The great 48

Today is my birthday, my start of the new year.  I am full of resolve and resolutions, reflections and distractions- I want to do so many things.  I want to write everyone a letter, telling them my truths- how much they are appreciated and loved, how sorry I am for being disconnected, how they are part of my life even if it is not realized. I want to write a letter to myself, about the same things, about defining who I am and who I have been and who I may yet be.  

Today, today I am forty-eight years old.  I am married, I have one child who is grown, I live in a tumbledown cottage in an overgrown yarden with two doggs and a cat.  I eat too much, work too much, yet feel guilty for not working enough- because I get distracted with knowledge and end up side tracked into all sorts of things.  I love stories, food, sleeping- because my sleep is full of dreams.  My dreams are like other realities- you are all there, off and on, and there is adventures, and places, making things, thinking things, conversations, food and drink and music and lovely smells.  It is strange, because I love you all- family, friends, students- so much that you are part of my unconscious, and I forget that I need to connect consciously as well.  And sometimes it is difficult to connect, to find the words to say in person, in conversation, because it is so easy to just talk about the trivial or not talk at all- I have difficulty in communicating sometimes, it is hard to be 'normal' in groups, join conversations...one on one I am fine, but give me a group and I shut up.  Unless I am speaking in an 'official' role- as a teacher or student- then I am fine holding the floor.  I have no fear of public speaking in front of a crowd- but put me in the crowd and I vanish into the wall paper. Odd. 

Sometimes writing is hard to- but I love it.  I like to type much better than write by hand, and I love the format of the internet- the quick updates on facebook, which are like fleeting emotions and glimpses into everyones lives.  I like the emails- the letters that let me know what is going on.  I love (and am currently obsessed) by the new toy Pintrest- because I can collect images, organize and sort them, *show* others how I think- I'm visual and this is so so so fun.....I worry about over posting, pinning to many things, and then I think- why not?  If they don't want to see it, just unfollow me.... choices, choices. I wish Mother could use the internet- she would love making design boards...it's almost like a portable sketchbook for information- 

So back to the blog.  And I know that I am rambling a bit and not making much sense this morning, but I have to allow myself to say, 'that's ok'. Write for yourself first- selfish as that may sound- and if others want to read it, so be it.  I want to return to the blog, to sharing my thoughts and what goes on~ if I write in a narrative, it is easier to communicate than other wise... but yet, today the words are coming on all blocky and strange. I just want you to know that all is well, and that I am working my way back home.  (metaphorically- in truth, I haven't gone anywhere....but my mind has been 'elsewhere'.)

love you all.

The Edge of the Earth

Hello everyone~ long time without a visit, a chat, a shared cup of tea. Or coffee.  I owe everyone (and I mean *everyone*) an apology for falling off the edge of the earth for awhile.  I tend to do this sometimes- I haven't for quite a while, but I did this year- especially this fall.  I'm working my way back, and this- this bit of writing today- is part of that start.  No excuses, just explanations.  That's all I've got.

Hum.  This isn't as easy to write about as it seems when I am in the car, thinking and driving- I wish I could put all of my mind onto the page then.  Now it just feels trite, vainglorious and confused- but none the less, once started I continue on.  And that, my friends, is the problem.

For a long time I was independent and blessed with success resulting from working hard and focusing.  It wasn't easy exactly, but it wasn't hard.  This year has been hard.  I don't know if I have tried to do to much (probably), am still adjusting to being renested (empty nest then marriage), or just having that proverbial midlife crisis topped off with pope-killing karma from a past life.  All I know is I started stressing in summer, and by the time the end of September rolled around I was a mess.  A total mess- a combination of very depressed, self-treating that through a combination of overworking and avoidance of everyone (because I was overworking, I never am finished with the work, and it is always halfass....so I avoid people so I don't disappoint them, be it friends, or family, or students, or coworkers, or school or whatever- and I *know* most of these people could care less about the amount accomplished on my to-do list- but I *care*...and was dysfunctionally caring excessively.... it's a trap.  And I avoided everyone- I haven't even seen Grendel in months~).  Anyway, I was such a mess that I couldn't finish anything, was breaking my day down into 15 minute increments (seriously. with a timer.  the buzzing and bells drove Charles and everyone else nuts), waking up at ungodly hours (2am, 3am) then burning out and sleeping for excessive amounts of time. (12 hours.  15 hours. full days).  I don't know how (or why) anyone put up with me- I was excessive.  On the surface- fine- for the most part- but inside, not so much.  Not so much at all.

