Truth be Told: End of the Year

Turrello on the Table

It is the last day of 2012, and time for wrapping things up, telling truths, old stories and cleaning house.  I haven't been writing much this fall because truth be told, I've been walking with the black dog and sometimes it has been hard to keep going through a day.  Why?  Because- I don't know why.  Is it not getting the job and losing confidence?  Is it from being so very sleep logged with no concrete explanation?  Is it because for the first time ever I not only took an incomplete and did not finish my classes, but didn't really care that I didn't?  I don't know why, but I've been in a mood of apathy, not caring, not connecting with anything- or much of anyone- going through work in a daze, on automatic- not teaching, enduring.  Which is bad.  Not writing, and for a long time- the old sketchbook- not creating anything but violent messy drawings that went all over the place.  Forming plans that never came to fruition, letting chaos pile up, forgetting time and place and money and working it into a tangled mess that I now have to pick my way out of.  Not learning, not cleaning, not even wanting to so much as shower- and my weight is up, my hair has inches and inches of gray showing, the brows haven't been plucked in months.  And I try to care- but it feels futile and is kinda hard to.  I *know* that is dysfunctional, and it *is* getting better- the holiday has done me good for the most part- and I *don't* mean to whine.  I hate whining and going on about something.  But at the same time I want to write out how it has been, how it is and hope to shed light on how it will be- hope.  Hope is always a friend.

I'm not sure now what I want to do.  I have been cleaning- deep cleaning, so far the bedroom and the studio- and we had our little Christmas here and at the farm.  Family, food, gifts- modest but good.  The boy was home for a day and a night- today I am going to the city to go to the movies with him.  (To see the Hobbit- which Aunt Gladys gave me the book- and the LOTR set- long ago.  It changed me then- it was my pivotal story growing up, the way Harry Potter was for Grendel's generation and other stories yet unwritten will be for the children of today).  The Manz has been on an 'Emergency' marathon- beginning with Adam 12 when we both had the flu (before Christmas, and it was super nasty)- for me, it is like being able to visit California.  I can smell the ice plant outside Station 51,  I know what the air feels like and the ground.  How very cold the Pacific is, even in summer.  How there aren't ever as many trees as you expect, and the leaves never turn in Southern California- I did so miss autumn there.  Here I miss the sea.

I have a new sketchbook- bought right before the holiday- and I have been working in it constantly.  It wakes me up and helps- I am actually exploring ideas (the Toynbee Idea), rediscovering mysteries (Gef the talking mongoose) and drawing, drawing, drawing.  My drawings are shifting back to normal, and the writing is there so I am feeling hopeful about that.  I haven't painted though- which I wanted to over break- but instead the cleaning and drawing and Emergency and web surfing have been good.  And I've found some time to read.  I am trying hard to work back into writing, communicating, school- being social and enthusiastic- though truthfully, I would rather be encaved at the moment.  (I know, I need to see Dr. Mike again soon- but the money is tight at the moment so it will have to wait).  And the money thing- while we are telling truths- is no ones fault but my own, and shifting addresses, bills to online, mortgage companies, lack of math skills and my general inattention.  It is a lean month, but the virtual check comes in the first of February  and I can get caught up then- at least so much as to keep our head above water.  Caught up is the best I can hope for, never ahead.  Films will be starting back up soon, and Mr. Owens will be back on set- he does so well at it and hopefully next year will be a busy one.  In the meantime, he is back doing the lockouts and training for the tow truck company, though it is not nearly as dramatic as Lizard Lick.

Right now I need to move on, need to create a change and the New Year is the time to do that.  According to one of my fortunes, my new year (which began yesterday) will be more energetic and I will cycle back into my normal cheerful, chaotic, creative self- which is great as I have had enough of this darkness.  Know though all of you that I love you, and value you, and dream of you often~ and that everything will be ok.

Snowqueen

Snow Queen (in progress)

     Children, children there are monsters in the woods.  And I can't tell you that enough, or how much we all fear that we can't keep them away with all our weapons, prayers, locks or magics.  They have been here since we have, and will remain until we are gone.  It's our story and our sorrow.

     Yesterday a school of small children fell into the woods, and the monster came.  I couch these words in the language of fairy-tales, because the news is all to full of the grim reality: 27 dead, 20 of them children- and the mother, the beloved principal (who was raising five girls, Brady-bunch style), the psychologist that tried to help, others yet unnamed.  The monster, who was someones son.  A teachers son, a special son, a straight-A son who for some reason that will-never-be-good-enough slipped into darkness.   And it is Christmas, almost.  And the president cried, and the sirens screamed, and parents waited the unimaginable wait.

     I am safe at home at my desk, with my husband in our tumbledown cottage, the worst of my worries confined to money, work and the flu.  My son is safe, my family is safe, my students- as far as I know- are safe enough as teenagers will ever be.  The clock ticks, the work waits, life goes on.  Elsewhere voices rise.

       In the aftermath of anything, there is a flurry of pointing and blaming:  the guns, the music, the video games, our culture of violence, mental illness, the fiscal cliff, who did or did-not win the election, bad parenting, over parenting, slack security, fear, over protection, not enough protection, bullies, temper, drugs, money, obesity, holidays, religion, jealousy, fear.....   truth is, it is everything and nothing.  Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the possible whys- monsters come.  It is their nature, and it is a fearsome thing.

Of course, we can say that we make things easier- if the guns were not in the house, if he was a stranger to the school (truth: school culture equates teachers and their families as safe- it is no surprise that he, a teacher's son, walked right into the school.  They probably thought he was bringing her sub plans.) if we let things continuously slip through the cracks.  And there are suggestions from extreme to extreme- ban all guns, arm all teachers (now *that* is a horrible idea. Not only could most of us be reasonably over powered, but the mental pressure teachers are under....it's a matter of time before a teacher snaps, or over reacts, or just reveals that they were a monster in disguise all along).

           What can we do?  I don't know.  Those children- the locks did not keep them safe, their prayers and magics did not, nothing can bring them back.  There is despair in that, and seeds of fear that would twine around my heart and make me afraid to send my child out the door.  But there were others- prayers and magics answered, locks that did not fail, children that came home- and there is an equal amount of hope remaining.  And friends, as dark as the woods are, we must teach the courage to walk out that door regardless.  And have the courage to let them go.

          As for the monster, it is no mystery.  It is right there inside of everyone, along with the saint and the hero and the martyr- along with the loving parent, kind friend and thoughtful stranger.  Its that deepest darkest part of all of us, the part that is all mixed up with the id and shadow self, the reptilian rage of base impulse. The part of us that we might have to work to contain, or channel, or divert- we dance it down, work it out, exorcise it through watching/confronting our horrors face on.  The part that we sometimes hate- yet it is a necessary evil, for it holds the destructive power that sometimes we need to survive.

           I am not defending the monster of Connecticut here, not by any means.  Like a rabid dog, monsters need dealt with quickly, permanently and without sentiment. But I am cautioning that there is a need to look inside instead of out, to not place the blame on the sole influence of anyone or anything- however they may of contributed.  I am simply warning you, children, that the darkest woods, the woods with the most deadly monsters, are those inside of us, and it is best to tend to ourselves first. Know yourself and your monster, be realistic of what you may be capable of and guard against it.  Build your defense with prayer or magic or psychology or what ever you need to keep you sane, keep you balanced, watch for the cracks in the walls, let it out sometimes in safe places to rage or run or cry or smash jelly jars- then quiet it down, tuck it in, let it go back to sleep.  Whatever you need to do- just know it, do it.

           I have no answers, and truthfully, I don't know why I am writing this, except that I have a compulsion to.  My monster likes words, always has. Lets it breathe. All I know is that I am filled with the dark cloud of yesterday, and the sad/mad/helpless pain that goes with it.  I cannot imagine how those parents will continue, or how the children will survive their dreams- but they will.  Somehow, or not. 

         In the meantime there is life, and another day, and Christmas.  Bare trees against a sky, the turning of the year, the deep silence of winter.  God bless, god bless.

