Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Dear Husband, Dear Son~


Today is not beginning like I envisioned it- and it is funny how the world works in order to remind you of what is important, what is transitory.  I found out that a friend of mine, a fellow teacher- Meg, was killed in a freak parking lot accident yesterday.  We haven't taught together in years, and had become just facebook friends, but Meg was a role model to me- she was an English teacher, the teacher of the year the year I became teacher of the year by default- she left for graduate school and I was first runner up.  Meg went on to get her doctorate in curriculum in Raleigh, the same course that I would love to take but it would require moving there.  She moved- and graduated this spring, just accepted a teaching position at a university up in New York.  She was excited to start her new life, and - keeping in touch by facebook- encouraged me to keep with studying, to go on to the doctorate degree, to apply for the job in Raleigh.  (*Everyone*- I have applied, and have an interview- may the fates take us where they will!).   Her life seemed so golden to me- she was wealthy, and lovely, and kind and smart- someone everyone liked.  She was not a small woman, but dressed well, was beautiful- like a benevolent Valkyrie-  and yes, we also had our disagreements.  But even they were good ones. And now- now that story is over.

I am reminded again about what is important- death always makes us think of that.  And today is Grendel's birthday, and we are leaving for the games in the mountains, and Charles is staying here to work and watch doggs- and I am thinking deep thoughts while it rains on the windows.  Twenty-three years ago today Grendel came into the world.  The first words I heard when he was born was 'it's a baby boy and he has red hair!' and then I heard his voice.  He was his own self from the beginning, and Joanna (another friend gone) always claimed that he was a changeling child and blessed.  (Joanna was an artist and a teacher and lived in an old mill house- she knew things.) Thinking on that, his godmother Barbara said the same- a magic child.  And he was, or at least I tried to give him as magic a childhood as I could manage.

So, Dear Son, you are grown- yet we go on adventures together and I hope we never stop that.  I know that you will get to the places that you need to go, that your life will take hold and your purpose will unfold.  We are not the family of shooting stars with rapid rises to the top, but rather steady spirals that take us around and back to places, learning lessons many times before we find our way.  This isn't a bad thing, for it makes for a long and interesting life- and a happy one.  We create stories that other people tell.  What I want for you is the same as most mothers want for their children- I want you to be happy and healthy, I want you to find love and keep it, I want you to have enough wealth to be safe, sound and a bit spoiled.  Mostly I just want you to be you, and to be appreciated for it.  I love you, and I am very glad that you are part of my world.

And, Dear Husband, who so patiently waits while I venture off yet again, I thank-you for your kindness and your love.  I never thought we would turn out like this, because we are both very different from when our story began, but  shadows just make the light glow brighter.  Out life is not perfect, nor our house, nor our work- and definitely not our bodies- but they are two of a kind and help to hold each other against the world.  Sometimes- even when I get frustrated or angry, caught up in the worries over all the material things, or sometimes when I get to knowing things- and the seams are coming apart, I just have to be near you, hear you and I remember. I find my balance in your voice, I hear the echo of time in your heart beat and I think of the measure of forever.  I do love you, no matter what~

but please and thank-you try to mow the grass?
and boy- remember to wear your sunscreen.

And everyone, it is the small things that make our days worthwhile- both the letters written in love, and the reminders of tasks- the daily grind on our way to the stars.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

MoJo


This is one of the things I have been working on the last few days- a mojo box.  I've really been loving working on it- and planning for all the cool things that I am going to make and collect to put inside of it.  It started out as a typewriter case (sans typewriter).  Since I have a urge to collect old suitcases (as well as other things), it was something I've had around for a while- full of misc papers, sitting on the top of two other suitcases in the rose room that make up a table.  It is a great case- sturdy, with the clips inside, deeper than most suitcases and perfectly square. The original covering was canvas, of that odd green/brown/blueish color that happens when suitcases fade.  The interior was once blue, but now the color of dark dust- the vinyl trimming was in brown.  Practical, sensible but just waiting for a make-over.

