The great 48

Today is my birthday, my start of the new year.  I am full of resolve and resolutions, reflections and distractions- I want to do so many things.  I want to write everyone a letter, telling them my truths- how much they are appreciated and loved, how sorry I am for being disconnected, how they are part of my life even if it is not realized. I want to write a letter to myself, about the same things, about defining who I am and who I have been and who I may yet be.  

Today, today I am forty-eight years old.  I am married, I have one child who is grown, I live in a tumbledown cottage in an overgrown yarden with two doggs and a cat.  I eat too much, work too much, yet feel guilty for not working enough- because I get distracted with knowledge and end up side tracked into all sorts of things.  I love stories, food, sleeping- because my sleep is full of dreams.  My dreams are like other realities- you are all there, off and on, and there is adventures, and places, making things, thinking things, conversations, food and drink and music and lovely smells.  It is strange, because I love you all- family, friends, students- so much that you are part of my unconscious, and I forget that I need to connect consciously as well.  And sometimes it is difficult to connect, to find the words to say in person, in conversation, because it is so easy to just talk about the trivial or not talk at all- I have difficulty in communicating sometimes, it is hard to be 'normal' in groups, join conversations...one on one I am fine, but give me a group and I shut up.  Unless I am speaking in an 'official' role- as a teacher or student- then I am fine holding the floor.  I have no fear of public speaking in front of a crowd- but put me in the crowd and I vanish into the wall paper. Odd. 

Sometimes writing is hard to- but I love it.  I like to type much better than write by hand, and I love the format of the internet- the quick updates on facebook, which are like fleeting emotions and glimpses into everyones lives.  I like the emails- the letters that let me know what is going on.  I love (and am currently obsessed) by the new toy Pintrest- because I can collect images, organize and sort them, *show* others how I think- I'm visual and this is so so so fun.....I worry about over posting, pinning to many things, and then I think- why not?  If they don't want to see it, just unfollow me.... choices, choices. I wish Mother could use the internet- she would love making design boards...it's almost like a portable sketchbook for information- 

So back to the blog.  And I know that I am rambling a bit and not making much sense this morning, but I have to allow myself to say, 'that's ok'. Write for yourself first- selfish as that may sound- and if others want to read it, so be it.  I want to return to the blog, to sharing my thoughts and what goes on~ if I write in a narrative, it is easier to communicate than other wise... but yet, today the words are coming on all blocky and strange. I just want you to know that all is well, and that I am working my way back home.  (metaphorically- in truth, I haven't gone anywhere....but my mind has been 'elsewhere'.)

love you all.

The Edge of the Earth

Hello everyone~ long time without a visit, a chat, a shared cup of tea. Or coffee.  I owe everyone (and I mean *everyone*) an apology for falling off the edge of the earth for awhile.  I tend to do this sometimes- I haven't for quite a while, but I did this year- especially this fall.  I'm working my way back, and this- this bit of writing today- is part of that start.  No excuses, just explanations.  That's all I've got.

Hum.  This isn't as easy to write about as it seems when I am in the car, thinking and driving- I wish I could put all of my mind onto the page then.  Now it just feels trite, vainglorious and confused- but none the less, once started I continue on.  And that, my friends, is the problem.

For a long time I was independent and blessed with success resulting from working hard and focusing.  It wasn't easy exactly, but it wasn't hard.  This year has been hard.  I don't know if I have tried to do to much (probably), am still adjusting to being renested (empty nest then marriage), or just having that proverbial midlife crisis topped off with pope-killing karma from a past life.  All I know is I started stressing in summer, and by the time the end of September rolled around I was a mess.  A total mess- a combination of very depressed, self-treating that through a combination of overworking and avoidance of everyone (because I was overworking, I never am finished with the work, and it is always halfass....so I avoid people so I don't disappoint them, be it friends, or family, or students, or coworkers, or school or whatever- and I *know* most of these people could care less about the amount accomplished on my to-do list- but I *care*...and was dysfunctionally caring excessively.... it's a trap.  And I avoided everyone- I haven't even seen Grendel in months~).  Anyway, I was such a mess that I couldn't finish anything, was breaking my day down into 15 minute increments (seriously. with a timer.  the buzzing and bells drove Charles and everyone else nuts), waking up at ungodly hours (2am, 3am) then burning out and sleeping for excessive amounts of time. (12 hours.  15 hours. full days).  I don't know how (or why) anyone put up with me- I was excessive.  On the surface- fine- for the most part- but inside, not so much.  Not so much at all.

