Bearsula the Watch-Dog

One thing that I get gold stars for is sleeping.  I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat, dream vividly- and remember it (last night it was about a egg/spoon type horse race down a ski slope and through two railroad tunnels.  The winner made it, but if your timing was wrong the train would beat you and squash you in the last tunnel.  Max was my horse.) And I wake up well- usually.  If I need to get up at a certain time, I can tell myself 'get up early' or 'sleep in day' and adjust accordingly...but I do have backups.  My cell phone alarm is set, but rarely do I need it- am usually well into news-n-coffee by the time it goes off.  But I do have my faithful watch dog.

Bear is like clockwork.  About 5:30 every morning, she starts waking me up.  They sleep in the doggy room, so it has to be at a distance- she begins with one barely-heard noise.  If ignored this escalates to 'talking'- it's not whining, it's not barking (at all) but this fluctuating sound like a bloodhound on mute, which she is.  It goes up and down the register, and basically sounds a little like: wah, WAh waaaahhhhhhwah wah wah wah WAH wah mixed with 'scooby dooby doo' (*that's* what she says when she hears I am actually getting out of bed! woo woo wooo whoo).

By this time I am quite awake, and she is accompanied by the coffee maker gurgling, Turrello pawing and the general need to get up...I try to hurry around so as to not wake up the manz, but he usually wakes up anyway- a grouchy pre-coffee voice saying "what you being so quiet for?"  meaning that it is obvious that the rest of the house is up and ready to go!

Ambition

Yesterday was the first day of our new 'titan time' for these next weeks (think of it as a homeroom/studyhall that changes every few weeks. point is to get all the teachers and  students to know each other, allow students focused remediation in classes, and teach them stuff we can't get to in class.  right now before exams it is functioning as a study hall).  Anyway, there was an interesting conversation between Daisy and Denisha....  Denisha is one of my kids, brutally honest, speaks her mind, decidedly opinionated.  She can be quite a handful but is on the right tack, more or less.  Daisy I don't know- exactly- she is the cousin of  Grendel's first girlfriend (Ally) and they used to babysit her sometimes.  Cute girl, very country.  She and Denisha had grown up together in Carolina Beach, then both ended up living with other relatives here for various reasons.  They hadn't seen each other in a while, but recognized each other right away and started talking.

           Thing was, Denisha asked Daisy why she hadn't seen her at school before- Daisy said that she 'doesn't get to school much' and slips out most of the time during school- rarely finishes a day.  Denisha started with the questions right away (why? what do you do? where do you think this is going to get you?  what do you want to do with your life?  how do you think that's going to happen?  followed by 'you know that makes me mad, don't you?')  Denisha sounded *exactly* like her grandmother (who rocks)...but the point is that Daisy has no ambition.  None what so ever.  Hates school, hates learning  (why? "it's boring, hard and retarded").  Hates work.  What does she do?  get high and watch tv.  What does she want to do with the rest of her life? get high and watch tv.  How does she think she'll be able to do this without a job?  'oh, someone will eventually marry  me'.  I can tell by her conversation and her ability to defend this as 'her choice' that she is smart- I remember her vaguely as a smart little girl.  I did some checking and found out that when she does work in classes, it shows ability.  But she has absolutely no ambition, has had no ambition, and at this rate doesn't look like developing ambition is going to happen.

             I can't imagine having no ambition.  This is totally outside my experience- I've been lazy, I've not known  what I was going to do with my life, I've muddled about for a long time during my teens and twenties.  I went through phases (ok the first 12 years) where I HATED school  (remember Mother throwing me on the bus?) but that was more about hating social aspects than hating learning.  I've always loved to know stuff.  I've always had an  ambition- even if it was to grow up to be a horse when I was 5- and ambition puts me into the overdrive state that I live in today.  Everyone I know has an ambition- even if it is a little one.  Even if it is unrealistic- it is there.  "The green fuse that drives the flower" in the Dylan Thomas poem- the natural force that keeps us in motion.   What would it be like day after day to live without it?   I'm not just talking about the 'Daisy-hates-school-part', but her choice not to choose, to live her life through other peoples stories on tv in a fog of smoke.  (and she said 'I don't like all tv, it's just what I do.")

         I hope Daisy comes to school today and talks to Denisha more (Denisha will *not* let a subject drop- ever.  She would make a brutal lawyer someday).  I stand close to them 'doing stuff' so I can eavesdrop - and so they won't fight- they are both fighters and Denisha really  did get mad at Daisy for 'not explaining *why* she has no ambition'....but I'm curious.

