Of Memory and Elephants

Yesterday I didn't go to school.  I was tired, my throat hurt, but mostly I was tired.  So I stayed home, slept forever and ever and ever, was taken care of by my beloved Mr. Owens who fed me ice cream and hot tea, and I read a book- a whole book- for the first time in forever.  The book was one of the free books from Grendel's store, and was 'The Circus in Winter'.  The setting is Lima Indiana, and the story is made of smaller stories that circle around the circus people during the winter off season- mainly in the 30's- but drifting back into the 1800's and ahead into the now.  The author echoes her real life in the stories- she grew up in a winter circus town and many of the characters are based around her family, in particular her great x 2 uncle that was killed by an elephant.

Elephants remember things, keep things to themselves, somehow have immense power, wisdom, gentleness and sadness rolled into one. Or at least that is what I have been told about elephants, having not known one personally- my experience is limited to zoos and circuses, a brief ride on one as a child and later when Grendel was a child, and the elephants that my Mother collects.  Trunk up for good luck, Ganesha (I have a painting and statue of him at school) is the elephant-headed god of luck and valor, elephants though are mainly out of my experience.  But, the book.  The book was not a 'jolly circus book' but a rather stark and grim retelling of how it was- the hard work, the tangled relationships, the tragedies and- of course- the magic.  I won't tell you all of it, or even recommend it for reading, for it disturbed me and kindled strange sad dreams, mostly about elephants.  What I can say though is that I fell briefly into another world for a while, and that was good- but now I am feeling the echos of discontent that come when you know that something bad happened long ago- and you can't do anything about it- but you are sad none-the-less. Books have the power to do that to you, television and movies you can cast aside- they stay for a bit but easily move on- but a well written passage in a book can stick in your heart like a thorn.  Elephants.

I think my overall tiredness from yesterday is an echo from Saturday and the testing.  I know that may seem strange, it being so many days ago, but this is how it went.  The tests went fine, I'm supposing.  It was morning, I was awake and 'on', the tasks suited to me for the most part- arranging blocks into patterns, drawing a complex shape then redrawing it from memory several times, memorizing lists of words (which was easy for they broke themselves into stories and pictures in my head.  Words are always easy).  Knowledge (who was Marie Currie? What is the theory of relativity? Are you kidding me?) , vocabulary (my usual- I knew what the majority of the words meant, but could not pronounce them correctly).  What tripped me up was sound (listening on headphones to many words said at once and differentiating between them), math (the fast reciprocal math bit), and... I think that is it.  Did great on the 'what is wrong with this picture' part.  Hours and hours of this testing.  I don't mind tests like this, and I wonder about their validity- I expect that most of this was easy for me simply because I am an artist and educator.  The common knowledge is kept in the forefront of my brain because I refer to it constantly, the patterns/drawing/pictures are all part of being an artist and what I do daily.  Words and vocabulary are always a pleasure- I have been a reader and played with words since I was very young.  If the test was geared towards the flip side of my brain- recognition of equations, memorization of strings of numbers (there was a part like that, but it was strictly short-term), things of that nature I would be lost.

What is curious is what happened *after* the test.  That afternoon I was out with Grendel, and sleepwalking through everything.  Sunday, a few bright moments that I spent grading- but naps and general malaise.  Monday at school was a nightmare- I couldn't wake up, I wasn't making sense when I was trying to teach, I finally gave up and just endured the day, and then my night class.  I decided Monday night that I had to have a day off and thus I called in.  I slept most of the day yesterday- waking to eat and drink, about an hour of work, reading the book and (Finally!) getting to watch Mr. Owens episode of Lizard Lick.  (He is awesome- hair flying, table flipping, mud wrestling....).  Then I slept some more.

Today I am up, after a night of elephant dreams and stray dogs.  The wind is howling outside, I feel better but still dreamy, not quite real.  What I should like to do is have a day to dream and paint, write some more. What I will do is put on my shoes and go to school, plan and grade and try to teach (I am going through a crisis that I am not a good art teacher.  I am a good *teacher*, but the art part? Not so much- I can do it, but I don't teach the technical things well at all- mainly because I don't care much about that part.)  Then a meeting and then home.  What next? I don't know.  Dreams of elephants.

Simple Magics of the Heart

I am a great believer in magic.  Not rabbit-in-a-hat magic (though that is cool), or magick with a 'k' (which inevitably includes the scent of patchouli, unshaved underarms and a tendency to misspell words by adding extra 'k', 'y' or 'e's here and there). Just the simple magics of everyday life- little customs and charms, stories, an awareness of what makes a moment special, makes a home safe.

Grendel and I were out and about Saturday after my endless testing at the Doctors (which included math, word memorization, drawing, 3d puzzles, common knowledge and the like- of which I found them very easy with the exception of the last math part which was a timed reciprocal adding...bleah.  Afterwards I was exhausted and not very good company....but still managed to stumble around....back to the story)- anyway, the boy and I had this conversation about houses and ghosts.  Little magics and things that he remembers, and it is curious because they are the same sort of things that it seems I have always known, always done.