Long story short, I refound my old Dr. Lori (oddly enough she moved offices into our old vet's office... which is kinda weird because the exam rooms are the same that they were for the doggs).  She realized that I was not doing well and sent me to see Dr. Mike, a therapist friend of hers.....I was slogging through a combination of depression and stress-induced adult ADD.  (that is attention deficit disorder, not advanced dungeons and dragons).  Now I have medication to help with the focusing, therapy to help with discovering *why* I use work as a drug (besides the fact that I seriously do like to work- that is the denial speaking- I am discovering that I like to play as well), and I'm tackling getting back on track.  I still have allot to do- work wise, therapy wise, school wise....but I'll get to the places I need to go.  I always keep going (the kill and the cure of it).

Otherwise, this fall the manz has not been well at all- his back is given out, and after a round of MRI's we are off to the back institute this week to see what can be done about it.  At this point, it is looking like injections, nerve termination and pain management is the all of it.  The days of furniture lifting is over- so, except for the auction (and being the spokes model for light things) no more of the heavy stuff.   This is a hard transition for us- both financially and 'what do I do now?' wise for him.  We are a good team though, and will figure something out.

I do love my husband, and we are coming up on two years. And I know that he loves me- but it isn't always easy.  Sometimes I don't know why/how we put up with each other, sometimes we feel like just abandoning the house (which is happily falling apart), sometimes I get tired.  I am sorry for neglecting all of you~ trust me, I never forget you, I love you~ and you all live nightly in my dreams.  I will try to do better at connecting, please be patient with me, it takes awhile.  That's all I can ask.  But I am right here and I'm ok~ and all will be well.

Happy news though, Max *finally* has fur on his butt.  It grew back curly, so he is getting his wish of turning into a poodle!

Today

Just a building, Wallace, NC.

Ten years ago today the world changed.  It was 9/11, but I measure by that date because of the shifts in my personal world as well as the world-at-large.  Sometimes we need to remember the large historic events because they are marks for the events of our small personal histories.  On 9/11 itself I was teaching at Pender, we heard the news from Mr. Hayes in the car shop, thought it was yet another misguided small plane.  Then the radio began broadcasting- news from New York, Pennsylvania, Washington.  I remember huddling with students in Mr. Keiths office, watching tv- tv's in the hallways on carts, flags sprouting suddenly everywhere,  cello music on NPR driving home each day.  On the island they had us register and gave us iodine in case of a nuclear emergency at the power plant- even for our pets they did this.  A long strange dark dream, people planning on wrapping their homes in duct tape and plastic bags to keep safe.  A lone farmer and his tractor protesting something and shutting down all of DC.  Memorials every where.

This was the fall that Daddy was sick, and we traveled back to Pennsylvania often.  Grendel had just turned 12, and we would ride together forever back and forth, sleeping, singing, talking.  For me that Fall was wrapped up in the smell of apples and corn mazes, medicine and waiting for the phone to ring.  When home we cooked, walked, prayed, listened.  We went to Shanksville and took with us the memorial my students made- but what I remember was a green sloping field scattered with hay bales, covered with flags. A black dress on the ground with pictures and candles.  Small bundles of red cloth tied into trees.  More flags.

I remember the apple tree in the back yard of the house on Minno drive, Grendel picking apples, sniffing them.  He smelt like them for the rest of the year it seems-  I have a photo of him, pale and serious in a faded plaid shirt, apple in hand staring at the sky.  

Since then, things of changed.  Daddy died that winter, and I miss him.  Mother moved to Texas, and the family center drifted West with her- and I miss her. Grendel is on his own, discovering the world.  My nephews and nieces grew up, living their lives, birthing a new generation.   

That year was my last year at Pender high- I moved on to the new school, new things. I went back to college, got my degree, started another.  Moved from my beloved island into the cottage.  Fell in love, married again. Learned to live in the country, drink coffee black, wait tables, paint animals, work an auction and work on line.  Replaced the smell of the sea with the smell of the fields and forest.  Sometimes I miss the mountains, the  trees burning, the grime of tunnels, mills, houses tall and old and dusty down in Moxham, Cambria City.  Sometimes, I don't.  

Life, memory, distance- Daddy sits in his box in our studio, on his special shelf.  I wonder what he thinks about things- he was always a thinker, a keeper of logs and journals and daily notes.  I think he would love digital cameras, GPS, the way we have all turned out.  In my dreams- and I dream of him often- he is always at a restaurant with mother, always being himself.  Eating, drinking, talking, laughing, being a bit of a curmudgeon- happy enough of an afterlife, I suppose- if the service is good and the portions ample.