Rare snow~

We had a rare snow just after Christmas- it was heavy and stayed for days, which was rather nice.  Our flamingo is covered with a white coat-

I love snow when I am inside (and ok, playing with it maybe once a year) but after Christmas I am done with it.  I'm ready for summer now, and not having to bundle up just to realize that there are holes in my tights *after* I get to school.  Speaking of which, we are back at school today and I am full steam ahead again- wish me luck!

Messy Nest

Today is the last day of break, so of course I am cleaning my messy nest- something I should of worked on a week ago.  But the manz says "maybe you should of started earlier, but you need your rest- and don't try to do it all today. Take a nap if you want to".  I'm full of day-before-school energy though so I am forging on.

We switched out kitchen tables again- this one is oval, and I like it better than the square one we had last.  Oval just suits the kitchen better.  I covered it with a log cabin quilt- one of my better auction finds.  This quilt was in box lots- just a dollar- it was covered with another fabric.  I ripped the fabric away and revealed this top- soft colors with  the blue and pink in the center.  Cozy and cheerful- I like quilts instead of table cloths, just because they have weight to them, and age, and it's a good display.  (We never eat at the table! yet I insist on having one-).

Today is a good day to clean and straighten and fuss around- it's warmish but rainy, and the manz has been in and out all day with various chores (some for us, then fixing Bobby Lee's sink, then off for a burger).  About the burger- we have the rental car while Traveler is being fixed....which is fine except the rental is all full of the new car smell which makes me nauseated in a flash.  I know other people love that smell, but not me... I had started cleaning yesterday then ran to Walmart for bleach, I was wiped-out carsick when I got home.  Since I have to drive it to work, which is farther away than Walmart, I needed a smell solution.  I dislike air freshers as much as new-car smell, and we had left the windows down....but it was still present.  So I sent the man off for a burger-n-fries with strict instructions to leave the bag in the car overnight- I'll toss the bag in the morning but hopefully the car will smell normalish.  (I know, I know... scent of burger is not for everyone but I'd rather be hungry than queasy!)

New Years Day

Windows.  Windows open, let you see outside to the possibilities and potential of everything.  Glimpses, magic walls of light.  This window- which window? Bathroom or maybe bedroom, was taken on my past birthday, a day that filtered winter light through snow and left the silhouette of tangled vines and cross roads.  A fitting metaphor for life- we have our directions and off shoots, perspectives in shades of gray.


I have learned quite a lot this past year, for it has been a year of changes.  I have learned to be married, to balance freedom with devotion, when to share and when to 'let go of the wheel'.  I am learning, still, how to let my son go- to push him out of the not-so-comfy nest and  encourage him to fly.  To believe that he can fly, and that it is time.  (I'm scared though- I must admit that truth.) I have learned that I don't have to be perfect, but that not being perfect drives me nuts, and obsessing over *why* I have to be perfect- including feeling guilty and making excuses for working hard- makes me even more nuts.  So... I can't be perfect at everything, but I can do my best.  The house might be a wreck right now, but it's our wreck- as long as it is livable and we work on it when we can, it will have to do.  It's our home.  Financially? I suck at money.  I can't save it, have no clue about investments and the like, and it stresses me out.  My solution? Hard work pays off.  Pay the bills on time.  Make do.  Good thing is that we have paid off several things this year, and it's getting better (as long as we don't think about student loans....scary....).  Work.  I love working, learning, teaching, designing, creating.  Work is more fun than fun.... and I'm not going to apologize for it anymore.  It's what I do, it's who I am..... otherwise I wouldn't stack on the challenges so much, but it is rather like a game....and it is fun/satisfying/plus I'm doing a bit of good in the world, I think.  and I make cool stuff.  and I get to work with people I love- my husband, my Miss Ball (even though we don't get to work together often, we are dynamos when we do), my kids (who drive me nuts, but are a constant source of entertainment).  I can't think of a better thing to do than this~ I am lucky.   Family- I love my family, even if I sometimes hermatize myself, I am always thinking/ dreaming of you. I tell our stories constantly (names changed to protect the innocent) and we have made together a glorious mythology of fact and character.  This includes us all, near and far, living and not, animals, cars, houses, places.... remembered, let go to live on in someone elses experience.


For this year- turning to the window- my fortune looks good, promising a year of work (!) and potential prosperity.  I know this spring I am crazy-busy again (rather than decreasing my activities, they have stepped up.  But opportunity only knocks once, and I am *so* answering the door!)  So, this spring I am: teaching @ Trask, teaching @ ECU, doing post-graduate work @ ECU, doing my assistantship at the Virtual High School (a practicum training, like student teaching.  Work no pay but you have to do it if you want certification), fine arts lead for the county, taking another course through LEARN NC (the county got this grant, and picked me. yay!) and working with our Morninglory.  (Sale season will start again in the Spring- in the meantime, we are living with tons of inventory.  I'm thinking of it as 'insulation'....or boy can't come back to the nest because his room is currently full of chairs!)  What all this does for me- in a selfish way- is it feeds my brain, keeps me active and creative and in motion. What it does for us is to build a life that is stable and fun.  It's exciting.