Find a penny and put it on the lintel for luck, hang a mirror by the door, count crows, stamp white horses for a wish. Pick up pins, hunt for clovers, turn the broom upside down and say bless you- and if they sneeze often enough turn it into God bless you, God keep you and may all of your children have curly hair.  (Mother must of sneezed quite a bit).  And then there are my own quirks and things- our cottage is full of them, our decorating theme being 'curious hag' or something.  Windows full of bottles, wish stones on strings, walls of scissors and crosses, witch balls in the kitchen.  There is a cauldron on the hearth and way to many books (I keep bringing more home), we have a blackish cat, an abundance of keys, collections of stones and bones and strange papers from far away.  We find things- old letters, sharks teeth, shells, bottles- we are given things- quilts and lamps, bits of art, feathers.  Mr. Owens knows what to bring me for gifts- always has- from the first set of old keys to the shell he found Friday, pale orange and as long as the first joint on my thumb.

What is all this?  Simple magics.  Just things, stuff, ideas that we give a home to, that become part of us and define where we nest.  White dishes and open windows, lavender shirts hanging to dry. The quite in the morning and the constant work of the day, the way the doggs snore and the cat sleeps on the heating vent.  The stack of pillows on the bed, the milk in the fridge, the coffee and the tea.  There is nothing much elegant about it, or refined, perfect, immaculate, but there is a comfort here in our safe place, a happy air to our home.

Rabbit Rabbit

Rabbit mosaic at Cinderella's Castle in Disneyland

Rabbit Rabbit- it is March, and therefore Spring, and therefore I am ready to shed the grays of winter and move into the hopeful greens.  Always loved March, turbulent though it may be- the winds and unpredictable of the weather.  Growing up, you could count on snow for St. Patrick's day, and even here in the southlands it might snow again tomorrow night.  But today is to be windy and sunny- cool and clear, a good introduction to Spring.

Mr. Owens is up early today- he has to drop me off on the way to Southport (wish I could skip school and go with him!  Would love to spend the day wandering around the town, drawing, photographing and hunting down at the wharves....but duty calls).  Anyhoo, he is on the set of Under the Dome, which is a mini-series for TV based on a book by Stephen King.  So guaranteed good and creepy, with a possible dose of cheesy.  It's exciting though because hopefully he will be back and forth until filming wraps in July- so I may have my share of days down in the old port after all.  Today is especially fun because he is cast not only as background but also in the 'churchgoer' scene- so he gets to wear dress clothes.  I had fun last night helping him pick out the right shirt, suit and ties to take- a variety, plus a variety of 'casual wear'.  We don't get to dress up often, and he wears a suit so very well- I am hoping they will choose my favorite dark suit with this lavender shirt and tie of mixed greys and purples.  Looks so lovely with his hair and eyes.  (I think I have a celebrity crush here, eh?)  Absurdly proud wifey.

As for me today, school- endless grading of virtual school, instructional meeting at our school, classes of course and continuation of prom work.  Prom this year has a 'Once Upon Your Time' theme, so it is all Medieval castles and fairy tale stuff which is wonderful fun for me.  (LOTS of work, but fun).  This week I taught the art club about heraldry, and they designed banners for each discipline.  We are in the process of painting them- but they are looking great.  To go, a big backdrop of the castle in moonlight, with sides of heraldic silver unicorn and golden dragon.  The castle facade for the entrance, two 'tapestries' that are painted, wishing well and frog prince, vorpal rabbit and shrubbery.  This is fun to because while the prom-star (Kelly the English teacher) was suggesting princess hats and a pumpkin carriage, we sort of morphed it into Monty Python meets Game of Thrones.  Lots of hidden jokes in the banners, the rabbit is of course from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and the big tapestry paintings are going to have all sorts of cool things worked into them.  Finally, a prom that is FUN!  We might even go!

Obviously I am in a better frame of mind this morning- seasons turn, payday, Mr. Owen's cupcaking, fun art- and Grendel gave me boxes of free books from his work which I took to school.  I gleaned out some for LC and I, one for Croson, let Donna come and get first pick, then turned them loose to my second block art kids.  It was amazing and like Christmas- they circled the table like sharks, bartering each other over who got what  (I'll trade you this for that, oh look there is two!  That conversation was not over a popular novel, but over a history book.  I am amazed.)  In the midst of all this Dr. Sullivan comes in- asks what I was doing- some of the kids were sitting and working (non book lovers), others happily filling up boxes and bags with books.  I explained that I was giving the books away and he looked astonished....not so much as that they were free (free books are easy to come by these days sadly) but that the kids were so excited about them.  Then he spotted a few hard bounds of his favorite author, and asked if he could borrow them....one of the kids said 'no, these are for keeps!  You get to keep them!'.  It was so funny..... made me happy though.