Ambition

Yesterday was the first day of our new 'titan time' for these next weeks (think of it as a homeroom/studyhall that changes every few weeks. point is to get all the teachers and  students to know each other, allow students focused remediation in classes, and teach them stuff we can't get to in class.  right now before exams it is functioning as a study hall).  Anyway, there was an interesting conversation between Daisy and Denisha....  Denisha is one of my kids, brutally honest, speaks her mind, decidedly opinionated.  She can be quite a handful but is on the right tack, more or less.  Daisy I don't know- exactly- she is the cousin of  Grendel's first girlfriend (Ally) and they used to babysit her sometimes.  Cute girl, very country.  She and Denisha had grown up together in Carolina Beach, then both ended up living with other relatives here for various reasons.  They hadn't seen each other in a while, but recognized each other right away and started talking.

           Thing was, Denisha asked Daisy why she hadn't seen her at school before- Daisy said that she 'doesn't get to school much' and slips out most of the time during school- rarely finishes a day.  Denisha started with the questions right away (why? what do you do? where do you think this is going to get you?  what do you want to do with your life?  how do you think that's going to happen?  followed by 'you know that makes me mad, don't you?')  Denisha sounded *exactly* like her grandmother (who rocks)...but the point is that Daisy has no ambition.  None what so ever.  Hates school, hates learning  (why? "it's boring, hard and retarded").  Hates work.  What does she do?  get high and watch tv.  What does she want to do with the rest of her life? get high and watch tv.  How does she think she'll be able to do this without a job?  'oh, someone will eventually marry  me'.  I can tell by her conversation and her ability to defend this as 'her choice' that she is smart- I remember her vaguely as a smart little girl.  I did some checking and found out that when she does work in classes, it shows ability.  But she has absolutely no ambition, has had no ambition, and at this rate doesn't look like developing ambition is going to happen.

             I can't imagine having no ambition.  This is totally outside my experience- I've been lazy, I've not known  what I was going to do with my life, I've muddled about for a long time during my teens and twenties.  I went through phases (ok the first 12 years) where I HATED school  (remember Mother throwing me on the bus?) but that was more about hating social aspects than hating learning.  I've always loved to know stuff.  I've always had an  ambition- even if it was to grow up to be a horse when I was 5- and ambition puts me into the overdrive state that I live in today.  Everyone I know has an ambition- even if it is a little one.  Even if it is unrealistic- it is there.  "The green fuse that drives the flower" in the Dylan Thomas poem- the natural force that keeps us in motion.   What would it be like day after day to live without it?   I'm not just talking about the 'Daisy-hates-school-part', but her choice not to choose, to live her life through other peoples stories on tv in a fog of smoke.  (and she said 'I don't like all tv, it's just what I do.")

         I hope Daisy comes to school today and talks to Denisha more (Denisha will *not* let a subject drop- ever.  She would make a brutal lawyer someday).  I stand close to them 'doing stuff' so I can eavesdrop - and so they won't fight- they are both fighters and Denisha really  did get mad at Daisy for 'not explaining *why* she has no ambition'....but I'm curious.