Brown, Tulip, Eyedropper, Honesty

Honesty.  Digitally painted sketchbook drawing.

Brown, tulip, eyedropper, honesty.  Those are the words that Dr. B had me remember as part of one of my tests yesterday- and I remembered them well- even though (tulip/honesty) merged into teacup in visualization, and eyedropper is the least important.  This morning I drew them out in my sketchbook- I waited all night to see if I could still remember them- of course I could- and then played around painting it in photoshop.  It is *not* by far a worthy digital painting, but it was fun- I have a few different versions- I knew I wanted some sort of brown/blue/red tone to it, and a rather hazy look.  So it works for that.  The tulip is there, nodding and brown, the drops lead to the eye in the teacup, which is inscribed with the word 'honesty'.

The colors remind me of a faded Persian rug, and I like the flowing, tangled, feminine lines.

Dr. B is a new doctor for me- referred to for baseline testing, a neuropsychologist.  The testing builds a profile of how my brain functions, what my thought patterns are, memory, problem solving, application of knowledge, information structures plus the regular psych stuff.  Yesterday was just the initial meeting and test- the follow up big block of testing will be in early March.  After testing I went back to school, did an amazing amount of physical work in four hours (cleaning, sorting, painting tables, etc.), then went to see Dr. Mike-  right now we are working on a barter system to help with medical costs, so I have an art commission to fill in exchange for  a series of appointments- which is wonderful!

The general consensus from all three doctors (they are working together on this-) is that a) something is wrong  b). it is not just 'drama' or psychosomatic c). they are looking for a physical cause- my blood work, CT scan and sleep study are all fair normal (except a bit of restless legs for sleeping)...but my brain is *not* functioning correctly at the moment.  Main suspect right now is possible exposure to a substance- we are looking at bromide toxicity as a possible solution as well as other heavy metals.  These would most likely be linked to our well water, which I used to consume by the gallon- because it had a funky taste I would dump some crystal light or unsweetened lemon koolaid in it- it was my primary source of liquid.  So next step is getting the water tested and me tested, and see what comes up.   The county charges for the heavy metal water test- we are doing that- but I found out that I can get a base water test free at PetSmart.  Who would of thought?

Anyway, back to tulips and teacups and testing.  I do question the validity of the test I took yesterday- both the long written part and the other shorter parts, like the memory thing.  I did tell the Dr. that the memory words are easy for me, because they are visual.  I could immediately construct an image of them which I successfully remembered.  If you gave me a string of numbers, or equations, or a mix of math and words I don't think I would of done as well at all.  Or a series of  nonvisual words- without a image anchor to build a story around the result might of been different.  But as it is, a brown tulip dripping into a teacup is fair easy- and then just add the eye and 'honest'- done deal.  The questions on the test were to be answered false, slightly true, medium true or very true.  Of course I wanted to add conditions and explanations to some of the answers- one question asked if writer x was our favorite poet- nope, and I had to write in 'Ted Hughes' even though he is only my favorite poet part of the time.  Along with Dylan Thomas and Edna St. Vincent Millay......Thing is, most behavior is conditional.  And I wonder how many people actually state the truth on the test?  I know that there is a truth-control, which is in part why there are so many questions, that they are so repetitive (reworded but the same) and that there are control questions to see if you are paying attention.  Still, I am curious as to what it will show and what will happen next.

In the meantime, I am counseled to scale way back on activities- to drop the museum project though I don't know how to bow out without looking like/ becoming a failure- to let go of some of the responsibility of life.  Thing is though, letting go makes me anxious- I worry that if I don't keep the ducks in a row they will all wander off and get hit by cars.  But I need to try- it is so hard. I feel that I worked really hard to get to the point that I am in my career and life, and while there is very little material or recognized pay off, some of the things I have done do make a difference.... at the same time, I wonder why I work so hard and care so much when it seems that very few people notice or care.  This is *not* 'poor-meing', though it may sound like it, this is just a reflection on what is valued, what I need, and how sometimes I feel unheard (with a few exceptions).  

What do I need?  Time to be responsible for *myself* first- to go back to the basics and rediscover the things I love.  Honesty to look at what I like to do, what I want to do, what I do, and what I want to change- and be truthful about wants, needs and have the cojones to say no.  Order and balance- it might be boring but it helps me keep on track and feel safe- the same routine everyday for a while with no distractions or surprises (I can NEVER SPELL THE WORD SURPRISE.  I am going to get it tattooed on my hand because it annoys me incredibly. not really).  I need to tell myself that I am not giving up, that I am being honest and....giving up.  A few things.   And I need to get over that bit of guilt.  

In the meanwhile, brown tulips drip tea into a cup, open eyes see clearly.