         

Checks and Balances

"Life is additive, not subtractive".  One of my former students had that in his facebook post this morning- and I am going to adopt that phrase for I find it true. Curious thing is that this student (who is now 30 something) and I didn't get along much at school- oh, he was polite more or less, and very very talented...but I miscounted him as lazy.  He miscounted me because I constantly nagged, then gave up.  But now- he is one of the wisest people I know.  Every day he writes a bit on facebook, little essays and observations about his life, and writes them very well- humorous, insightful, sometimes sad, sometimes celebratory- always worth reading.  And today, this bit of a treasure.

I haven't written for a long while, been living in the fog/waking dream state- no worries though, will hopefully get all that sorted out soon.  Know brain is ok according to the CAT scan, know that I haven't sleep apena, hopefully just something that can be cured with stepping back a bit and the right kind of vitamins.  We will see.  In the meantime, trying my best to balance work and school and home- have decided to take an incomplete for this semester (my first ever!  Not an easy thing to do or admit) but I am at the point where I must make time to do something other than work and sleep....which is not easy as I am best on 14 hours of sleep a day....(not continuously, though I could.  More like a long night and then a long nap. or two.)  Anyway, enough of all that.  Point is, I want to do other things besides work and sleep- like paint and draw, think and write, drive around, play with the awesome new camera (it's the schools camera, but I get to use it) research, read, watch... and have time for all the people I care about.

We went down to Barbies for Thanksgiving- haven't seen her in years (!)  We packed up the Grendel, the doggs and ourselves, drove down Wednesday and home again Friday.  The trip was fun- talking, sweet potato fries, Mr. Owens 'reminding' me how to drive, smelly doggs (even though they were freshly bathed- Bear wasn't quite dry yet.....).  Thanksgiving was huge- all the food, lots of folks- the Judys, Paula, Paul, Michael, Tommy, us, Barbie and Tom. Four happy doggs- three outside and Cash on the couch.  Football, sale papers, talking....dessert. All the familiar things in my sisters home-  the glass apples, Mother's and our embroideries, photos from a summer vacation long ago.  Afghans - just like we have- including a white one on the bed. ('frosting'- that's what I call the one on our bed- it is the frosting on the top of comfort.)

Back home, Monday, time for school almost.  Mr. Owens is on set in Supply this week (Adrenaline movie- it has one of the old Dukes of Hazzard guys in it).  Boy is safe in his apartment, getting on with his life/work/school and I'm sure the leftovers are long gone.  I have a week of late nights- senior projects that need finished, meetings (always), endless paperwork.  Dark in the morning, dark on the way home- but it is ok.  All of these things add to our lives, our realm of experiences that make us who we are- and how others remember us to be.

Down in the deep woods

Woodcut- I don't know the artist, but I love it!

I want to take a nap, I want to write, I need to go to Walmart, grade online kids, do laundry and chores and grad school work and- importantly- get the presentation done for the conference. (Despite the best of intentions, Melissa and I tend to wait to the last second...but that's ok.) But- my eyes are heavy, I am thick minded, I forget to drink my coffee and all I can think about is my nice warm bed.  I have been up for not quite two hours, after sleeping for 12.  This, my friends, is what my doctors think might be Narcolepsy.  It's horrid- sleepwalking through life like a drunken zombie most of the time, interspersed with mind-racing- less than half an hour ago I was full of ideas, energy, plans- felt like I could do it all and then some.  Now? not so much.

I finally switched doctors, to one recommended by Dr. Mike- and she is amazingly on-task.  Within a week of seeing her, she magically got my insurance to approve a CT scan, comprehensive labs and a sleep study- all of which were noodled around before with excuses of 'oh, your just: stressed, tired, depressed, fat, hormonal etc'.   Which is good in a way, because we eliminated those things fair much- stressed? of  course I am, but that is a given of having a career.  Tired? It is *not* a problem of not getting time to sleep.... Depressed?  No.  Fat? Yes, and for the moment I don't have the energy to go back to working on it- but it is not hugemongous and the weight has been constant (more or less) for years.  Hormonal?  Nope. Ruled that out.  Tried exercise, light exposure, cutting out caffeine, adding more caffeine, taking vitamins, eating high protein low carbs, high carbs low protein, no sugar, extra sugar....bla bla bla.  I can sleep instantly, anywhere.  I dream instantly and in full color/sound/taste (last night it was homemade cinnamon clove marshmallows which were amazing and should be invented post haste)/ texture...everything. And I always remember them well enough to write them down or recount them in detail.  I can sleep for a very, very long time if left undisturbed.  If I am denied sleep, I get really irritable very quickly, can't think or function- it is like walking through mud and everything takes so very long to do.... I force myself through school, am constantly drawing/writing/moving all the time to stay awake.  The second I *stop* doing something, I go down.  (Something also includes eating... I don't eat so much out of hunger or even appetite, but just to stay awake).   Hopefully- with the tests and the new doctor- and I know nothing will happen soon, for while I have had the CT scan and the lab work, the sleep study isn't until Nov 12, and some of the labs won't be back for 6 weeks.  I see the Dr. again in December, and hopefully there will be some sort of solution suggested- in the meanwhile, I will work/sleep/work/sleep etc. and make the best of it.

Other than that (and sorry I was whining about that- I hate being the broken record of 'I'm tired'....) everything is going well.  Grendel is hopefully headed for a new larger apartment with a roommate in a better complex- it is just a matter of slogging through the application process, getting approved then relocating.  He has worked at the book store for over a year now, lived in his own apartment for even longer, and will someday- hopefully- finish school. He works hard at it- at everything and I am proud of him.  

My famous Mr. Owens had his TV debut on Revolution- while in the background, he is seen- and hopefully will be used again in the show.  He spent two weeks in Atlanta filming for Idiom, and was fantastic- This week we got a call from New York about doing a demo/application tape for a show like Oddities- they were looking for hosts for a show about people traveling around and buying/selling strange stuff and visiting strange places.  Somehow they got his contact information, and we made the tape- fingers crossed.  This weekend he is off to Charlotte on Sunday to be in "It's Supernatural", which is a reenactment series done by the Inspiration Network  (which used to be the old PTL network).  He is sure to get 'facetime' in this one- and maybe even that elusive line! We keep submitting for everything that comes along- hopefully he will be selected for lots and lots of other projects!  He has definitely discovered his calling- or at least one of them.

So- today- today I am like the fox in the woods.  I have lots to do, but also need to be clever, work smarter not harder, get things done when I am awake and sleep when I can't stand it anymore.  There is a storm supposedly coming in, and I want to get to the store for things- then the nap, and the work.  Keep it calm and carry on- I remember when Mother sent me those words long before they became a popular fad- now you see them everywhere, but they are still true.  And still good advice.

If You Have to Vote for Somebody~

Vote for Kemo (me!).   This has got to be the most inventive homecoming give away ever.  Now, we have seen the candy, the glow sticks, t-shirts, hats, signs, necklaces including beads, plastic leis and even macaroni (which was the previous thrifty homecoming winner) but this is new.  Kemo, who I don't know well, is one of the football players who is running for king.  He came to the art room yesterday (accompanied by a few lady helpers! and his *own* supplies!) and politely asked if he could use some space to 'make stuff'.  They set up an assembly line, puffy paint, glitter...all of the expected.  They went to work amazingly fast, turned out batches of hand-decorated t-shirts, bubble wands, pencils and.... my favorite.... wash cloths.  He had bought the huge packs of white cloths at Walmart, and decorated them- one for every football player (complete with number, which is no easy thing in puffy paint), one for himself (above) and one for me ("Boo Thang" love Kemo)  which is proudly displayed on my board at school.  Now, all of this took 90 minutes- and just 3 of them working- while my class (group project with theater) scampered in an out.  These three focused, completed everything they brought- without my help- *and* cleaned up.  *and* said Thank-you.  I know who has my vote!  (Sorry to Pedro, Ethan, and the other guy...... but Kemo was amazing and polite).
And I'm a boo thang.

Now, let's think about this for a moment.  In the current world of politics, we have debates, nasty ads, endless trivial nonsense and I just don't discuss it.  Politics tends to be....well.... either aggravating, boring, or just .... ugh.  I'd rather have a coffee.  I *do* pay attention and have my thoughts, but I keep them to myself and would rather not argue about things.  Call it avoidance, or manners, or just- I'd rather have coffee.  But imagine a world where politicians were like homecoming candidates.   Yes, my vote would go for the guy (or gal) who is like Kemo- organized, efficient, works hard to create their own stuff, not afraid to try something new, cleans up after themselves and says thank-you.  And who is wise enough to know how to charm with a well placed compliment. In short, as the kids say, 'Boss'.

