A Beautiful Mystery

Somewhere, sometime- 

My procrastination has gotten the best of me, and I seriously don't know why I keep repeating this behavior.   I know (intellectually) *why* I procrastinate, and I've researched and talked to Dr. Mike and know a kabillion strategies for addressing the problem....yet I continue on.  And it gets worse. Right now, I'm thinking that the whole thing is that I simply don't want to do it.  I want to take a break, just do my job and create at my own pace instead of meeting other deadlines- unpaid and irresponsible as it may be, I haven't done *just* my job (or two) in years and years...... or maybe I'm just copping out.

What am I procrastinating on?  The Art of Fashion for the museum, of course.  The job I thought I wanted- writing curriculum.  Is there a meeting today? Yes, at 10.  Is there a deadline looming? Yes, soon.  Have I done *anything*? no..... which makes me feel anxious and cranky and grrrrrr...and there is absolutely no excuse.  It is my own fault- I had holiday to work, and didn't.  I had weekend to work, and didn't. And now must pay the piper.

The other think I have procrastinated on is the painting of Meg, which is also due at the end of the month. Black and white portrait (not my best area of art) of Meg, the teacher who died this summer, for the library section that is dedicated to her.  It is started, and actually well along, but I need to refine and finish it. Of course I am not satisfied with it, and worried that it will not be good enough, but it will have to do.  And there are a million other things that I need to do as well- new photographs of Mr. Owens, revise my cv and webpage, write exams and get ready for next semester.  Work on the house and the yard.  Work on getting healthier.  Stuff.

In the meanwhile, I have my morning- and I like this type of morning routine, it feels better and results in a better day than the previous pattern.  I am making time for reading the news while eliminating the other things (blogs etc.) until the weekend- this gives me time to check facebook, submit for casting calls, and write on this blog (my open ended public diary, thank-you for sharing), post my announcements for the online class.  The writing helps me to air out my brain, which is all tangled and keeps skipping... and I know I probably repeat myself in my writing quite a bit but... well....it's how I need to do it right now.  Bear with me.

The beautiful mystery part of today is the picture- I was looking for one to post as I haven't taken any recent ones lately.  This was in a folder, and is something I took during conference in Charlotte two falls ago- what it is exactly  I haven't a clue.  There are layers of reflections, a figure that might be me or might be Melissa, a park or playground with children, bright circles that might be gumballs or toys or? and windows.  I like to think it looks like my brain right now- no real clue where anything begins or ends, what is outside or inside, where I am in the picture or what is going on- but it is complicated and beautiful none the less.