Long story short, I refound my old Dr. Lori (oddly enough she moved offices into our old vet's office... which is kinda weird because the exam rooms are the same that they were for the doggs).  She realized that I was not doing well and sent me to see Dr. Mike, a therapist friend of hers.....I was slogging through a combination of depression and stress-induced adult ADD.  (that is attention deficit disorder, not advanced dungeons and dragons).  Now I have medication to help with the focusing, therapy to help with discovering *why* I use work as a drug (besides the fact that I seriously do like to work- that is the denial speaking- I am discovering that I like to play as well), and I'm tackling getting back on track.  I still have allot to do- work wise, therapy wise, school wise....but I'll get to the places I need to go.  I always keep going (the kill and the cure of it).

Otherwise, this fall the manz has not been well at all- his back is given out, and after a round of MRI's we are off to the back institute this week to see what can be done about it.  At this point, it is looking like injections, nerve termination and pain management is the all of it.  The days of furniture lifting is over- so, except for the auction (and being the spokes model for light things) no more of the heavy stuff.   This is a hard transition for us- both financially and 'what do I do now?' wise for him.  We are a good team though, and will figure something out.

I do love my husband, and we are coming up on two years. And I know that he loves me- but it isn't always easy.  Sometimes I don't know why/how we put up with each other, sometimes we feel like just abandoning the house (which is happily falling apart), sometimes I get tired.  I am sorry for neglecting all of you~ trust me, I never forget you, I love you~ and you all live nightly in my dreams.  I will try to do better at connecting, please be patient with me, it takes awhile.  That's all I can ask.  But I am right here and I'm ok~ and all will be well.

Happy news though, Max *finally* has fur on his butt.  It grew back curly, so he is getting his wish of turning into a poodle!

Today

Just a building, Wallace, NC.

Ten years ago today the world changed.  It was 9/11, but I measure by that date because of the shifts in my personal world as well as the world-at-large.  Sometimes we need to remember the large historic events because they are marks for the events of our small personal histories.  On 9/11 itself I was teaching at Pender, we heard the news from Mr. Hayes in the car shop, thought it was yet another misguided small plane.  Then the radio began broadcasting- news from New York, Pennsylvania, Washington.  I remember huddling with students in Mr. Keiths office, watching tv- tv's in the hallways on carts, flags sprouting suddenly everywhere,  cello music on NPR driving home each day.  On the island they had us register and gave us iodine in case of a nuclear emergency at the power plant- even for our pets they did this.  A long strange dark dream, people planning on wrapping their homes in duct tape and plastic bags to keep safe.  A lone farmer and his tractor protesting something and shutting down all of DC.  Memorials every where.

This was the fall that Daddy was sick, and we traveled back to Pennsylvania often.  Grendel had just turned 12, and we would ride together forever back and forth, sleeping, singing, talking.  For me that Fall was wrapped up in the smell of apples and corn mazes, medicine and waiting for the phone to ring.  When home we cooked, walked, prayed, listened.  We went to Shanksville and took with us the memorial my students made- but what I remember was a green sloping field scattered with hay bales, covered with flags. A black dress on the ground with pictures and candles.  Small bundles of red cloth tied into trees.  More flags.

I remember the apple tree in the back yard of the house on Minno drive, Grendel picking apples, sniffing them.  He smelt like them for the rest of the year it seems-  I have a photo of him, pale and serious in a faded plaid shirt, apple in hand staring at the sky.  

Since then, things of changed.  Daddy died that winter, and I miss him.  Mother moved to Texas, and the family center drifted West with her- and I miss her. Grendel is on his own, discovering the world.  My nephews and nieces grew up, living their lives, birthing a new generation.   