Mojo box was one of the things that have been kicking around my back brain for awhile.  I knew from the moment I bought it that I wanted to do something with it, but wasn't sure what.  Went through the flip of ideas of turning it into an installation-type art project, making it Victorian Steam-punkish (which would of been cool- but I will save that for another day) but decided that I am tired of making art that is brown.  Brown *is* my favorite color (go figure), and I love the antique look of the other things I make, but it is summer and I wanted to do something bright and different and fun and just-for-me.  I had recently (since Texas) repainted an old student sculpture of a giant kitty head (cartoon shaped, not realistic) in the day of the dead style, and it turned out really well.  The manz loved it, I posted it on facebook and everyone else loved it- so I decided to continue on in that vein.

My colors of mojo are black, turquoise blue, white, red.  These are the base colors for all of my Robert Johnson work (2 guitars, an icon, a large embroidery- others) and the colors that I am drawn to when working with the mojo theme.  Mojo, for the unaware, is basically Southern folk magic, associated with a blend of cultures and traditions- focused mainly on the things that are important to the 'common folk'.  Love and sex, money and health. The basics. What am I going to put in it?  I don't know- stuff.  Things to sell. The little felt creations I've been sewing.  Magic.  Hopefully today I will finish the outside painting, start on the interior (the base is done), think about some possibilities for what to put inside.  Lots of plans, lots of potential, lots of fun. 

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Toad and turtles


It's hot.  Gloriously, dangerously, take-your-breath-away hot. Since we have been back, I've been drifting- we've been drifting.  I walk every morning (but one, where my knee just refused to work for some reason) and the day moves fast yet comfortable.  Hard to explain, but we are drifting along then it is suddenly 10 o'clock, then two, then 5:30 or 7....time is like water, and we both forget what day it is.  Mr. Owens tends to always think it is Saturday or Sunday (I suppose because I am home?) - as for me, I have no clue. One day just blends into another.

In the heat, the doggs stay inside and sleep on the cool floors, the cat- perversely- sleeps in the sun. We have visitors to the yarden- toads, a baby snapping turtle, an old box turtle, chicken snakes, lizards, skinks.  The butterflies are scarce and even the bees stay home.  In the morning I see deer down by the horse farm and Paul's chickens under the power lines- Mr. Owens always sees the wild tom turkey (what is it with Mr. Owens and turkeys?).  My hair likes this weather- it is thick and curly again after being all parched-hay-frizzy in Texas... I like this weather to, it agrees with me, feels naturally tranquilizing.  I am not in a hurry to get anything done, I am feeling no pressure, just a wandering flow of working resting creating. We take breaks to watch tv when we want to (I'm obsessed with ghost stories, but we compromise on criminal minds. Right now he has been watching what he calls 'stupid movies'- old B summer comedies with no real plot, just lots of humor and bikinis).  I live on cherries and margarita-flavored drink mix (kool-aid for grown ups, minus the booze.  I have a think for 'sour/sweet/salty' this year), he consumes purple power aide and mountain dew by the gallon.

I haven't been writing much- drifty about it- but I have been painting, and sewing.  Much slower than usual, but that is ok.  I paint while we watch things, having given up on working outside for right now- even in the studio the paint drys quickly when squeezed out of the tube.  I've been embroidering things on felt, just little quick things, not sure at all what to do with them or what they might be good for- they are more just embroidered cartoons than designed to serve a purpose.  Someday they will turn into something. Or not. It doesn't matter- what does matter is at the moment I love to just sit and sew, watch tv and listen to the fan click.  How summer is supposed to be. 

