In the Well of Souls

Mixed Media in Sketchbook

It has been awhile since I have written, again. I don't know why I have such a difficult time allotting time for things I love- like writing, but so it is...and I think I get better at it then I fall back into the same old traps again.  Work. Procrastination, which is work-based...it is not so much that I put off working (I don't) but that I have a hard time with prioritizing, then over-work things that don't need it, find myself tangled up in layers of leadership that I don't really want.  As soon as I step back from one thing- the museum job- I am double hit with an extra class online (which I do for the money) and the instructional leadership team at school (which is an honor- but lots of work).  And the endless county transition meetings and keeping the herd happy.  I get tired, and I long to sit and read or play or just be a passenger until I remember that I get carsick. The metaphor is apt because it is the same when I am not leading- I get impatient with waiting for information, for others to understand, for those reading aloud to catch up.  (That is a reflection back to grade school- I read so fast that it was torture to hear others read aloud, stumble over words that I already knew. Not pride speaking here, boredom.  And I can see the same thing happening in my classes but I feel powerless- we can't leave the stumbling behind but the swift wander off in their boredom, and in some ways that is even more dangerous.  State of education- feelings be damned, level the classes.  It is better for everyone-).  Anyway, enough of the whining.

SO, what have I been doing?  Working.  Burned the yarden off in the front, beginning to get a grip on it- early blooming and then it snowed.  Now it has been cold and rainy for a week, with a bit of occasional ice, back to winter but things still stir.  Mr. Owens has been filming Revolution, and a movie in Charlotte, today he has a casting call (that he doesn't know about yet- he is still asleep and it was just posted this morning). Yesterday I tossed in the towel- I *do* have the sniffles, but they really aren't *that* bad, and spent the day in the studio.  I worked in my sketchbook and the round-robin journal for the virtual school, took several naps and watched endless episodes of Toddlers and Tiaras (yes, it is my junk food for the brain) and a few spooky movies (whatever it is that I am stressing over, it is not nearly as bad as the whatevers people are coping with in scary movies.  Funny/ romantic/ dramatic movies just either stress me out more or annoy me when I am stressed.... which results in Mr. Owens watching a romantic sit-com about a vet's office in one room while I am deep into 'Fangoria' in the other.  Opposites, but attract).  Likewise, I don't like to write much when I am feeling overwhelmed- I see it as posting endless whining (which I can't abide) about something that I am not able to change at the moment.  I don't want to stress anyone out- or seem to be a total train wreck, for I am not.  I am getting by and this is something that I have to come to grips with and figure my way out of- this coupling of work and worth and my tangled brain at the moment.  Which they are working on untangling, but we are still not quite sure how to do that- more tests this coming weekend. I do know that certain behaviors make it worse: eating sugar, procrastination, marathon work days- and I know that limiting my diet, fresh air and organization make it better.  Trick is, I forget and the body goes on automatic- the mind is so focused on keeping above the surface of the tasks to be done that the body ends up refueling on its own, or wandering off aimlessly. (as in, I *need* to write this, then suddenly find myself up and roaming around looking for....paperclips.  or tape.  or some trivial physical thing). A lack of grounding.

Today, please accept my apology for not writing, not posting, not calling or contacting- and I know that today's post is not much help, but it is what it is, as they say.  (Actually, I hate that saying 'it is what it is', for various reasons.  It is a lazy way of giving in and accepting the unacceptable).  Truth be told, I want to scramble up to the surface today, try to get a focus and a grip, to hold onto the edge of the well and see the sun.