Argh Maties!

This is my current summer look, except make the hair wild and curly. Yep, I'm sporting the pirate-look, complete with eye-patch for outdoor occasions. (I haven't actually acquired the patch yet, but I'm thinking it's a good idea...)

What happened was: the girly-problems that I've been having + the hormone treatment sent my immune system spiraling down. Then I didn't listen to the M's (Manz and Mother) and insisted on trying to work this summer, which added a heap of un-needed stress. Add in the fact that when I am doing nothing, I feel like a slacker and obsess about all the crapola that I need to do (clean rose room, work in the yarden, lessons for next year, clean kitchen blah blah blah...when no one is going to beat me if I don't get this all done, still the inner Martha Stewart is a B*).... so add this all up and I have gotten a whomping case of the shingles. All over my torso and- bonus, bonus- the left side of my face. The eye is swollen almost shut, the lips are swollen, the nose is crusty, the cheek rather alligator like. Lovely.

Of course this turned horrible on the weekend of the 4th- no urgent care was open on the 4th and I was to stingy to go to the emergency room ($150! outrageous.... and consider that I just paid that last week for Grendel, plus my girly doctor visits, plus the $75 urgent care.... as far as meds go, we both cost $50 bucks each, with insurance and the Walmart discount. And people say we don't need a government health plan? For someone like me, in the last 2 weeks between Grendel and I we cost $415.00 He has a follow up appointment this month, so do I, plus my surgery on August 3rd...... this is not money that is just laying about. And I'm middle class, work full time plus with a husband that works full time plus and this still wipes us out. This is *just* my co-pay, not the actual cost, and doesn't include a visit to the eye doctor which will have to happen if the eye doesn't improve by tomorrow..... seriously, what would people without dual incomes do? and Grendel paid for his meds... If this happened during the school year I would be out of work for at least a week- my job covers that, but if I was working a regular job (like at walmart or a factory farm) do you think they would not replace me? One series of health problems can wipe a family out.... ok, I'll get off my soapbox now)

On the other side, they prescribed me a zillion medicines (including Vicodan- I'm feeling rather 'House' today) I slept through yesterday and probably will do so today again.... that and do the one-eyed reading thing. (which I know is probably not good, but I have to do *something* and it's less strain than watching tv) My inner martha-beast is saying 'this is a good time to do inside house work' but I am going to take it easy. That's what my body is saying: stop!!!!! loud and clear. Stop, no stress, everyone be the get-a-long-gang and let me enjoy my nice fluffy House-like cloud.

Speaking of which- and maybe one of the medical side of the family could answer this (Aaron, Sam, Frannie) why are pills so HUGE? seriously, my one pill measures an inch long and 1/4 wide. While I can do this, it makes no sense that the medicine Grendel was prescribed to take every am for his throat is the same size. The boy can't swallow....this makes no sense. Make them smaller and just have us take multiples....

oooOooo I'm wanting to change the world today with my feisty ideas, aren't I? The other good thing about all this medicine is that I don't want to eat- for the first time in ever. The other day I came to the realization that I am a full-fledged food addict (I fit every single requirement) and that I was eating to relieve stress (duh) but that I had no control over it at all- it sneaks into my dreams and I wake up hungry- not just appetite hungry but hurting/growling thirdworld hungry. (ok, that was not politically correct, but seriously- physically hungry, not just mentally).... so maybe this shingles episode will be the 'off' switch and I can get things back in control.

On to addressing stress while I'm in the mood to write- Charles keeps asking me what I am stressed about- since shingles is a stress-triggered action, as well as the food thing. It is not so much that I'm under stress now- it's the reaction to stress building up. Kinda like a tsunami- it starts far away then builds up and hits. Simply I did to much last year- and I did it well- but it has caught up to me in spades. Plus all the little stresses- I'm a pleaser/resolver and I work hard at making everyone happy- at home, at school, family wise-friend wise, even selling furniture, I feel guilty for not lowering the price (which is why the manz does the pricing selling and I just look decorative painting)....anyway, I worry about the comfort of others. I dream constantly about school (and food) and -take this to the shrink- making Daddy proud of me. (I know he would be, but in my dreams I'm always screwing something up.... last night I had this crockpot recipe that I was supposed to fix for dinner- it had strawberries of all things on top- I burnt them to a crisp. Daddy was all like "how can you burn something black in a crock pot"- not yelling, just being Daddy).

Anyway, all of that plus my habit of putting things off until the last minute (even easy things, like washing my hair) apparently turned me into a time bomb that exploded into my new pirate look.

Dashing.

