Buddha in a Box

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”

This alchemy of the soul is a two edged sword, and one that I am struggling with.  What we think we become.  On the positive side, I have thought myself into being smart, somewhat responsible, creative, generous, tolerant.  On the negative side, I have thought myself into being unattractive, unfit, somewhat irresponsible, and stressed.  If I negate one- let's say I cancel out the negative thoughts because someone would say "there, there, you know that is not true..." then does that not also cancel out the positive ones?  Do they need to be balanced or not?  If I think my way out of the negative ones- change my perception of truth by changing my mental image, does another negative emerge in order to achieve balance?  (otherwise, could I just think myself into being perfect?  But no one is perfect, so some sort of balance must be obtained).

And then each of these are binary within themselves.  For example, the unattractive thing.  I know I'm not totally a troll, but I know I'm not a desperate housewife- problem is, I think I should be one, and I want to be one, but putting all the time and effort into that (the desired positive result) seems like vanity.  A waste of time (my time is at a premium, always) and money (I have to talk myself into a box of hair dye once every 2 months.  No way am I going to drop a fortune on a salon treatment- I don't view our lifestyle as privileged enough for such things).  Yet, is this laziness?  Is it just that I am to much of a slacker to discipline myself to exercise and eat right?  Or is it the truth of my valuing myself- that I am 'waiting' to be beautiful (after reaching a goal, like 'after I drop x pounds, after I can dye my hair, after what?') instead of maximizing it right now?  Sometimes we put our lives on hold to much, worried about the ship coming in instead of enjoying the dock.  Is this just a passing condition, born of winter and another birthday, that will fade?  I've had my years of radiance in the past- and my years of 'oh my god getta paper bag NOW!'  I think we all do, we just don't see it in each other as much.

A truth I know about me is focus.  On an everyday basis, I operate like the butterfly the manz says I am.  I go from one thing to the next, a bit of this, a bit of that.  When I have to focus my attention into becoming one thing- smart for class, creative for a project, diligent for work- I can be like a laser.  Nothing stops me once I get started (starting is the hard part- I'm like a car parked on a steep hill.  When the brakes are on, they're on- let them off and I don't know when to stop rolling).  I have chosen to turn that energy into knowledge and art instead of beauty, finances, bodybuilding or competitive tiddlywinks.  I need to learn to be ok with that, or learn how to move the spotlight so that it sometimes shines in other places.