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The road


I have decided, or come to realize, that I am a happy person.  I have a husband who loves me, who is funny and wise, who works hard and is a good cook.  I have a son who is smart and good and finding his way, I have a best friend who is magic.  My family loves me, and I love them- and we ebb and flow from a distance, apart but together always.  My house is tumbledown but it is my home, my doggs smelly but splendid, the cat- well, he is perfect. Always.  I have talent and luck, I love my job, I love to learn.  We have enough food to keep us fat and happy, and enough belief to be amazed and thankful at every new day.

You see, I've been going through what I call the 'summer struggle'- it happens every year, and this year I am bound and determined to get it out of my system.  The summer struggle is this (see if it might sound a bit familiar, because I am surely not the only one who experiences this)- I spend all the rest of the year working my ample ass off in order to 'enjoy summer', but when I get there, I get bound up in worry over next years work, dissatisfaction with myself, and a stagnating laziness that is not rest but a repression of creativity that ends in boredom.  Not a very pleasant way to be- especially since I 'work' at resting, end up avoiding doing actual work, which creates worry and stress and just yuck.  Like a dismal brown fog that needs blown away- and I get overly concerned with doing what I am expected to do, instead of what I want to do- selfish as that sounds.

This summer- so far- is going well, starting at a gallop with the trip to Texas which was wonderful and some much needed Mr. Owens and I alone without distractions in the car time, which we spent constantly talking and singing- and exploring things along the way.  I am happy that he has a travelling heart, even though he likes staying put more than I do.  When we got back though, I went into the summer struggle.  Trask meeting, catching up with the virtual school, not finding time to do everything else I wanted (sit on the porch, paint outside, go to the beach), and a dissatisfaction with how I look- nothing like the reality of a camera to bring about the fact that you are looking a bit frumpy, and that tummy slump needs to go.  (A belly I can stand- and have earned- but the slump? ew)....so a bit grouchy, a bit stressy, a bit into the tar-pit of self-pity (ew, I'm faaaat, I have nooooothing to wear, blah blah blah- don't know how he can stand it when I get that way- but he always turns me around).....and I decided to 'take the cure'.  And this morning, I've turned the corner and decided that the 'cure has taken' and that I am happy again~

SO, what I did when we got home- 'the cure'- was this:   I began walking every morning, end of the road and back, no excuses.  Even though it is two million degrees out- in fact, I told Mr. Owens that everyday that I *didn't* walk, I would have to pay him $20.00....and this keeps me motivated and him observant.  I walk in the early morning- sans doggs (to hot for them, and they slow me down with endless sniffing), and I find that I'm liking it, getting used to it.  I chant my silly little mantra 'walking, shower, working, surfing' which sets the agenda for the day.  I look at the trees and the plants mostly, and try to find something every day to take home with me as a reward- a bullet casing, crow feather, heart-shaped rock, hydrangea bloom, rusty nail, butterfly wing, turtle (which I photographed then returned to the woods).  These are my touch stones.  I am rediscovering summer foods, and eating what I like- cherries by the ton, swiss cheese and wasa, cold coffee, salads, corn (microwaved in husk for 2 minutes- just add a bit of sea salt), the wonderful fish he makes me that is baked with peppers, onions, radishes, salsa.  All of the good things- and you know what? I do feel better- body wise and mind wise and self-disciplined, which is a great motivator.

As for work, the rule is just suck it up and do it- get it done, it is not going away and if I do a bit each day I feel accomplished and can relax.  Same goes for the art bits- I tend to wait for the 'great painting' or 'writing a book' when actually I make art everyday, paintings big and small, 55 photographs before breakfast this morning, writing on the blog.  Sketchbook work. I just need to recognize these as valid- that not everything has to be created in the perfect setting and the perfect block of time- but coming as they are when they want is even more magical.

And I know that I will find time to sit on the porch, read a book, go to the beach.  I will go to the mountains and listen to the music, watch fireworks tomorrow with my beloved (unless he is out saving someones day), eventually give in and bathe the dogs.

And- since I *did* get called for an interview for the Raleigh Job- interview is at 1:30 on July 27th- I will buff and polish, shop for an interview suit in blue or black with sensible heels, put on my best attitude and give it a go~  and we shall see what happens.