That year was my last year at Pender high- I moved on to the new school, new things. I went back to college, got my degree, started another.  Moved from my beloved island into the cottage.  Fell in love, married again. Learned to live in the country, drink coffee black, wait tables, paint animals, work an auction and work on line.  Replaced the smell of the sea with the smell of the fields and forest.  Sometimes I miss the mountains, the  trees burning, the grime of tunnels, mills, houses tall and old and dusty down in Moxham, Cambria City.  Sometimes, I don't.  

Life, memory, distance- Daddy sits in his box in our studio, on his special shelf.  I wonder what he thinks about things- he was always a thinker, a keeper of logs and journals and daily notes.  I think he would love digital cameras, GPS, the way we have all turned out.  In my dreams- and I dream of him often- he is always at a restaurant with mother, always being himself.  Eating, drinking, talking, laughing, being a bit of a curmudgeon- happy enough of an afterlife, I suppose- if the service is good and the portions ample.

Stubborn

Mule- watercolor in sketchbook on top of other drawing

Summer is, for the most part, over... it's back to school now, officially on Thursday but I've started a few days a week the first of August.  I work to hard, but "that's how I roll" ...seriously, I do love to work/have my career.  Even though I fantasize about staying home and just doing art, I know that isn't what I'm meant to do- even if we didn't starve to death on that income- I like to teach, to plan, to think up new things and interact.  I have horrible doubts sometimes because I am *not* a good technical teacher- my classes (with few exceptions- and I totally credit the kids) do not turn out those amazing drawings/paintings/designs that make everyone go ooooooo and awwwwwww. nope.  The usual reaction is 'huh' or 'gee....you have, uh, improved?'  but I *do* teach them how to think, be curious, experimental and - hopefully- tolerant of difference/new ideas.  (ironically, the one thing that I cannot tolerate is intolerant people. I am to well mannered to voice it- unless they are being outright abusive- so when people rant about politics, race, sexuality, religion whathaveyou from the point of 'my way or the highway' I just space out and ignore them. yeah...you are entitled to voicing your views, but seriously, don't make me try to adopt them.  Who's ranting now? ...I did say 'irony')

Ok- off the mark there, but I'm gearing up for my gentle war (which mainly consists of saying 'new adjective', this is the room of tolerance and love -that is more sarcastic than it sounds-, and something else that I can't remember right now, but it rhymes and makes the kids laugh)  For grownups, the teachers I supposedly lead, my tagline for this year is "Learn to Love the Change" (we are changing the curriculum across the board and for arty people they can be very reluctant dragons...so I am being all positive, and need to figure out bribes for music teachers.  I can bribe art with frames, theater/dance with costume-stuff and auction props, but I haven't a clue music wise.  What do they like? do tell).

Totally veered sideways from my original topic here I'm thinking, but that is ok as well. Flexibility. Change. Growth. 

Last night was an auction night, and for the first time ever the manz missed the auction because he was sick with a stomach bug.  He is still on the couch, sound asleep with the heating pad on the belly and the remote control within easy reach.  He did wake up long enough to tell me "you didn't shut the door and the cat got in here and woke me up clawing the couch, grrrrrr" then back to sleep which is the best thing for sick grouchy men.  (The cat is now securely locked up in the bedroom, safe away from all tempting couches.)

Anyhoo, I took total advantage last night and watched an entire disk of Warehouse 13 (I think he made it through 1 1/2 episodes), and went way off diet for some end of summer treats: Thai-style ramen (peanut curry- yum), a couple of 'Salty Doggs' (grapefruit juice, sharp ginger ale, vodka...the rim is supposed to be salted but I'm out of sea salt and don't know how to regardless...) and the most marvelous ice cream ever:  Ben and Jerry's Carrot cake.  I know, it doesn't sound like an ice cream, but they do it oh-so-well.  Caramel ice cream- lightly sweet, very cinnamony not the heavy caramel- with this wonderful band of creamcheese and bits of just a little chewy carrot cake.  The cake is in just the right size- not big bready chunks, not just tiny crumbs- just nuggets of goodness with what looks to be possibly candied carrots? and (YAY) no nuts!  A slight nutty flavor, but no hard bits.  I'm not fond of hard bits in my ice cream, unless it is pistachio.  Wonderous stuff- almost more savory than sweet sweet... I've been craving this all summer since I heard about it the first of June, and I am so happy I caved in at last.  It was well worth it.