Anyway- that was a good end to yesterday- that and the band drops were successfully painted. I ended up crabby during one class because I was focused focused teaching, and most of the class was with me, and then they broke down.  I know they are kids and they get tired, and it just takes one rowdy person (who seems to dine on giant pixie sticks for lunch every day) to derail a class.  Especially when the teacher is a little tired, has lots to do, and is trying to explain something complicated.  I realised that I was going to fast and tried to slow down-- and I ended up blowing up regardless.  Not good.  Earlier the class had been so into it that some of them were singing along to 'American Pie' when I played part of the song (we were talking about symbols).... then....bleah.  And other things- namely a collusion of stuff that I was counting on others to do their part to and they just happily blew off their responsibility....which left me doing it, and no, I couldn't just let it go- because it has to be done and today I am going off to Raleigh for the weekend.  Consulting with the museum on a new course (fingers crossed they will hire me as a writer.  I would love to take a semester off online teaching and write instead- ) and working with Melissa on our conference presentations.  So it is a working weekend but a fun one, with grown-ups only.  A workcation.

Mr. Owens came home in the small hours of the night last night- Atlanta went great and he is back on for all next week- apparently will be 'featured featured'.  Fingers crossed for a speaking (or singing!) bit.... in the meantime, he has charmed everyone on set, is known for his amazing beard (and hair) and is shining like the star he is~ so very proud of him!  He needs a well deserved weekend off though to relax and do Mr. Owens stuff..... I miss him so when he is gone, and now I'm gone- we both have fun when we work, and all relationships are sweeter for a bit apart, but still- I miss my Owens.

And now I have to wrap work things up before getting ready to go-  I never dreamed long ago that work would be so constant.  Not hard, just never ending..... 9 to 5 is an illusion my friends, an illusion.

Have brain, will travel

Hello friends, it's been awhile. Time for updates and sharing, and more promises that I am going to write more in October, because I want to/ need to/ miss it and yet- I have this time management problem from hell. So a basic update to assure everyone that the wheels are still turning, the train is not derailed even if it is behind schedule and not quite sure of the station.

Like my beloved Wile E. Coyote, the fun is in the thinking, the planning, the trickery- and if things don't work, well, that just gives you time to come up with a more outrageous plan.  Creativity in action.

The House, our home, is refinanced at a much lower rate (yay) which means for a more reasonable budget each month.  Tanglewood is still standing, still hanging in there in its overgrown yarden, which does have an amazing array of flowers at the moment- a combination of wild purple hazeflowers, goldenrod and pink smartweed mixed with stray naked ladies and roses.  The fennel is over seven feet tall, and creates a beautiful lacy Forest that looks like fairy land, and the leaves on the dogwoods, privets and myrtles are changing.  Let it grow- it is full of lizards and skinks, butterflies and snails, grasshoppers as long as my middle finger and the lovely writing spiders with their huge webs. Yes, on one hand it is a tangly mess, all unkept, but on the other it is a fantastic place with the most interesting of inhabitants.

School - Trask- is going along well, and is the monster that eats my time, but in a good way.  Instead of being so bored and despondent as I was last year, this year is full of new adventures and I am in love with it again.  My advanced class is working with LC's theatre class- I recently discovered a very early version of 'The Snow Queen', which I had to share with everyone.  This ended up in being a collaborative class project, and modeling all the best of how disciplines are supposed to combine- literature and analysis, history, culture, theater, art, technology, music...and imagination.  The kids are learning, into it, excited- they are making silent films, a puppet show, a living game, a retelling video in Spanish with English subtitles, and multimedia books. The rest of school is good as well- classes are interesting, we are painting a mural of a cherry tree in the sensory room, lots of plans and I love presenting all my staff development stuff- teaching teachers.

School- The Raleigh Job.  I didn't get it- they finally decided last week, it seems as if it was between me and another person (the one-who-got-it).  And that is ok.  I admit that I was disappointed, and a bit down- more so in regards to losing the competition rather than really desiring that change. Yes, I would of loved the challenge, the finally graduating to the adult world of cubicles and lovely clothes, living close to the city~ but I love what I have as well.  And I know right now in my bones that this is where I need to be this year, and that I am making a difference right now- and that what will be will be.

School- Virtual (online) School.  Is killing me- this is my time management issue.  I keep putting it on the back burner when I don't need to, resulting in stress and fear- I need to keep this job. And so, after this writing, my act will once again get in gear and I will work on it all day.

School- Graduate School.  Almost to easy, and the internship is natural.  What next?  I love being a student but am hitting my ceiling of time management/ money/ resources..... and I still want my Doctorate, but I am questioning what in.  I feel like I'm finished with the technology focus- I will have my required bells and whistles in that area by the end of next summer (the Masters in Teaching, with extra licences in technology facilitation and certification for administration, meaning that I can teach it in the classroom, or be the 'tech guru' at the school or county level, or administer- online principle sort of- distance learning programs).  All of which rock.  But I want to do something else now- what?

The Most Beloved Mr. Owens.  Is doing great!  Overworking, which resulted in a much needed day on the couch yesterday, but that is ok.  He has been doing the roadside AAA job, also painting interiors of a house for his dad, and busy being a movie star.  Last week took him to Atlanta for wardrobe and screen test for a movie that-can't-be-named (their rules. Nada. Especially on the Internet).  He goes back this week for several days, and will be there most of next week filming.  He was selected for a featured extra (face time!  maybe even voice!) and I am so incredibly proud of him!    Be on the lookout for episode 5 of Revolution on tv- that is the first aired thing that he is part of- should be out third week in October.

That Grendel Boy.  Is also doing well- school and work and looking for an upgrade to the apartment.  He had a great visit with Curtis who came down from Vancouver, and has reconnected with one of our Oak Island people (Ariel) who he had a 'thing' with long ago.  Who knows?  Anyway, he is living his life and I am proud of him-

Those smelly doggs- are smelly. Despite baths and staying inside (lots of rain/mud).  But they are healthy and sweet and do their tricks and love us.

Turrello- has conquered the living room.  The only room that he is banned from now is the Rose Room, because that is full of trouble-to-get-into (in the estimation of the manz).  He is happy that the crochet afghans have reappeared in every room (he has his favorites), that there are things around that smell like pumpkin (which he likes- not as much as flowers, but still-) and that the electric blanket is on full force.  (Well, it always is, but now it seems more normal seeing that it is Fall and all).

Me?  I'm doing ok.  I get tired, and somedays- like yesterday- all I do is sleep.  I eat to much still, but it is Fall and there was this Boston Creme Cake Mr. Owens brought home.....I work to much, but school is school and there are things to be done and people who need me  (I still think that if all parents just switched their teenagers for a few years everyone would be much happier).  I started a painting of a red barn a few weeks ago but haven't had time to finish it, and I haven't been working in my sketchbook much- it isn't coming together which is strange and a bit worrisome. I have been sewing some- finished my crow bag- and thinking lots, dreaming of fairytales and pumpkins and all the good things.   I am going up to Raleigh this next weekend to work with the Art Museum as a consultant for a few days (yay!)- Melissa is meeting me there and we are going to have girl-time and plan for conference presentations.  Which is fun, not work- so that will be good.  I am going to see a new Dr. this month who will hopefully be able to figure out something about my sleeping thing- and make sure that all is well with me tip to toe.  (I feel fine, no worries, just am the most amazing sleeping person ever- I can go straight for over a day, vivid dreams, sleep anytime, anywhere, regardless.  I wish I could get paid for this talent!)

