Turrello on the Table
It is the last day of 2012, and time for wrapping things up, telling truths, old stories and cleaning house. I haven't been writing much this fall because truth be told, I've been walking with the black dog and sometimes it has been hard to keep going through a day. Why? Because- I don't know why. Is it not getting the job and losing confidence? Is it from being so very sleep logged with no concrete explanation? Is it because for the first time ever I not only took an incomplete and did not finish my classes, but didn't really care that I didn't? I don't know why, but I've been in a mood of apathy, not caring, not connecting with anything- or much of anyone- going through work in a daze, on automatic- not teaching, enduring. Which is bad. Not writing, and for a long time- the old sketchbook- not creating anything but violent messy drawings that went all over the place. Forming plans that never came to fruition, letting chaos pile up, forgetting time and place and money and working it into a tangled mess that I now have to pick my way out of. Not learning, not cleaning, not even wanting to so much as shower- and my weight is up, my hair has inches and inches of gray showing, the brows haven't been plucked in months. And I try to care- but it feels futile and is kinda hard to. I *know* that is dysfunctional, and it *is* getting better- the holiday has done me good for the most part- and I *don't* mean to whine. I hate whining and going on about something. But at the same time I want to write out how it has been, how it is and hope to shed light on how it will be- hope. Hope is always a friend.
I'm not sure now what I want to do. I have been cleaning- deep cleaning, so far the bedroom and the studio- and we had our little Christmas here and at the farm. Family, food, gifts- modest but good. The boy was home for a day and a night- today I am going to the city to go to the movies with him. (To see the Hobbit- which Aunt Gladys gave me the book- and the LOTR set- long ago. It changed me then- it was my pivotal story growing up, the way Harry Potter was for Grendel's generation and other stories yet unwritten will be for the children of today). The Manz has been on an 'Emergency' marathon- beginning with Adam 12 when we both had the flu (before Christmas, and it was super nasty)- for me, it is like being able to visit California. I can smell the ice plant outside Station 51, I know what the air feels like and the ground. How very cold the Pacific is, even in summer. How there aren't ever as many trees as you expect, and the leaves never turn in Southern California- I did so miss autumn there. Here I miss the sea.
I have a new sketchbook- bought right before the holiday- and I have been working in it constantly. It wakes me up and helps- I am actually exploring ideas (the Toynbee Idea), rediscovering mysteries (Gef the talking mongoose) and drawing, drawing, drawing. My drawings are shifting back to normal, and the writing is there so I am feeling hopeful about that. I haven't painted though- which I wanted to over break- but instead the cleaning and drawing and Emergency and web surfing have been good. And I've found some time to read. I am trying hard to work back into writing, communicating, school- being social and enthusiastic- though truthfully, I would rather be encaved at the moment. (I know, I need to see Dr. Mike again soon- but the money is tight at the moment so it will have to wait). And the money thing- while we are telling truths- is no ones fault but my own, and shifting addresses, bills to online, mortgage companies, lack of math skills and my general inattention. It is a lean month, but the virtual check comes in the first of February and I can get caught up then- at least so much as to keep our head above water. Caught up is the best I can hope for, never ahead. Films will be starting back up soon, and Mr. Owens will be back on set- he does so well at it and hopefully next year will be a busy one. In the meantime, he is back doing the lockouts and training for the tow truck company, though it is not nearly as dramatic as Lizard Lick.
Right now I need to move on, need to create a change and the New Year is the time to do that. According to one of my fortunes, my new year (which began yesterday) will be more energetic and I will cycle back into my normal cheerful, chaotic, creative self- which is great as I have had enough of this darkness. Know though all of you that I love you, and value you, and dream of you often~ and that everything will be ok.
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