Night of decadence over, today I have a kabillion tons of organizational paperwork to do- again, more leadership stuff.  Tomorrow I will go to school and finish setting up the room (the plan of setting it up with Grendel on Friday was happily interrupted by a phone call, job interview and resulting Grendel job. Yay!)  Then two days at home for 'writing days' where I will work on my classes...then school starts.  First day meetings, convocation with workshops (the aforementioned reluctant dragon workshops- just the start. This is a year-long process). ..a weekend, then the year begins again.  Students........

My natural cycle.  And of course, after all summer, I finally have the inspiration for a new altered book project, so I want to work on that.  And I'm reading the first Game of Thrones book which is addictive....but I'm excited.  Today is a good day, and I'm gonna make the best out of it that I can!

El Diablito!

Yesterday was a day of the devil...after the icecream incident I went on a cleaning binge in the bedroom.  Every trunk, closet, drawer, suitcase and box was gone through.  Items were reduced to 'save' 'toss' 'donate' piles just like in hoarders....and I tossed lots of stuff that I had been saving for no apparent reason.  (Sheets for twin beds?  Why?  we haven't had one in years...since Grendel moved out and we sold his.  The sleeper couch is a double, our bed is a queen, and I see no twin beds in our future..and same goes for misc. tablecloths, mostly with stains, that were acquired along with box lots and saved for 'in case'.  I don't use table cloths- I use my quilt tops for that, and I do have a plain white one... so again, why?)

Anyway, after all this major cleaning and lint and dust, I have been congested and sneezing.   Happy, but noisy and drippy-nosed.  When the manz came come from work, he brought me a treat- you guessed it- ice cream.  I confessed my sin with the Mocha Mudslide...he was astonished.  I don't think he has ever met anyone who could eat so much icecream in one go..... so anyway, I put my treat aside.

Now this ice cream isn't regular stuff, he brought me a La Barisa Diablito, which is a Mexican ice pop- apricot, tamarind and chili.  It's lovely stuff, sweet and spicy and salty all at once. Later on, after dinner, he made me a surprise to help with my stuffy nose.  He let the icepop melt mostly, then mushed it up like a slushy....to this he added a bit (quite a bit) of vodka, and mixed it up.  It was strong and hot and wonderful- not for the faint of heart because the chili intensifies as it melts.  My eyes were watering as I drank it, then in a few minutes I got all giddy, but boy did it clear out the sinuses!  After much deliberation, we have named this (the unpolitically correct name) of  Sneaking Hot Commie.   Name came because both the hot and the booze sneaks up on you- at first taste it is sweet/salt, then *pow* the hot kicks in, then *pow* giddy.  Commie because of the Vodka, of course.  I think this falls into the category of 'kill or cure', but it's my new favorite drink!

Confess! Repent! Hellbent!

Satan.

Soooooo....as you know, I have been trying to diet.  Unsuspectingly for some reason even though I have stayed under 1500 calories per day for most of summer, have not had fast food, ice cream, soda, beer, Mexican bakery, Chinese, or any of the other thousands of food items I lust after.  I have eaten bran every morning.  and yogurt.  I live on salads, the occasional salad sandwich, lots of pickles.  I even drink my coffee black (ultimate sacrifice).   For a big treat, I eat a 100 cal bag of popcorn...and still......