The manz is understanding though, and is taking good care of me. He actually realizes that when I'm sick- other than checking on me and petting my head (the only part that isn't crusty and gross at the moment) I do well left alone.... I'm not one of those people who want company when I'm sick, or visitors- that just stresses me out about the cleaning thing again. I just want my bed-cave and a book to escape into, my sketchbook, guilt-free napping and the occasional cuddle. He is wise about this- wise about allot of things.

That wisdom is helping us evolve as a family. I know that I have been a good mother, and turned out a great kid, but the boy didn't get everything from me... it was easier for me to let somethings go (like driving) than to force it to happen. I suppose I'm rather selfish in my views- I'm responsible for myself, but I hate telling anyone else what to do (that goes back to being a pleaser/peacemaker)... it makes me angry to have to do that, so I don't. Instead I let things go- if it bothers me I just do it myself. The plus of this behavior is that I keep an even keel, the negative is that because I do stuff, other people aren't aware that it needs done by them.... Charles is opposite, very organized, very linear and clear with responsibility- he is good at setting boundaries and making sure they are adhered to. Grendel is learning how to cope with that- it's not always easy, but it's an aspect of his upbringing that he lacked- my pastures had no fences. Together we are balancing out, hopefully for the best of all.

You know, despite all of this crusty mess- I have a really nice life that I am deeply thankful for. I'm not sure how I ended up with it, but I love it- I love my husband, my kid, my job, my doggs, the cat- even our tumbledown cottage. I'm a very lucky pirate!

Not bad for tuna fish~

is what the manz says! This is the new sidewalk and driveway in progress- the guys across the road poured it today, Charles had framed it up. The stuff in the driveway is just a base layer thing- that will be framed up and poured as well, We are sooo lucky! hooray!

Today we set up to sell, because yesterday was rainy and bleah and I had to go to the dr's anyway. We had a great time today- it was perfect weather, bright and clear and not to hot. Windy, but that's ok. We sold couches, rocking chairs, bookcases, table + 6 chairs, lots of small stuff (hooray!)... hopefully tomorrow will be a good day as well and the rest of everything will move right along..... I like this whole selling-buying thing. The Manz has a knack for picking out what people like then selling it (for more than I would- I'm forever undervaluing stuff). Boy is catching on and is quite good at selling when the Manz is off delivering things. Me? I'm good at sitting (or standing) and painting- being the 'conversation starter'. Folks like to stop by just to see what I'm doing. We are a regular band of gypsies!

Life is better~

when you're sittin in Dad's chair.

The Manz Understands~

And he brought me glads from the yarden when I had this mornings meltdown- and he understood when the original meltdown evolved into "I don't want to work all summer this is stressing me out and I want to quit Lumina and I feel like a failure and what about the money and ....."on and on and on.
He reassured me that I am not a failure, that I don't have to work all summer (in fact, he reminded me that he wanted me to take the summer off in the first place- an opinion seconded by Mother), that the money is not that important (we always make do) and to just calm down. So after much leaking about the eyes and a glass of orange juice, I am... he is off now with his Dad to collect a heap o' cabbages for give away, and I am thinking about this decision.

I stumbled across the Lumina post by accident on craigslist, and I viewed it as a good opportunity to begin teaching online- which it is. And the money isn't bad, and in theory it was doable. But I've found myself avoiding the work, sleeping to much and having constant stress dreams about school. I worry about burning myself out, keeping the deadline pressure going, not taking care of our home, our family, myself (selfish as that may sound- but I need to get better). I don't want to disappoint anyone, and I hate feeling like a failure- it's rare that I take on something that I don't finish and I don't like that one bit. I hate feeling out of control, and right now I do- spinning in place and I am tired of doing that. The engine needs turned off.

It's summer, and right or wrong I want to clean my house, make art, read, go to Texas, see mother, play with my doggs, nap without guilt, cuddle with the cat, get healthy, go to the beach, take photographs, spend time with my boy, my family, my friends and most of all be relaxed and happy and 'in the moment' with my beloved husband. I don't want to be worrying so much about what I should be doing that I neglect what I am doing. Does this make sense? I know the 'straight and narrow' thing to do would be to follow through with the job. That is hard work, little risk, just discipline and focus. But something tells me that the responsible thing to do is to step back, make my apologies, bow out and just focus on the 'now'. Work will always be there, and money- no one ever has enough. Family isn't always there though, and summer is slipping by. I'm choosing now.