I miss you all, I miss writing.  I've been dreaming- last night it was Mother at a tea shop, with white table cloths, tea and antiques- we had tea and were talking about various things.  I remember it was a place that I was thinking that Aunt Gladys would of liked- not sure where it was but it seemed like around Ligoneer.  Later I dreamed that I was at Sue's, but she and Tom had built a 'get away' house in the mountains by Blowing Rock.  It was on a hill side, had a bathroom that was huge- besides the normal stuff, it had another section with a massage table and gravity chair- all done in black iron, red cushions and white marble (not a normal Podlucky look!).  They also had a ....can't think of what it is called, but an open courtyard in the middle of the house... with a pool and a tree.   We were going out to bale hay later- for some reason this was considered a treat.   I dreamt the other night of Johnstown, and Granny Wrye's apartment in Connor Towers.  Of Barbie and a train, wearing a red dress and carrying a hatbox.  Of weeds along the roadside and a magic rocking chair that could be used like a car- it got great gas mileage- but was a bit of a pain to carry about.   Strange thoughts- swirling leaves in the night.

Ok- now after that bit of oddness, back to normal- I do love you all, and I will try to write/call/fb more- I wish we could sit down for some tea/coffee and apple cake, and just hang out. That day will come!

Mary, in progress.

      Tuesday morning, almost time to start focusing on school things- long weekend flew by quickly.  Sleeping through Saturday (literally- I don't know how Mr. Owens puts up with me)- then focused work all Sunday and Monday, Trask and Virtual school, didn't even touch grad school except for checking the mail.  Groceries, a small bit of cleaning, and a 15 minute play-break that resulted in Mary, above.  This is a digital collage made in photoshop in 15 minutes from five different images- an abandoned caboose, a crazy quilt, fall leaves, a sun tarot card and an photo of an old lady doll with a shotgun.  Attitude.  The edges on the images are a bit to sharp around the sun, but this is the raw collage- later I printed it out, put it on a clipboard I spray painted black, then worked on it a bit with colored pencil and wash until it was blended more.  Then covered the whole thing with spray varnish in hopes of it becoming rather indestructible.  Short, easy project but a welcome (very) relief to the whole brain thing and coping with all the technology glitches with the new system at the virtual school.  Oh- and editing Mr. Owens emotional range video for the Atlanta movie. (He did fine, it was me who kept laughing and being heard on tape....)

     Grendel made it to SC and back- his first road trip in the car- Curtis had come to visit from Vancouver, and had to be driven back down to Grendel's dads, a car switch, then on to the airport.  Which left Grendel driving home solo for the first time for a distance.  He needs a car of his own eventually, unless he ends up in the middle of somewhere like NYC, but I think the West coast would suit him better.  But that is me, not he, and he will end up wherever he gets a job.

    Speaking of which, I have to get on to my job.  All weekend I was developing new content to teach- it is a whole new set of standards after all- and *that* was so much fun.  I wish that I could just find a way to make money doing that- creating the lessons, and these are exactly the type of lessons that we are supposed to achieve.  Meaningful, relevant, multi-media (I have presentations, prezi's, videos, animated shorts- everything!) and connective (at different levels it includes psychology, consumerism, hoarders, outsider artists, lawyers from Portugal and other assorted things, but mainly bic pens, which I now know are properly called 'brios' after the fellow who refined them).  And I think the kids will love it- I know I am looking forward to teaching this week- which is exactly what good lessons are supposed to do.  Engage both the student *and* the teacher.  I know that some of my troubles last year was that I was bored- I was still an ok teacher, but I was boring myself with the old stuff.  Now I am inventing the new, which I love- but it is such an amazing amount of work.  The virtual school has all new curriculum as well (the whole state does) but while I helped develop the course I am teaching, I did not do it all- I just have to teach it.  But through a new learning-management system, which is a bit like walking into the first day of work to discover that the doors are on backwards and someone moved all your stuff.  Do able, but time consuming and frustrating.  I'm not so good at frustrating.  But today is a new day, the first school day of September, and even though it is 90 and tropically humid I am envisioning apples and sweaters just around the corner.  And lawyers from Portugal drawing tigers with bic pens, old ladies with shot guns that live in a caboose.

Final Project

This summer, on one of my trips to the summer institutes, I had the opportunity to explore the old Coats Elementary school in Coats, NC. It was one of those old schools- not the low slung ones that are so common here in the south, but a northern style huge rambling brick school.  The main building itself is four stories tall plus the basement- but there is an attached three story building- the theater is in between them- and an open courtyard with a multi-floor building that I am guessing is the gym/ cafeteria.  (I did not get to explore that one).   There are also numerous long-low more modern buildings that housed the special ed classes, maintenance, other classrooms.  How do I know all of this?  Well, it is easy- everything is still there. Not *everything everything*- for example, most of the desks are gone (or in huge random piles in the maintenance building.)  But the rest? yep.  Rows after Rows of lovely wood and metal theater seats.  Some of the props from the school Christmas play are still on stage.  There is photography equipment, slide carousels, binders, sheafs of loose paper work.  In the special education building there are trays of head phones, dental molds (the plastic teeth things they put in mouths? to make impressions?  Not sure why they are here-), forgotten school pictures of students with down syndrome laying on the floor.  Jumbles of old white computers covered with moss.

In the main office of the school- the tallest building- there is an open safe, unfortunately empty.  The floor is covered though with ribbons and awards for "perfect attendance", "principals list", others.  Christmas cards are taped to a door- some fallen, but most bravely holding on.  There is tinsel on the bookcase.  In the office refrigerator?  Semi-filled 2 liter soft drinks, things in tupperware.

Judging from the dates on the cards and the other artifacts, the school was abandoned just a few years ago- around 2006 (I can't quite remember, and I didn't write it down. argh.).  Not so long ago as to be subject to the stripping of the copper wire and metals for the scrapyards, but long enough to wonder why: a) they obviously did not bother to leave things tidy  b) the ever-strapped-for-resources county (all nc schools are) didn't at least attempt to remove/salvage equipment like the photo-enlargers, shelves, pipes, etc. c) that despite the lack of 'no trespassing' signs, the open gates and the unlocked doors that there is no evidence of vandalism, teen parties, or anything missing except for an area of hard wood flooring that was very carefully stripped up, showing the base boards underneath.  (It was that wonderful, narrow flooring, still keeping its polish over all these years).  Except for pictures- and I admit, one principals and one attendance ribbon, and a giant light bulb as long as my fore-arm, I also left everything intact.  But it is curious- very- I can understand the stack of desks, and even computers, but files? School pictures? Tinsel?  Was everyone so very excited to leave for the new school?

It's funny because in real life, I have never left a pile of stuff randomly behind when moving (and I used to move quite a bit, nature of the beast), but I keep dreaming of going back to places and finding huge heaps of stuff that I have left behind.  Piles in trucks or yards, trash bags of discarded clothes, sentimental things that had gotten ruined one way or the other and had to be discarded, things that I have lost, or that have been taken or given away.  In my dreams I am going through all this stuff, having to decide once again what is worth keeping and discarding, trying to find the few beloved things that I really miss- and can never find.  I am haunted by things, and places, and the ghosts of objects.  Perhaps that is why I am so drawn to the lost and abandoned- what exactly am I looking for?

I hope to return to Coats soon- hopefully with the manz in tow- I only got to explore briefly the ground level of the largest building and the back special ed/ maintenance building. I looked in the others, but did not have time to *really* look, and I know better than to go upstairs alone.  Still- I want to see what else is hidden there, what other things were left behind.  I just might find what I've been looking for.

September

Another season starts, and another post about my star- can't help it, I'm his biggest fan!  September today, my official start of fall, time for school buses and apples, football game shenanigans, the smell of pumpkins and- even though it is hot out side- the time for hot tea is right around the corner.  We had a very wet August, and everything is overgrown, swampy, green- thick with bugs, and frogs, and the largest skink I've ever seen lives around our porch.  I'm back to school three-fold- somehow managing to work the first two weeks straight without much of a break- including weekends (work and football duty until 10pm), convocation, open houses live and virtual, and endless time spent on the computer.  Although not officially notified, apparently I did not get the Raleigh job- and that is ok.  Right now I am where I need to be, and my kids are their usual mix of excitement, drama and just plain pains in the patuska at times. I am playing ketchup already- computers haven't been working right at any of my schools, which leaves confusion for everyone and a lesson learned (hopefully) that major system switches should be accomplished *well ahead of time*.  But I have some confidence and all will be well.