What happened, my personal train wreck, is that it is the end of summer.  I had to work yesterday, have to work tomorrow and Friday at school, and do the roadshow Thursday and Saturday.  Facing into the long tunnel of constant work I am pushing to get the house all clean and organized before I have to be at school everyday (where my teaching schedule for Fall is all screwed up- 4 preps, with planning during lunch when I have endless duties.  Not a happy camper, but a camper none-the-less).  So anyway, manz had to be at work early this morning for the day, and I thought giddily, 'Yay!  Cleaning day!' and started to get to work.  But then.... out of nowhere came this Mocha Mudslide.  Well, out of the freezer.  Manz asked for ice cream the last time I went to the store- his favorite is chocolate, plain chocolate, which they were out of.  I substituted mocha thinking coffee + chocolate ribbon of goodness = ok substitution.  I didn't know- I swear- that it had chewy brownie bits in it.   He had like two bites, then said, "well, it's ok.  It's got something in it.  I haven't tried it with peanut butter yet...that might help."   and put it in the freezer where it has lurked for days and days...... So, this morning I thought- in a passing weak moment- let me see how bad it is.  Just one quick bite before cleaning.  Yeah.  Addict.

15 minutes later I had eaten the WHOLE CARTON!  I was so cold I had to put a sweater on (it's like 100 outside)....but is my tummy upset?  no, of course not.  I could eat a horse and have room for dessert.  I am a true food addict, and any- any touch of temptation leads me into a full out blow out.  There is no such thing as moderation in my world.... only cutting it out 'cold turkey' works.

hum..... I wonder how cold turkey ice cream would taste?  I don't know, but I bet sweet potato pie ice cream- with toasted marshmallow bits- would be awesome....see?  There I go again!  Addict!

My SillyHillyBilly

Charles is a ham...and not afraid to get into character at the auction-  This weeks highlights included him riding a unicycle (seriously- wasn't quick enough to get a picture of that gem), and assuming the hillbilly pose for the auctioning of assorted guns.  Cap on backward, goofy...our friend told me to register him for screen gems- he could have a career as an extra, easy!  Just might do that~

Lots of pretty things at this auction, but didn't end up with them.  I did get one pretty thing (it's for Miss Ball's birthday!) and a collection of "cootie club" Shriner outfits- shirts, sashes, purple fezzes (what is the plural of fez?) and other Shriner stuff.  That will make my theater teachers happy campers! Am collecting my beginning of the year bribes for all the county arts folks....every one is so much more cooperative with my schemes when I bribe them with fezzes.  Yay!  (and picture frames. I never know what to bribe the music people with tho- )

Anyhoo, it's back to school today- not officially yet, but have a few days this week of county work to do, and have to be at Topsail weds. so am easing back into the school year.  3 days each week...then the work weekish/kids come back.  Summer goes by so fast, but this one was fairly good- took lots of naps, sold some paintings, painted a bunch, got to go to the mountains-  I miss going to Texas, but we need a new car before that happens (had to replace the battery now on Traveler car, and the back windows don't roll down right- plus no ac and it has been hot, hot, hot here).  With some luck, we will be able to get a new-to-us car at years end, and keep traveler for a work car, limit Esmeralda to just roadshows and pickups (she is a hungry, hungry van.) I like having a plan and a goal.....and now I have to get started!

Some Pig!

Some Pig!   arcylic, 07/21/11

I need to do some touching up, but I painted this pig yesterday during our roadshow.  He makes me happy~ looks so deliciously pig-smile-blissed out.  (I suppose 'delicious' is an offensive adjective for describing a pig...but no food intended.  Actually, I don't eat much pork anymore, just some of the fantastic sausage manz makes for breakfast occasionally. Even tho we live in the 'hog belt'- as a certain Ms. Ball calls it).

Anyhoo, it is hot, hot, hot here- we set up yesterday at 6am, lasted until about 12:30.  By then it was 100, with an index of 105- nothing to you Texas folks I know but you don't have a) the humidity  b) a fellow selling chickens set up next to you (the chickens were fine- he keeps them in shade and water).  c) knowing that you have a pack-of-stuff to reload during the hottest part of the day if it doesn't sell.  Luckily, a fellow came by and bought 2 of 3 tables full of smalls (random glassware)...Hooray!!!! This means that today I am supposed to go out to our shed and uncover some more smalls, BUT it is already almost 90, the shed is metal and....I'd rather clean the house some more and scrape up a few indoor smalls to sell tomorrow.  Smalls are my department- manz does the heavy work, the endless hauling and loading of furniture that we store in random places around the county.  (Merel's house, Dad's barn, the Horse Branch Community Club... we need our own barn)