Artifact

June. June and its been so hot that the air smells burnt outside, the bite-bugs are in full force (happily breeding in the giant hole across the street) and everyone is instantly covered in sweat. June and all of my good intentions are awash- even though I have been out of school for almost 2 weeks now, I haven't begun on my great projects of summer, or not begun in full force. Instead I have taken *lots* of naps, avoided working on the Lumina stuff, and cleaned the bedroom. That was this morning-

You see, years ago when I was newly single and at the beach, my room became very feminine, haven-like with lace and the rose lamps, the pink china clock, ropes of pearls hanging from the doors, old family photos, documents, Granny Wrye's drawing of the Belle of the Atlantic. I held onto this look even when moving to the cottage- due to nostalgia (for the beach house as well as loyalty to family-objects). Things gradually changed. The bed, held up for years with duct-tape and cinder blocks, was replaced. Then moved. Another dresser was added when Charles moved in, and a stack of trunks that became his bedside table. In the past few weeks, Turrello has discovered that he can walk around the room while not touching the floor, that pearls are great fun to play with, and that he can make my old tin boxes 'talk' at four in the morning by bouncing on them just so......

Today, I decided it was time for a change. I pulled everything off the shelves, off the walls. I kept some things out, but mainly that which is immune to cats. I have replaced the rose lamps with the oil lamp I found at the auction, and the waternight jar that the manz surprised me with the other week is beside my bed. I still have my abalone shells, the rocks from California and the heart shaped rocks we collect, the tray Aunt Mary brought back from Mexico- on it is my crystal ball (yes, I actually have one!) the first present Grendel gave me on his own (a bracelet of black metal hearts from a claw-machine), Mother's roadrunner pin, the plain cross that Daddy had (somewhere), the coin Grendel brought me back from Rome. The rose table is replaced by the lovely little secretary with the drawers that Charles brought home from a sale (I won't let him sell it! It's handmade and a sweet sweet piece).... I'm not sure what art to put in the room yet, but that will come along. Point is, homes need to evolve, just like families and people do.

The artifact in the photo is something they dug up across the street- not ours, this one, but the manz has brought over a few choice shells that- according to the soil guy- "are as old as the dinosaurs". Me, I'm still hoping for the dinosaur.... I remember trying to find fossils in the rocks at Headacher... I believe.

And speaking of which, I think this house has its name at last. It was obvious, really- Hazelwood. That was the name of the little old lady who lived in it since it was built- built for her- and it is only fitting that it carries her name on. And so it is.

Coco-joe

Coco looking handsome after having his nails done.... (Joe isn't really part of his name, just a name I have for him, coconojoe) Coco goes everywhere with Charles's dad... in the truck, on the tractor, to the bank, to the stockyards, to the auction, to Penderlea... He is a busy little dogg and everyone knows him.

It's been a busy week, today is a sale day for us and the Blueberry Festival- we are not doing it this year, but we are going to go check it out this afternoon and talk to our friends that are set up... We set up Thursday, did ok- yesterday I had my screen test for Lumina and passed! SO summer has turned into a working summer after all... but it is mostly at home, I don't start filming until after July 4th. I can't remember if I said anything about Lumina before, so briefly it is an international online school that I am doing contract work teaching for (high school art). I'm not giving up my day job (NO WAY) but it's a nice bit of extra money and will help with my transition into online teaching. And the program is good karma- Lumina provides K-12 education to refugees, orphans and indigenous kids in third world countries. So what happens is I write (adapt) my lessons, they film me teaching in the studio, then it is transmitted to the school sites. A facilitator/ director is at the site, and they play the video, do translating if needed and do all the hands-on instruction. The first schools are set in Malaysia, with other sites opening in other areas.... it will be challenging and interesting and.... extra money is a good thing.

So, in celebration, the Manz made mansketti last night and garlic bread, my favorite food in the world (Mansketti) and we watched Carnivale.... mmmm.... summer....

Concert in the Yarden

Yesterday was the last day of school, and it was perfect. In early, work done and over- back home for a nap then beautification of the eyebrows at Walmart. It was blasting hot again, and the manz had worked all day, so I picked up some subs for dinner. We settled in with subs and the first few episodes of Carnivale (love it! one of my favorite shows ever) when in a bit there was a knock on our door.

It was the fellows from the workcrew across the street- we had let them set up a tent in our yard so they could have a shady spot to break in. Over the past few weeks of working here, they have become friends with Charles (their local connection for anything from scrap metal to the fire department to free watermelon).... They spend their free time away from home playing music, and asked if they could possibly play in our yarden for us. We got out the chairs, and all settled in (even the boy) for a few hours of music- with jokes and stories. They play old songs, bluegrass, many of them sing- we concerted until about 10 last night (everyone has to be up early for work). Check out the video of them playing and singing 'Old Red' - that was Bear's favorite I think...

It was a perfect way to start the summer- sitting under the stars in our own yard, fireflies flickering all around, good music, my manz singing and lots of laughing. Wish you all could of been here- it was one of those moments that lives forever.