While I have been merely moseying along in my traces, my beloved Mr. Owens is shining his star.  The photos above are from different days shooting "Revolution" (watch for the premiere of the show on Sept. 17)- he is in episode 5.  I love his look in these photos- and I can clearly see why he is cast to do the things he does.  Apparently he has charisma as well- everyone gets along with him, directors and pa's (what ever those are) as well as the other extras....and lunch conversation with one of the main characters (who came to talk to him)...which is very cool in my book.  And we are on to the next step- for one of the films coming up from Atlanta, he not only made the first and second cut, but they asked for video with him going through specific emotions and reactions.  This is for a possible 'featured extra', which is where you are not speaking, but you are part of the immediate scene instead of background.  The only thing that we are having problems with is the crying part- learning to cry on cue is not easy for anyone- but we will work on that, have it filmed, edited and submitted by Monday.  Keep your fingers crossed!

This is an amazing amount of fun- for me- I love hearing his stories from the set, the occasional movie-food he brings home (on the rare occasion that there are left-overs.  Catering really is as good as they say- last thing was trout with a lemon-ginger glaze.... apparently most people went for the roast beef, so he brought me a heaped box of trout, fresh yellow squash and mixed veg.   Healthy as well!)  But he does work extremely long days.  All last week his call times were well before 8, and after the first day, he had to travel 1 1/2 hours to the set.  Days fairly much- save for one- lasted 14 or so hours, plus the drive home, get up do it again.  The extras don't dare be late, or skip a day- but once you are there you may or may not be used, so it is lots of waiting.  Which involves lots of conversation, snacks, games, Frisbee- of course, I would sit and draw- or try to- but then I would be covered in ink and they would get cranky with me.  The movies that he worked on before this were at night- dinner time to sunup- and for the possible Atlanta one we don't know- except they were told to keep out of the sun, bathe in lemon juice to speed fading tans, and be skinny. (Which movie food doesn't help- though he can eat a horse and not gain an ounce).  Mr. Owens is made for this- as I am made to teach and create.  It is so nice to be loving what you do.

Right now- this Saturday morning- I stayed in bed very late, very very late, and am cleaning about the house.  He is off working the 'knight in shining armor' tow-truck job, holiday weekend they need all hands on deck.  For the first time all week it is sunny out, and I was able to evict the doggs to the yarden- little do they know that a bath is in their future.  Even though I have (4!) long lists to accomplish this weekend, I feel happy and relaxed, enjoying the sun, the day, the first of fall.  

Soap in the Bed

This is my go to soap.  It might be old fashioned, Yardley has been around forever and ever, but it is my absolute favorite.  Oh, I've catted around with other soaps- the liquid kind, the wonderful smelling expensive stuff from Bath and Body, the hand made versions- made by hippies in Asheville, or by Grendel- but I have rediscovered my first love and am wondering why I ever left.  It is perfect for the skin, smells grand and even sits sweetly in the soap dish, having that drying property of old fashioned soap where it doesn't stay all slimy at the bottom, but skins up quickly.  Wonderful, wonderful stuff...and at the dollar store.

I bought it for an experiment.  For years Mother has been swearing that a bar of soap in the bed keeps away leg cramps.  Now, I don't have leg cramps- for one reason, I love love love the taste of diet tonic water and drink it when I can- but Mr. Owens does.  So I thought I'd give it a go- but then, which soap?  I knew that (obviously) liquid soap wouldn't work, or any of the handmade kind as they get soft very quickly when warm and are mostly glycerine based.  I never was keen on the scent of Ivory, Lux, Lifebouy, Dial- and while I admire the bold striping of Irish Spring and Coast, they smell like waking up, not going to sleep.  Dove reminds me of  my Mother, and while I like the scent and love my mother, again, it is not a bedtime smell. I was about to buy it anyway, but then I spotted the Yardley at the dollar store- stacked demurely between the neon liquid soaps with scents like 'tropical paradise', 'freesa spirit', 'berry banana blast'.

Yardley is great for washing, and in bed. (No pun intended!)  The scent is clean, just feminine enough, and it holds up well.  The sheets smell amazing- Turrello loves it- but it is not over powering.  And the lavender is real, not the synthetic 'lavender' smell found in laundry detergent.  I keep the soap loose, and it 'roams' all over the bed- it is cool and smooth, and somehow comforting to the feet.  I thought it would be annoying but it is addicting instead~ I've become a fan.

But what of the leg cramps?  Well, a bit of research into it, (Geek is Good) I found out that soap contains sodium chloride, which naturally replenishes potassium.  Potassium is key to preventing leg cramps- and you can get it from bananas, gatorade, tonic water etc.  Now, obviously you don't eat the soap, and the washing with it doesn't do the trick either.  And the fancy soaps/ organic soaps/ glycerine soaps are made differently, so they don't work in the same way.  What happens is this: the soap is in bed, where it is warmed by the heat of your body (or electric blanket).  The heat helps the soap to 'breathe', releasing sodium chloride, which is kept in the closed environment of the blankets and absorbed into your skin- your pores are open because of the warm bed.  The potassium is replenished and- wala- no leg cramps.  Brilliant!  

Swimming Upstream!

Good bye summer, back to school... already.  Yet this has been the most relaxing summer in awhile- but perhaps a bit to relaxed as I am not as prepared as normal for this first day.  Even though today is all about cleaning, and a leadership meeting (complete with desserts- so far, Sara is bringing rice krispie treats, Jerry is bringing brownies and I made these weird black cherry red velvet vanilla chip cookies that I am not sure are good or just odd... hooray for art teachers who like to eat!)  I have high hopes of focusing and getting things done- determined to be positive and proactive, have decided that the Raleigh job is not meant to be (even though they haven't notified yet) so I might as well kick butt at this one.  Lots of plans, lots of ideas- but like what happens at wal-mart, I end up walking in with an agenda then wandering around aimlessly sniffing the candles.

Speaking of walmart, could someone *Please* tell me where they hide the hand-sanitizer?  It wasn't with the soap, or in the baby-supplies, or pharmacy or with the school supplies (I had wal-minions trying to help me)... so... maybe it is just our wal-mart or mayhap their is a secret location for such a thing.  Not that I actually use hand sanitizer (except in porta-potties)... it kills all the good along with the bad.... but you can use it to preserve bugs.  (and things? I want to try it on flowers...) what you do is put some of the gel into a bottle, then the bug, then more gel.  You have to heat it a bit on the stove to get all the bubbles out, but the results are one exceptionally clear suspended specimen.  (This would be a show-n-tell winner, folks with kids!  Or science fair!  It can also work with flat cases for butterflies and the like, though I like butterflies better dried under glass).  And another disclaimer- I don't kill bugs, but I do hunt for the naturally deceased. Mainly moths and butterflies, but sometimes the pretty beetles, and I found a walking stick this summer- which is the coolest.  Maybe a praying mantis will come my way... I've only seen live ones.  I know it's odd, because I am not a vegetarian in the least, and I am not squeamish or opposed to bones, but I don't kill things, even bugs. Unless they are bugs-that-bite which include mosquitoes, deer flies, fleas, ticks and the like. And roaches. Roaches bad, nothing redeeming about them what so ever.  Everything else can live in peace, including spiders, which I explain to my kids are not scary at all- they kill/eat the bugs that bite, spiders can't chase you down and catch you, and they don't really lay 'spider eggs' in your ears or belly buttons.  Spiders are our pals.

My brain is obviously butterflying all over the place this morning-  I should be focused, practical-sensible, ducks in a row, but all of my ducks are not quite in migratory mode and are thus flying around aimlessly.  Rather like the image above- it is a picture of something- I was working on a tshirt design for a contest.  The contest was a timed 60 minute 'theme'- mine was "the heroic struggle", so I thought of bears and salmon. The bear turned into a rock/wave/water idea (can you still see the bear?) but I am still not happy with the salmon- and my 60 minutes expired long, long ago.  Like several days ago.  But that doesn't mean that I am going to abandon the project- good thing/ bad thing, I work ideas to death and back instead of just saying 'oh well' and letting it go.  Tenaciousness- vice or virtue? 