Back to the pig.  I almost always paint when we are doing a roadshow- This summer I've had painting angst, commissions not turning out quite right (a dogg portrait took me 3 tries before the client was satisfied.  That drives me nuts).  I actually rejected the wedding painting- painting people is my least favorite thing ever until I learn how to do it right.  (I did have one brief sparking moment the enabled me to paint a kazillion mermaids back at the beach...but that mojo is gone.)  Now, no doubt influenced by my rural surroundings, I've taken to doing these quick animal pictures.  The chickens I posted earlier, this pig, the goat from last year.  There is such freedom and joy when I paint what I want to when I want to- entirely different from slogging through a commission. But this is my bread-n-butter money (for me-treats) so no doubt I'll do some more commissions before the year ends....I'd rather people just buy my pig tho, or the chickens.....

Saturday is going to be hot, hot, hot again, but we will set up (and to be sure, we do have our tent, lots of drinks, sunscreen ...but I can't paint in a hat to save my life) and I've promised the son-of-chicken-man (he is 9 and a sweetie- he raises and sells his own chickens, the fancy small polish kind with the fluffy feet and pretty colors) that I would let him paint with me.  We are going to have some kinda fun!

Dress Up

If I was a Viking, I would sing really loud.  Take no prisoners.  Loot Walmart.  Discover a new land.  Travel by long boat, wear horns on my head and eat sheep.  If I was a Viking, my husband would be a....

Duuuuude!  A surfer.  He would ride the waves daily.  Use words like 'gnarly' and 'epic'.  Smell like salt and sand and blistex.  Wear Hawaiian shirts, flipflops and drink purple Powerade.  If I was a Viking and my husband was a Surfer, my son would be a...

Bear!  He would sleep all winter and wake up grouchy.  He would,look cuddly, be a little bit scary. He would live on berries and honey and stolen sandwiches.  If I was a Viking and my Husband was a Surfer and my son was a Bear, my best friend would be a....

Gypsy!  She would dance by moonlight.  Tell fortunes.  Know secrets. Travel all over and know all the words to all the songs.  She could build a campfire and cook wonderful things in tin cans.

We can be who we want to today.

Light, Hestia and the pursuit of Happiness

Sunrise on the Roadshow.

I find out things by random reading- when I am without direction, or have a stray moment, I open a book- a phrase or word often leads to strange and curious places that are otherwise not thought of.  Today, it is Hestia, the Greek goddess of home and hearth.  Hestia is the daughter of the Titans Cronus and Rhea- time and 'easement'  (Rhea was the mother of the gods, born of sky and earth- she embodies the flow/ether/creative substance that is the essence of life.  Her name is another word for pomegranate, a large bird and a moon are named after her....)  Anyway, Hestia.  Hestia was the first child, given to liking plain things (wood, white wool, fire, clean water in earthen vessels), and became the center for home and domesticity. (Hearth)..... the center of stillness, peace and the literal 'easement of time'.

I like that.

And today is Sunday- I've never been much for organized religion- but on Sundays I've always cleaned. (Cleanness is next to godliness and all that) Mother's cleaning day was Friday (I dutifully more-or-less cleaned chair rungs and bathrooms), but my day has always been Sunday.  And truth is, it is not a chore but a measure of pleasure, to put the house in order, make things right again.  A meditation, a type of prayer that I have let lapse because of the demands of work over the years....and the simple laziness that comes with  marriage, morning movies and Sunday breakfasts- all of which are good and valuable things as well.  But I've missed it- the house has slid out of control, I have fallen off center, that nexus of calm has been lost.  And I am remembering it- this summer I have been slowly but surely putting things back together.  First the living room, then the kitchen and dining room.  Now the studio...by degrees.  My goal is to have the inside of the house centered and usable by summer's end- then to work on the outside.  This makes me feel better, more in control of my environment.... (everywhere else my environment is more responsive to outside demands- principals, professors, students.  Here we can create a haven).  And this is what I want to do today. 