Stubborn

Mule- watercolor in sketchbook on top of other drawing

Summer is, for the most part, over... it's back to school now, officially on Thursday but I've started a few days a week the first of August.  I work to hard, but "that's how I roll" ...seriously, I do love to work/have my career.  Even though I fantasize about staying home and just doing art, I know that isn't what I'm meant to do- even if we didn't starve to death on that income- I like to teach, to plan, to think up new things and interact.  I have horrible doubts sometimes because I am *not* a good technical teacher- my classes (with few exceptions- and I totally credit the kids) do not turn out those amazing drawings/paintings/designs that make everyone go ooooooo and awwwwwww. nope.  The usual reaction is 'huh' or 'gee....you have, uh, improved?'  but I *do* teach them how to think, be curious, experimental and - hopefully- tolerant of difference/new ideas.  (ironically, the one thing that I cannot tolerate is intolerant people. I am to well mannered to voice it- unless they are being outright abusive- so when people rant about politics, race, sexuality, religion whathaveyou from the point of 'my way or the highway' I just space out and ignore them. yeah...you are entitled to voicing your views, but seriously, don't make me try to adopt them.  Who's ranting now? ...I did say 'irony')

Ok- off the mark there, but I'm gearing up for my gentle war (which mainly consists of saying 'new adjective', this is the room of tolerance and love -that is more sarcastic than it sounds-, and something else that I can't remember right now, but it rhymes and makes the kids laugh)  For grownups, the teachers I supposedly lead, my tagline for this year is "Learn to Love the Change" (we are changing the curriculum across the board and for arty people they can be very reluctant dragons...so I am being all positive, and need to figure out bribes for music teachers.  I can bribe art with frames, theater/dance with costume-stuff and auction props, but I haven't a clue music wise.  What do they like? do tell).

Totally veered sideways from my original topic here I'm thinking, but that is ok as well. Flexibility. Change. Growth. 

Last night was an auction night, and for the first time ever the manz missed the auction because he was sick with a stomach bug.  He is still on the couch, sound asleep with the heating pad on the belly and the remote control within easy reach.  He did wake up long enough to tell me "you didn't shut the door and the cat got in here and woke me up clawing the couch, grrrrrr" then back to sleep which is the best thing for sick grouchy men.  (The cat is now securely locked up in the bedroom, safe away from all tempting couches.)

Anyhoo, I took total advantage last night and watched an entire disk of Warehouse 13 (I think he made it through 1 1/2 episodes), and went way off diet for some end of summer treats: Thai-style ramen (peanut curry- yum), a couple of 'Salty Doggs' (grapefruit juice, sharp ginger ale, vodka...the rim is supposed to be salted but I'm out of sea salt and don't know how to regardless...) and the most marvelous ice cream ever:  Ben and Jerry's Carrot cake.  I know, it doesn't sound like an ice cream, but they do it oh-so-well.  Caramel ice cream- lightly sweet, very cinnamony not the heavy caramel- with this wonderful band of creamcheese and bits of just a little chewy carrot cake.  The cake is in just the right size- not big bready chunks, not just tiny crumbs- just nuggets of goodness with what looks to be possibly candied carrots? and (YAY) no nuts!  A slight nutty flavor, but no hard bits.  I'm not fond of hard bits in my ice cream, unless it is pistachio.  Wonderous stuff- almost more savory than sweet sweet... I've been craving this all summer since I heard about it the first of June, and I am so happy I caved in at last.  It was well worth it.

Night of decadence over, today I have a kabillion tons of organizational paperwork to do- again, more leadership stuff.  Tomorrow I will go to school and finish setting up the room (the plan of setting it up with Grendel on Friday was happily interrupted by a phone call, job interview and resulting Grendel job. Yay!)  Then two days at home for 'writing days' where I will work on my classes...then school starts.  First day meetings, convocation with workshops (the aforementioned reluctant dragon workshops- just the start. This is a year-long process). ..a weekend, then the year begins again.  Students........

My natural cycle.  And of course, after all summer, I finally have the inspiration for a new altered book project, so I want to work on that.  And I'm reading the first Game of Thrones book which is addictive....but I'm excited.  Today is a good day, and I'm gonna make the best out of it that I can!

El Diablito!

Yesterday was a day of the devil...after the icecream incident I went on a cleaning binge in the bedroom.  Every trunk, closet, drawer, suitcase and box was gone through.  Items were reduced to 'save' 'toss' 'donate' piles just like in hoarders....and I tossed lots of stuff that I had been saving for no apparent reason.  (Sheets for twin beds?  Why?  we haven't had one in years...since Grendel moved out and we sold his.  The sleeper couch is a double, our bed is a queen, and I see no twin beds in our future..and same goes for misc. tablecloths, mostly with stains, that were acquired along with box lots and saved for 'in case'.  I don't use table cloths- I use my quilt tops for that, and I do have a plain white one... so again, why?)

Anyway, after all this major cleaning and lint and dust, I have been congested and sneezing.   Happy, but noisy and drippy-nosed.  When the manz came come from work, he brought me a treat- you guessed it- ice cream.  I confessed my sin with the Mocha Mudslide...he was astonished.  I don't think he has ever met anyone who could eat so much icecream in one go..... so anyway, I put my treat aside.