Surrogate

Once upon a time, about 3 years ago, Turrello came to live with us.  The magical bringer-of-cats-fairy dropped him, tiny and abandoned, into a hole in our yard.  Alerted by the ever vigilant doggs, Mr. Owens braved the unknown to reach down into the ground and rescue the little one.  Originally named 'squirt', the foundling grew into a handsome cat deserving of a grown up name- and became Turrello, in honor of one of the coolest, toughest, TV detectives ever.  Since then, his life has been a golden time, filled with sleeping on the bed, tuna sprinkles, flowers, cat-nip and nestling-in-the-beard.  The only rain on the Turrello parade is when we go on vacation, or- as his beloved dad has become a movie star- long, long, l-o-n-g nights without the beard.

Because I love this cat- even though I am still not a cat person- and he likes me well enough (as long as I don't try to squeeze him, or pet him like a doggy, or mess with Mr. Owens when he is napping in the beard... or sit in his chair, put my stuff in his sunlight, squirt him with the water bottle....) I made him a surrogate 'dad' to ease the pain of separation.  I used my considerable embroidery skills on felt to make a dad-face, complete with long hair and a beard.  When complete, in order to offer the fullest dad-experience possible, I filled it with beard trimmings (from awhile back- the beard is protected from trimming now) and catnip, then sewed it up tight.  Success!  Turrello approved greatly of his new dad, played hard with it, then curled up and went sound to sleep.  All that first day he carried it to different places- on the bed, under the bed, in his chair, by his food.... and now it has been living in the bedroom, safe from the doggs (who could care less, but it is important to Turrello).   The birthday present was well-received!

On other notes, summer is over, officially- I started back Thursday and Friday, working and typing all day which felt wonderful as I could focus and accomplish much.  Friday Mr. Owens took me out for date night at our favorite restaurant in celebration of his first 'Hollywood' check (may there be many more!)   Saturday we went to the city- he for proper headshots at the photographers and me for 'spa day', which means hair-and-eyebrows at the cosmetology school.  His photos turned out great, my hair- it's a bit dark (had it dyed) but that will lighten up, and the eyebrows are tamed again... the school is nice, in the mall, very clean and my person was graduating later that day (and quite nice, but fit the sterotype of hairchick- blonde, tanned within an inch of her life, very made up- pretty in that way- all excited about her boyfriend, and her little doggs, and her new station at a salon in leland, which is decorated all in gold cheetah print... I wish her well).  Anyway, it was cheap and fun (hooray for coupons for photographers and beauty-school rates- both hair + eyebrows for just a little over what the eyebrows cost at walmart).  Then we went to lunch, then AC Moore for a new sketchbook- then I came home, and being me, took a four hour nap.  Busy fun day- today though I intend to write and focus and get things ready for school...for tomorrow it is back on, full force at all three levels.  (Still waiting to see if the magic-new-job-fairy zaps me into the land of grey cubicles and quiet) but that's ok.  I can keep doing what I do, well and happily enough. And so starts year 16!

Whose got the look?

Apparently Mr. Owens does!  He just got booked yesterday for another filming- this time for a tv series 'Revolution'.  Which is a good thing, because while now it is for a couple of weeks it is ongoing so - you never know.  And this is my (very unprofessional) photo- but I like it- the hair should be tided up, eyes intensified, and some air brushing, then he could look like this:
               

"Cupcake Owens"

(It says 'trial' because I was using trial software to edit the photo... it is a program used for glamour shots).  Actually, he is looking a bit biblical there- in the 'airbrushed Jesus' sense, when the real biblical guys probably looked more like the real Mr. Owens.    Needless to say, I am absurdly proud of my star, and have been collecting all sorts of 'stage handler' tips from watching endless episodes of "Toddlers and Tiaras"  (and "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo"- for what not to do).   So here abouts it's been all 'cupcake hands and pretty feet' (I am actually trying to teach Max 'pretty feet' so he can stretch out and show off his fluffy, fluffy paws).  Reminds me of back in the day when I attended White Gloves and Party Manners (still have the books!) and learned how to curtsy, pivot and use the right fork.  Training sticks, because I still *know* all of that though it has been awhile since I've been called on to curtsy.

As for me, no news on the job yet- I did my 'week-after follow up' letter yesterday (I have been reading all the interview advice available on the web!)- but we will see what we see.  I've done my best- and now back to the reality of school.  Today is my first day, not at my school, but at the resource center where I will spend two days on 'lockdown' developing training materials for teachers.  I'm rather excited because this is what I love to do best- come up with presentations and ideas in a nice quiet room (made extra quiet by wearing my magic headphones.  Melissa taught me the trick of headphones = cloak of invisibility because everyone assumes you are 'in the zone' and doesn't interrupt you with social chat or questions of the 'how do you turn on this computer again?' nature.  It's magic.) So...I'm excited about that.  It will be hard to say goodbye to summer though- this is the most relaxed I've been since leaving the beach, and I'm hoping to keep in that groove.  We are starting off right by just taking it a day at a time, and 'not eating the whole elephant at once', which is apparently what I like to do with elephants, ice cream, work and everything else. This year, I'm going to nibble.

                                                    

Waiting for the good things~

Today is beautiful- not hot, the sun is shinning, and one of my morning glories is actually blooming!  I planted *tons* of morning glory and moon flower seeds this spring.... they grow wild all over everyone's fields and beside the road, so I was expecting them to take off.  I waited, and waited- there would be a hint of a leaf or two, the start of the vine, then something would come along and eat it, or it would just vanish.  No flowers, no growth, even though everything else in the yarden is growing out of control (literally- ).  Over the past few weeks, while the rest of the country has been all dried up and droughtish, we have been drenched. Rain daily- sometimes just a hard shower, usually a long soaking, which is a good thing.  Everything is wet and deeply green, mushrooms everywhere, and then suddenly today the sun is out and there is the first morning glory, huge and purple and wonderful.  I take it as a sign of wonder and good things!

I am feeling like working today- another good thing- and am excited and ready to focus.  Yesterday I talked with Dr. Mike (who I haven't seen since before Texas trip) and that went well- he is going to refer me to a different primary care physician who is a bit more keyed in on psych/sleep issues.  Even though it is summer, and relatively stress-free, I am still sleeping quite a bit and get very confusseled if I don't take my medication- and we are having a time of it trying to get it to be consistent through the day, rather than peak/crash.  That is ok during the summer when I have the leisure to nap-at-will, but school starts in a week and I have to be stabilized and on mark then.  I have a whole new understanding of how tricky it is for parents with kids that have ADD- and how much the medication really makes a difference.  It's like day and night, seriously.

After Dr. Mike I picked up Grendel and we went and hung out at World Market, where we mainly stayed in our two favorite sections: candy and beer.   The choices for the day were Mango licorice for him, and he treated me to 1/2 a 6 pack of beer- provided we each chose things we haven't tried before.  My choices were: coconut, honey basil and oyster (so far I drank the coconut, and it was quite good- dark but not to much, toasty, and you could taste the coconut).  He chose honey basil, Viru  (which has an awesome strange bottle and fantastic website), and something else that I don't remember. I bought a roll of printed paper (India style design, with elephants- trunks happily upraised) for school (it was on sale and way cooler than the typical bulletin board paper with crayons, apples and 123) ... and if I get the Raleigh job I will use it for something else creative down the line.  Anyway, we had fun, then I came home to delightful leftover mansketti, the coconut beer and several episodes of T-n-T while sewing on my small intestine.  (not the real one- one of the felt anatomies).  

Manz was out all night- they loved his look, used him in a street scene (he was right beside Jennifer A.'s car, so hopefully he will have screen time)... then he ended up staying all night but they didn't get to the other scene.  Fingers crossed that means a call back- last night only 5 of them ended up staying, and the holding area was a Russian bar downtown (I didn't know that Wilmington had a Russian bar. huh.)... they spent the night talking, and one of the fellows does ghost tours so hopefully soon we are going to have a ghost-tour date night  (I'm thinking Front Street Brewery and then Ghost Tour, or vice versa)... and he had a good time over all.  Plus getting paid for providing the car, even though they didn't use it (we think- just parked it).

So today- it's 10 already!- I am going to do some work, mail the blogs off to Mother, be mouse-quiet while he sleeps... and maybe go out and enjoy the sunshine in a bit if the mosquitoes aren't to bad. It's a lovely day and I intend to make the most of it!