Let there be light.

What makes me happy~

my new boots and dress- thanks miss ball!

Things that make me happy: my new pink boots, singing in the car, manz-made breakfasts,  blue-and-brown, organization, summer, reading a good book, writing (I don't do enough writing for myself!), 'bear'-hugs, thinking, getting up early, the beach, photographing odd things, being best at something, painting what I want to instead of what I have to, coffee, Mexican icecream, the manz, good tv, accomplishing things that are difficult, money (yes, I'm that shallow), the monster, my leather chair, adventures with ms. ball, ceiling fans, when everything is clean, the doggs, a new bathroom, being out in the sunshine, afternoon naps, thunderstorms at night, blender drinks, thermos kits, music and dancing and acting silly, the cat, keeping tabs on the family on facebook, Mother's notes, web surfing, moths, my sketchbook, making art, working hard, payday, learning how to text.

Things that don't make me happy: telephones, bills, money (argh), criticism, feeling fat, photographs of me, unfinished projects, working *all* the time, feeling guilty or suspicious or paranoid (it's all in the way you interpret what people say), rotten potatoes  (nothing like getting a nice baked potato at lunch and cutting it open to find it black and smelly. yuck.  so much for 'free lunch'), car problems, bad smells, envy.

So what is this about?  I am coming to a point of shifting the unhappy to the happy- finding points of transformation.  It's possible- texting and facebook and letters can replace telephones (I can't hear worth crap, so adapt!), money can be managed relieving bills and creating savings- I am determined to pay off the last of the bills this fall (not counting student loans and maintenance bills- just outstanding depts on cars, computers and the never-ending-vet-bill-of-doom), eat right/ move and remember that I don't feel fat if I don't eat fat (yep, it works).  Learn to love the way I look now instead of longing for how I looked years ago.  Not that I was happy with that at the time...but wait till I get to 100!  I'll think I was one hot mama at 47!  Remember my old motto 'love all, trust a few' (Shakespeare himself said that- it runs true, and it's foolish to not remember it).  If life gives you a rotten spud, toss it in the trash and know that something better will come along later.  No great loss unless you try to keep it, eat it or fuss about it- all of that is a waste of time and energy.  Car problems? fix them or forget them. (fix the engine and windows, forget about the ac for now)...

envy? someone will always have bigger-better-faster-more. Get over it.

Basically, I'm happy, easy going, cheerful.  I work hard and work well.  I get stressed out about the wrong things (according to the manz), which can mostly be resolved by remembering these simple laws of being:

1.  Love all, trust a few.  

2.  If something bothers you, do something about it yourself.  Don't wait on others to do it for you- it won't get done, hon.

3.  Work to your best ability as cheerfully as possible.  

4.  Pay it forward.

Let's have a good day, ok?

Got Gas?

It's July~ these are some old gas pumps that sold at Angel's Auctions Saturday.  We went, collected up some good buys- sofas, nichol and stone dining chairs, lacquered chairs, nice little server-buffet thing, outdoor tables, 18 canvas for me to paint.......a few other odds and ends.  Lots of stuff to sell for just over $100.00 (we already sold one sofa and made $75.00 of it back~) Things were cheap because the auction was packed- mainly collectors that were there for the gas pumps and big collectible old gas/service station signs. The auction started at 6 and went till 12:30- we hung onto the bitter end which is when we happily scooped up lots of the good things.  yay!  

Thing is though that the only reason we could go was that our auction was cancelled for the evening.  Jerry, the fellow who worked the computer registration with his wife, died from cancer- turns out, he was also a top notch basketball coach and the athletic director for a local school (never knew that- we all have secret lives outside the auction).  We went to the viewing yesterday evening, after going out to Charle's sisters for turkey burgers (which are the cause of horrendous gas)....

Anyhoo, in addition to all that, the wildfires are still burning- some days are smoky, some not so much.  I have developed a phantom smell- I will suddenly smell gasoline very strongly- no one else will- but I smell it so strong that sometimes my eyes tear up and once it woke me up...I actually got out of bed and checked all around to make sure that nothing was split, burning, or whatever.  Strangest thing.  It will go away for a bit, then come back strong as all get out.