I am taking into consideration what I have learned about balance though, and busy though I sound, I will make time for downtime.  I promise to breathe every once in a while and to keep steady- but this is what I'm made to do.  And knowing that- a priceless blessing.


Love to all, and Happy New Year!

Gray and brown

Gray and brown, everything outside is gray and brown and showing it's bones.  I like this time of year for it is honest about things- nothing is hidden in a veil of leaves and flowers, it's all there in plain sight like a face without makeup.  Exhausted but honest. Resting, withdrawn from all the busyness of the other seasons, the relentless harvesting and growing and the constant hum of the bees.

I love those things to, but it's nice to rest.

The past month or so I haven't written, no excuses other than the well went dry.  This morning though I woke up with gray and brown in my head and I wanted to write- about the way the world is right now, about winter, about bones and quiet and resting.  The holidays are different for us again this year- it seems that every year they take on their own glamour, and change around circumstances- I worry about tradition, but it slips away.  Last year was a busy whorl of bright lights and colors, the wedding, Christmas and everything to the hilt and beyond.  This year is the opposite, a year of bearing in, removing ourselves from the distractions of 'to much' to be with ourselves.  Simple things.  White candles. Doggies.  A cat that snores.  Dreaming under the electric blanket and watching endless movies about nothing together while my brain takes a holiday. Grendel is off to his Dad's for Christmas, and Charles's relatives are all off to other places- Christmas day it will be just us and his parents and the great white house.  Which is nice, together, a chance to talk and listen and look at old photographs.

It's not that I'm anti-social, it's just that I'm craving stillness.  All fall I have had school and work, and while I love those things- I love thinking best of anything mostly- it is the constant need of the students that wears me down. That doesn't sound very kind, but it's true- their need to be taught what to do and what not to- their need for attention and love and all of it.  I still have two days with them before break, time for cookies and movies and laughing.  Monkey noises. (one of my boys, a senior, makes monkey noises.  Someday I'll explain why- I love him and worry about him and he drives me nuts)  I'm looking forward to these days but I am looking forward more to long days at home with the manz.  Just us, together with the bones of the world all around, us and doggies and a cat that snores.

First of November

Wagon full of crenshaw pumpkins at Lonnie's auction Saturday morning.  It was a perfect fall day- frost in the morning, cool all day but bright and clear.  We auctioned all day, then I went to do the sidewalk painting with my kids in Burgaw, then drove back out to the auction.  All of us went out to dinner after it was over- out in Richlands, little restaurant like the country kitchen, waiters dressed for Halloween.  Food was ok- good fried chicken but to much sugar in the greens- I like mine bitter.

Today is a workday, I have been working at home all morning grading papers.  Then I am going to the doctor to see about upping the meds- there is no real reason why I should be so down except I was off my meds for a week, and it was like a train wreck.  Of course, everything happened during that week- nasty people at conference (how DARE you make me wait till last in the food line because I lost my stupid gold coin), midterms at school, messes at home... but am trying to get centered again and back in the swing of things.  I made an 85 on a paper- the lowest grade I've ever made in grad school (the only grade that wasn't a 100 so far, knock on wood) and that was my big-red-flag that I need to change something.  Everything else I know I'm not the best at- taking care of the house, managing money, keeping my temper when the kids get on my nerves (thank god for assigned seats!)...but school?  No way.  That is one thing that I consistently kick ass at so this was quite devastating.  Not to be dramatic, but yes- childish as it is- I did cry. And the 85 was well deserved- I had been  practicing all week but was writing in a rush last Sunday and managed to get my concepts all backwards.  Carelessness and lack of comprehension on my part..... vowing to do better, but it has me in a tailspin.

Ok. now that *that* confession is off my chest- I can continue on with a clear and open mind, get my butt in gear.  Doctor today, then to the middle school to work with Mille- she is resigning as lead art for the county and I've been appointed (yay. more work/responsibility- but on the upswing, it's good for the career and there might be a slight bonus at the end of the year...a nice sticker or something).  Afternoon I have to go to school to input my grades (can't get the stupid application to work from here) and clean my room for the workshop tomorrow.  The manz is over at Dad's painting the house- up on a lift, but I worry none-the-less.  It's a week long job (huge house!) so I know he will be tired when he gets home.

Halloween was good- I slept most of the day, talked to Mother (miss her!) and slept again.  Last night I stayed up and drew in my sketchbook, we watched CSI and I watched Paranormal Activity (scary movie!!!) while manz snored in his chair.  Lit the candle on the porch and left the bread out... good wishes to all, here and gone.