Directions, Motivations and Which Way to Turn Next

This photo is a product of waiting in line at the McDonald's drive about while on one of the summer institutes- I was waiting patiently for my chocolate dip cone and thought this sign a bit humorous. It also turned out to be rather portentous, as this summer has been like a road trip where you might be required to switch lanes at any moment, without much warning.

At the start of summer, I applied for the Raleigh Job on a whim- the whole "I don't think I'd ever be considered, but they asked me, so what the heck, I'll give it a go at the last possible second".  And then the trickle of excitement began, the 'what if's', the worry and the thinking, but it was still just a distant possibility and I didn't dwell on it all that much.  Then I got the call for the first interview, which required preparation- I dug out my resume and turned it into a cv, bought a grown up dress and shoes, networked around- and began to imagine the 'what ifs'.  I was still a bit larky about it though, and the first interview was fun and easy,  and I left on the top of the world feeling that all things were possible.  Later, I got the call back for the second interview- which required more polishing, another dress (which doesn't matter but it does) and a last minute print out of a presentation.  (They called late afternoon before the interview, and just said 'bring two hard copies of a presentation'.  Not which presentation, or back up notes, or the preparatory design files, just the presentation.  So I brought my presentation slides printed out, an overview plan of presentations for staff development for the year, and a copy of a full workup instructional design for part 3 of the first series.  This required focused stress, trying to get links to work, and a very expensive midnight trip to Walmart for printing ink.... Mr. Owens kept me calm the whole way through, drove me to Walmart and made sure that I was as good to go as possible.  Hooray for Mr. Owens!).  Anyway, the second interview was much more challenging, the questions difficult but interesting, and I wasn't quite on mark the way I usually am.  I did do what I could though, tried my best and wrote some fair incredible thank-you notes.  I could blame other things for the interview faults- I was up to late buying ink and up to early printing, I left home late and had to rush to be there on time, it was pouring rain like mad the whole way there which made driving tricky, my hair a hot mess (note to self: hair-hold is *not* a good idea for curly hair, especially in humid conditions, even if it is made for it.  It just turns into a frizzy, staticy mess that leaves me looking like the guy in room 222), and with 'thick ears' from the barometric pressure.... oh, and I forgot to take my Ritalin with me, so I was a bit distracted.....but those are just conditions, things that happen despite our best intentions, things that are out of our control.  I did what I did, I know that I could do well at this job but that I have quite a bit to learn.  Right this morning I am not feeling all that confident, but you never know- and I am both dreaming about a new start (always loved new starts), the quiet quiet quiet environment to work in  (it is amazing what a difference that would make to me), the opportunity to reinvent part of myself to 'career professional self'.  It's like playing 'grown-up' with a nice gray cubicle to decorate, a chance to dress up, and an environment focused on work instead of behavior.... but at the same time, I am thinking about the school year, about projects and students and paint, about all the things I can do and make and create, the absolute fun of the high school where yes, I do have to put up with a lot of crap and responsibilities that are annoying (other job has them as well, but I *wouldn't* have to do gate duty, monitor the bathrooms or tell people to take that out of their mouth because it is a tool not a toy and certainly something that wasn't meant to be chewed on.... and I doubt that anyone at dpi spends their spare time doodling pot leaves, penises and gang symbols. Or tells everyone in explicit detail what they did with their date last night...)
    Anyhoo, point is that I could turn in either direction now and be ok with it.  If I get the new job, I am going to be excited, proud, thrilled and scared to death.  I will have to change in many ways at once, but I'm good at that....I will also be sad to leave the kids, the classroom, the wild abandon where I can paint all day if I feel like it, have people tell me they love me daily and mean it, where I am making hands-on differences- even if they are small ones.  If I don't get the new job, I won't lie- I will be disappointed.... but truthfully, a bit relieved.  The job I have now I love, it is stable and safe, I can be myself and rule my part of the roost.  We won't have to move, or change the way I dress  (except I rather enjoyed the new dresses- but they are *not* suitable to wear to school!  But I will look awesome at weddings and funerals)  and I can continue on doing what I do, which is pretty cool.  Still and all I wish they would make up their minds and let me know- I am getting on with things but even so, I am trying now to get on with preparing for *four* things (school, teaching, virtual school, and new job).... its a bit like dating:  step 1: humm.... looks interesting, may not be interested, ok why not, let's hang out.   step 2: first real date- dressing up, going out, aiming for the best impression.   step 3: meet the folks- ok, you like me, but do I fit in?  Is this going to be a serious relationship or are we going to be 'just friends'...... I am waiting for the engagement or breakup, which ever comes next.  (Either way, an ice-cream celebration/condolences will be called for-)
    My beloved manz is also exploring new roads, and they are following a similar direction.  I submitted him as a movie extra on a whim, just because it was advertised, it looked kinda fun and he loves movies so much I thought he'd get a kick out of it.  He was surprised when he was called- later we found out on Tona's (the casting agent) that over 20,000 people had applied for extras in the film...(of course that is all locations, but some of these people who are extras travel quite a bit for even a day).  He worked all week last week, and was called back for this Monday, and is on stand by for the rest of the week.  The movie folks (makeup, hair, codirectors, other actors) love his look, his positive attitude, friendliness and willingness to help out and be coachable. On set he is fun, easy-going, practical sensible and dependable, while not demanding to be a 'diva' (apparently there are extras that are difficult, demanding, whiny) but doing his job and doing it well.  I always knew that he has a great amount of talent and creativity, and this is an area where it shines.  No speaking lines yet, but he has done a bit of improv that they liked, and even some of the 'big stars' (can't name names, we are not allowed) were friendly with him.  His phone has been ringing, we went to the mall and he was recognized from the set, and there is a world of opportunity ahead.  He submitted for another major movie and was selected again (different casting company, different movie studio)- tonight he will be filming in downtown Wilmington, in a specific extra role- hopefully may upgrade to a speaking part.  We know that is all may just be a flash- but he loves it, I am so proud of him, and you never know- things happen.   The key to it all I suppose is just finding joy in the journey~ and right now we are both having a ball!

Body of Work

Kidney: embroidery on felt

This summer is winding over- which always astonishes me because every year I wonder where the time has disappeared and why so many of the things on my summer list are still undone. I get a little freaked out, because while I get in the mood to start working on school stuff, I also want to just stall out and enjoy what is left- and a compromise is needed.  So today, because I have about a week and a half left- I am going to apply some backwards design and list what I *have* accomplished:

1.  Texas:  we went to Texas, visited Mother and Sue/Tom.  We saw roadrunners and deer, found lovely armadillo bones, explored Santa land again (this time brought home a find!), went fossil hunting and had a lovely spa-ish time at the Casino.

2.  I taught my summer class for NCVPS and learned Moodle, which I used to set up my own class for Trask.

3.  I went to the mountains for the games, had quality time with both Melissa and Grendel, got to see Raph win a prize and brought home honey that tastes like sunshine and reminds me of Melissa's house.

4.  I attended the leadership retreat for Trask, and advocated for BYOD, and ate lots of doughnuts.

5. I attended the summer institutes for 6 days, some of which counted for my internship, networked successfully, took 36 pages of notes, and explored a wonderful abandoned school in Coats, NC- I only got to the first level, but the place is amazing!

6.  I bought my first 'grown-up' (yes, I *know* I'm 48) business dress, summer suit and pencil skirt. And I shaved my legs~

7.  I applied for a job that just might change our lives, and enable me to make a serious impact on education.  I am very, very excited about it, go back for a second interview Tuesday, and am keeping my fingers crossed.

8.  My husband is a movie star!  Iron man 3 premiers March 3, 2013.  Mark your calendars for the debut of  Mr. Owens. 

9. I have been learning anatomical structure through embroidery (see kidney above) and so far have completed: a kidney, pancreas, breast, prostate and gall bladder.  I have also been sewing a host of other small things~

10.  I repainted the cat sculpture head, and the record case in a mojo style- both successful!

So, that is not to bad- and I know that the planning will get done, the house will get clean, and things will work out for the best- I am feeling more positive and energetic this morning (good long sleep last night where all my dreams were a rather nice shade of gray, and involved books, university towers and my sisters), and ready to move along.