Now this ice cream isn't regular stuff, he brought me a La Barisa Diablito, which is a Mexican ice pop- apricot, tamarind and chili.  It's lovely stuff, sweet and spicy and salty all at once. Later on, after dinner, he made me a surprise to help with my stuffy nose.  He let the icepop melt mostly, then mushed it up like a slushy....to this he added a bit (quite a bit) of vodka, and mixed it up.  It was strong and hot and wonderful- not for the faint of heart because the chili intensifies as it melts.  My eyes were watering as I drank it, then in a few minutes I got all giddy, but boy did it clear out the sinuses!  After much deliberation, we have named this (the unpolitically correct name) of  Sneaking Hot Commie.   Name came because both the hot and the booze sneaks up on you- at first taste it is sweet/salt, then *pow* the hot kicks in, then *pow* giddy.  Commie because of the Vodka, of course.  I think this falls into the category of 'kill or cure', but it's my new favorite drink!

Confess! Repent! Hellbent!

Satan.

Soooooo....as you know, I have been trying to diet.  Unsuspectingly for some reason even though I have stayed under 1500 calories per day for most of summer, have not had fast food, ice cream, soda, beer, Mexican bakery, Chinese, or any of the other thousands of food items I lust after.  I have eaten bran every morning.  and yogurt.  I live on salads, the occasional salad sandwich, lots of pickles.  I even drink my coffee black (ultimate sacrifice).   For a big treat, I eat a 100 cal bag of popcorn...and still......

What happened, my personal train wreck, is that it is the end of summer.  I had to work yesterday, have to work tomorrow and Friday at school, and do the roadshow Thursday and Saturday.  Facing into the long tunnel of constant work I am pushing to get the house all clean and organized before I have to be at school everyday (where my teaching schedule for Fall is all screwed up- 4 preps, with planning during lunch when I have endless duties.  Not a happy camper, but a camper none-the-less).  So anyway, manz had to be at work early this morning for the day, and I thought giddily, 'Yay!  Cleaning day!' and started to get to work.  But then.... out of nowhere came this Mocha Mudslide.  Well, out of the freezer.  Manz asked for ice cream the last time I went to the store- his favorite is chocolate, plain chocolate, which they were out of.  I substituted mocha thinking coffee + chocolate ribbon of goodness = ok substitution.  I didn't know- I swear- that it had chewy brownie bits in it.   He had like two bites, then said, "well, it's ok.  It's got something in it.  I haven't tried it with peanut butter yet...that might help."   and put it in the freezer where it has lurked for days and days...... So, this morning I thought- in a passing weak moment- let me see how bad it is.  Just one quick bite before cleaning.  Yeah.  Addict.

15 minutes later I had eaten the WHOLE CARTON!  I was so cold I had to put a sweater on (it's like 100 outside)....but is my tummy upset?  no, of course not.  I could eat a horse and have room for dessert.  I am a true food addict, and any- any touch of temptation leads me into a full out blow out.  There is no such thing as moderation in my world.... only cutting it out 'cold turkey' works.

hum..... I wonder how cold turkey ice cream would taste?  I don't know, but I bet sweet potato pie ice cream- with toasted marshmallow bits- would be awesome....see?  There I go again!  Addict!

My SillyHillyBilly

Charles is a ham...and not afraid to get into character at the auction-  This weeks highlights included him riding a unicycle (seriously- wasn't quick enough to get a picture of that gem), and assuming the hillbilly pose for the auctioning of assorted guns.  Cap on backward, goofy...our friend told me to register him for screen gems- he could have a career as an extra, easy!  Just might do that~

Lots of pretty things at this auction, but didn't end up with them.  I did get one pretty thing (it's for Miss Ball's birthday!) and a collection of "cootie club" Shriner outfits- shirts, sashes, purple fezzes (what is the plural of fez?) and other Shriner stuff.  That will make my theater teachers happy campers! Am collecting my beginning of the year bribes for all the county arts folks....every one is so much more cooperative with my schemes when I bribe them with fezzes.  Yay!  (and picture frames. I never know what to bribe the music people with tho- )

Anyhoo, it's back to school today- not officially yet, but have a few days this week of county work to do, and have to be at Topsail weds. so am easing back into the school year.  3 days each week...then the work weekish/kids come back.  Summer goes by so fast, but this one was fairly good- took lots of naps, sold some paintings, painted a bunch, got to go to the mountains-  I miss going to Texas, but we need a new car before that happens (had to replace the battery now on Traveler car, and the back windows don't roll down right- plus no ac and it has been hot, hot, hot here).  With some luck, we will be able to get a new-to-us car at years end, and keep traveler for a work car, limit Esmeralda to just roadshows and pickups (she is a hungry, hungry van.) I like having a plan and a goal.....and now I have to get started!