In the meantime, we create our own worlds, and I am lucky that mine is a happy one.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Texas 224


Texas trip is over and we are back home again- and as you know, blogging on the road did not work out for me.  Combination of time, spotty internet access, no photoshop (I'm spoiled!) and the ball-and-chain of work. We had a great adventure though- all 9 days- and came home last Wednesday.  Thursday was spent working at Trask, Friday resting, Saturday working at home- same for today.  Even though I worked throughout the trip, I still had a bunch of virtual school stuff to catch up on (it is amazing the amount of work that goes into even a small class)- and it is not until right now that I have been able to think and write and reflect.

Right now we are in the middle of the heat, just like everyone else, over a hundred with sudden unexpected storms full of thunder, lightening and hail.  Mr. Owens has been out working roadcalls all weekend- he is out now in the down pour and hail changing a tire on a something (I think he said boat trailer.  It's been quite the day for boat trailers).   Remember before you head out to check your spare (at least make sure you have one and that it isn't flat), carry extra water, charge your phone- and- go get in shade if stranded without air conditioning.  The manz, along with all the car service equipment, is carrying cold water (and even a dog-bowl) - amazing how many folks are stranded this weekend, and the wait can be long and hot.  He is my hero- and a hero to many others, at all times of day or night.  Team Owens!

The trip went well, we visited Mother for several days- including the cowboy bbq lunch (fun!) and out to On the Border and shopping.  Lots of talking, feeding the crows from her balcony, reminders of ways to be safe and happy.  (Yes, I have put soap in my bed, no- I am not wearing support hose or gloves in this weather- even to sleep! But I am getting my potassium, putting lotion and sunscreen on faithfully, taking time to pamper myself and my beloved).  Visit out to Dear Ridge and the Podlucky Clan- lots of wildlife, talking, fossil/bone hunting and chocolate wine, which is amazing stuff and a new favorite of mine.  (Tastes wonderful, no headache like 'straight' wine, is absolutely.....amazing.)  Then to Shreveport for the casinos and 'honeymoon' time- winning and losing and balancing out. Home again down the long road.

So- the best of the Texas Trip 2012:

Best Hotel:  Sam's Town, Shreveport, LA.  Huge room, clean, luxury and free!  They do hide the refrigerator (it's in the dresser under the tv- didn't find it until we checked out)- wifi is $10.00, but worth it since the room was comp both nights!  (thanks to Podlucky's and then Mr. Owens luck!)

Best 'normal' motel stay:  Super 8 in Denton.  Cheap, clean and Texas-shaped waffles!

Best Salsa:  Sue's homemade.

Best Tortilla Chips:  On the Border- made fresh!

Best Roadside Attraction/ Adventure:  Santa Land- the abandoned park- lots of photos and a few treasures (Santa's Hand!)

Best Slot Game:  Big Fish (I don't know what it was really called, but I liked it!)

Best Foods  (in a perfect world, these would be served together):  Beans from Mother's Cowboy BBQ, Sweet Potato fries from Burger King (only when hot-), Three pepper sauce, Fish tacos made with the catfish from the Fireman's fish fry, bread pudding with Jack Daniels sauce (Casino).  

Best new taste: Chocolate wine- both kinds- the creamy kind (tastes like chocolate Bailey's) and the winey kind (which is elegant and like cordials) 

Best buy: $1.00 camera tripod at the Dollar Tree.  It works for both cameras!

Best find: Nautilus fossil (in part) and armadillo skeleton.

Best Recommendation:  to watch 'Dead Files'- recommended by sister Sue- I am already through the first season and halfway into the next!   It is my studio work show when the manz is gone.

Most often heard songs on the radio:  Elton John and Rod Stewart.  Seriously- and not the good ones either.

lots of others.....but it is storming hard now and I must get off the net.

Love and Thank-yous to everyone!