Summer

digital painting- polyvore and photoshop

So, Hello, How is everybody?  It seems like I have been AWOL forever, and so I have been- taking a break, even though there has been lots to write about and I feel more centered when I share/write out all the things that have been going on.  Find a firm footing, become grounded, get a move on.... all of which I need to do as I find my way back into some sort of schedule and personal discipline.  No matter how boring that sounds (after all it still *is* summer) without it I find myself happily consuming pizza on the couch while watching multiple episodes of 'Toddlers and Tiaras', which is stunningly non-productive, makes me just a bit dumber, and installs a strange urge to hot-glue rhinestones to everything and learn how to wear makeup.

On to a ketchup- went up into the mountains for Grendel's birthday, and it was amazing- from over heated tropical swamp land to the high mountains with fog, endless rain, and the cold.  Sleeping on the futon on the sunporch of their house, watching the rain, waking up with the sun, all the doggs cuddling when they could sneak aboard.  Way to much food- but so good- birthday banana pudding and up at the games bread pudding with whiskey sauce, fresh fried fish and chips (wonderful, wonderful- that was my 'go to' food), Eccles cakes, shortbread.  Music and mountains, and Melissa bought a magical woolen cloak.  Grendel and Raphael  roamed the grounds, flirting with the whiskey-pudding girl and assorted belly dancers.  (Yes, I know, but somehow or another it has become appropriate for belly dancers/ hula hoopers to be part of the Highland games. Long lost tribe I suppose...).  Raphael entered the wrestling competition and won first place in men's light heavyweight (oxymoron that) which was a HUGE silver plate.  This was amusing because Raph is black, and was wrestling men that were the most part older/larger than he was- barefoot, in a kilt, with highland rules- but he happily toppled them right over while we cheered from the sidelines.  Very, very fun.

After the mountains I was working on dpi/ school stuff (dpi = department of public instruction) which consisted of two day classes at different locations x 3.  And they kept us the whole day- 7:30 until 5:00, and it was mostly fun.  The first set was over by New Bern- new school, catered lunches- best food was the chicken Marcella with roasted eggplant.  Not your normal conference food.  The next set was over by ECU in the Rose high school- which came with assorted roaches roaming about, no janitors and cafeteria food which was....well....return of the mystery meat.  Except it was mashed up and served over baked potatoes (mine was black on the inside- ew). And recycled fruit salad that turned up all day both days.  The last one was over in Lee county, in the middle of the state, Panera catered so breakfast included pumpkin muffins (awesome!).  I learned quite a bit at all of this- and spent as much time as possible networking (which wore me out- I am not all that networky by nature) and dressed pretty much like a grown-up- because of the overlap of people, I considered this as a type of dress rehearsal for my interview. 

The interview itself went well- I wore my $5.00 gray dress with a black cardigan and low heels- it all looked good thanks to the dress sausage.  I had my cv all printed out neat, I *love* answering questions so that wasn't a problem (I am, oddly, never nervous about direct questions or small conversations.) and the *surprise*  timed writing sample went ok.  Good thing that I love to write, they let me use a computer, and the prompt wasn't so very difficult.  I have a call-back interview on Tuesday- trying to prepare for that, but nervous none-the-less (do I wear the dress again? or something different? take copies of cv again? how many? is there another test?  what do I do if they offer me the job? - take it, of course, figure everything out later.  Easier said than done, though I will take it in a heartbeat....but where to live? how to sell the house? argh).  Anyway, I am happy and excited and will be a bit disappointed if I *don't* get the job, but that is liveable because I do have a job I love, am ready for this school year and it will not be a big issue. But for some reason I find myself oddly attracted to the false utopia of working in a small grey cubical with a BIG new computer and all grown ups in a very quiet environment where I can actually hear people when they talk..... and I also believe that I can do some great things, not sure what, but something-

As for Mr. Owens, he has been working diligently with the roadside knight-in-shining-armor job, but also has a budding new career as a film extra.  I submitted his photo on a whim, and he was picked to be an extra in a feature film that is being filmed locally.  He has had to work all night long (literally- 6pm to 6am) for the past few nights, and has at least one more night to go.   It's been very exciting- he loves meeting all different sorts of people, the way makeup/hair folks fuss over his beard/hair (they love it- one has declared him 'their favorite'), seeing the special effect and sets, and, of course, the action of the actual filming.  He is fairly worn out now- last night was unexpectedly very physical- but this would be a cool side job for him if he gets called for other projects.  Fun, fun, and we will all have to go see the opening sometime next March.  I've married a movie-star, who woulda thought!

Otherwise, all is well- Grendel is fine, doggs are fine, cat is fine, we are all ok- I am eating *way* to much again, trying to cut back (and the walking didn't resume when we got back from the mountains, mainly due to work-aways, lots of rain and lots of bugs-that-bite.  I can't stand bugs-that-bite, would rather be very hot and dry). I'm full of good intentions that sometimes end up on the couch watching T-n-T.  But that's ok to, I suppose- at least I'm finally relaxing.

Dear Husband, Dear Son~

Today is not beginning like I envisioned it- and it is funny how the world works in order to remind you of what is important, what is transitory.  I found out that a friend of mine, a fellow teacher- Meg, was killed in a freak parking lot accident yesterday.  We haven't taught together in years, and had become just facebook friends, but Meg was a role model to me- she was an English teacher, the teacher of the year the year I became teacher of the year by default- she left for graduate school and I was first runner up.  Meg went on to get her doctorate in curriculum in Raleigh, the same course that I would love to take but it would require moving there.  She moved- and graduated this spring, just accepted a teaching position at a university up in New York.  She was excited to start her new life, and - keeping in touch by facebook- encouraged me to keep with studying, to go on to the doctorate degree, to apply for the job in Raleigh.  (*Everyone*- I have applied, and have an interview- may the fates take us where they will!).   Her life seemed so golden to me- she was wealthy, and lovely, and kind and smart- someone everyone liked.  She was not a small woman, but dressed well, was beautiful- like a benevolent Valkyrie-  and yes, we also had our disagreements.  But even they were good ones. And now- now that story is over.

I am reminded again about what is important- death always makes us think of that.  And today is Grendel's birthday, and we are leaving for the games in the mountains, and Charles is staying here to work and watch doggs- and I am thinking deep thoughts while it rains on the windows.  Twenty-three years ago today Grendel came into the world.  The first words I heard when he was born was 'it's a baby boy and he has red hair!' and then I heard his voice.  He was his own self from the beginning, and Joanna (another friend gone) always claimed that he was a changeling child and blessed.  (Joanna was an artist and a teacher and lived in an old mill house- she knew things.) Thinking on that, his godmother Barbara said the same- a magic child.  And he was, or at least I tried to give him as magic a childhood as I could manage.

So, Dear Son, you are grown- yet we go on adventures together and I hope we never stop that.  I know that you will get to the places that you need to go, that your life will take hold and your purpose will unfold.  We are not the family of shooting stars with rapid rises to the top, but rather steady spirals that take us around and back to places, learning lessons many times before we find our way.  This isn't a bad thing, for it makes for a long and interesting life- and a happy one.  We create stories that other people tell.  What I want for you is the same as most mothers want for their children- I want you to be happy and healthy, I want you to find love and keep it, I want you to have enough wealth to be safe, sound and a bit spoiled.  Mostly I just want you to be you, and to be appreciated for it.  I love you, and I am very glad that you are part of my world.

And, Dear Husband, who so patiently waits while I venture off yet again, I thank-you for your kindness and your love.  I never thought we would turn out like this, because we are both very different from when our story began, but  shadows just make the light glow brighter.  Out life is not perfect, nor our house, nor our work- and definitely not our bodies- but they are two of a kind and help to hold each other against the world.  Sometimes- even when I get frustrated or angry, caught up in the worries over all the material things, or sometimes when I get to knowing things- and the seams are coming apart, I just have to be near you, hear you and I remember. I find my balance in your voice, I hear the echo of time in your heart beat and I think of the measure of forever.  I do love you, no matter what~

but please and thank-you try to mow the grass?
and boy- remember to wear your sunscreen.

And everyone, it is the small things that make our days worthwhile- both the letters written in love, and the reminders of tasks- the daily grind on our way to the stars.