The summer is flying by- I have a ginormous wedding painting to get done, the house is only partly organized (I'm not even going to talk about the outside), Grendel and I are going to the games this week up at Melissa's for his birthday (the manz refuses to budge.)  He happily acknowledges the need for 'girl time' which also translates into 'free man' time.  Visions of recliners and ice cream on demand in his head, no doubt. (He has been champ at helping me on my diet by limiting his consumption of ice cream until I am asleep.  This helps because I have no will power at all).  When we get back from the mountains on Sunday, I have to work for DPI Monday-Wednesday next week....then a bit of time before going to Texas.  We really want to go- will take a quick trip, hopefully arriving at Mothers on the 29th and staying until Monday the 1st- At the moment I am squashed between school schedules (and a stupid court case- no worries, just a witness, but I have to be in court on the 27th.) ...feeling stressy this morning, no need to, just need to get moving and get things done.  Grace in action and all that.  But I'm smelling gas like crazy, need to bake the manz some cookies but uncertain of my will power, want to clean the studio (but actually want magic faeries to come and clean it for me)......so instead I took a nap, got on the phone with ECU to continue to hammer out my financial aid mess for Fall, had some popcorn and watched Horders updates, which is rather depressing.  (I usually get all inspired by Hoarders to clean out and toss out stuff....but this one they went back 2 years later for updates- most people had returned to their hoarding ways....) and I really, really, really want to dye my hair.  It hasn't been done in months, but I am to cheap to go to a salon- but I want a salon dye job.  I want it dyed really well for once...it usually is a bit blotchy when I do it.  Maybe I'll sell another painting or something~ one can hope!

Update- it's still June! Yay!

School has been out for over a week now and summer is in full swing!  We are back to setting up to sell on Thursdays and Saturdays- it's been feast or famine- and have a new selling buddy on site.  Tracy (the produce guy from last year) moved down the street to a shady spot.  Chicken Man (I have no idea what his real name is) is now in Tracy's spot- he has an assortment of chickens, biddies, guineas and the occasional duck or turkey.  They are well cared for- kept shaded, watered- and I've been obsessed with taking photos and painting them.  Occasionally he will have the odd bird in with the Rhode Island Reds and basic-white-chickens, like these black Polish roosters~  or big game birds, or tiny bantams that crow louder than anyone else.  Chicken man is a character, little and wrinkled and toothless like a chicken, talks all the time either on the phone or to Charles.  They get along and it is quite funny when they get to telling stories, even funnier when a bird jumps the box during transfer and they are chasing it around the parking lot like ..... like a couple of chickens.

Teaching online is good, time consuming because you are never 'off'- students call and text for immediate fixes. That's ok though, part of the job, which I like and am hopefully going to be good at. Fingers crossed.

Other news is that Holly Shelter is on fire- these are state game lands, peat pine swamp.  They have been burning for a week, 21,000 acres so far.  Somedays you can smell the smoke and their is ash on the car, other days nothing.  Thing is, my road to the beach is closed for now, so I am staying home this am and grading, cleaning, instead of taking doggs for beach walks.  Just as well, gas money doesn't grow on trees and yesterday was a fair dry day selling wise. (I did paint some chickens tho, and sold 2 Tiki Owls- )  Manz went to work with Suavey afterwards, has to go back this morning, off to Ms. May's church to work tomorrow.  I worry about him working in this heat, but they are starting early in the morning and hoping to avoid it in that manner.  And it's been oven-hot, more like August than June, but I love, love the heat so am ok with it.  I'll take heat over cold anyday!

Last night drempt of rivers, hands painted blue, taking a math test.  (stress dream that part).  I did like the hands painted blue though- I felt like Krishna or some many armed Hindu god.  Mysterious, impatient, powerful.

Kitchen Witch

Kitchen Witch

Another one of my surprises!  You see, I've been trying to 'eat right' (aka diet) again...and have been doing really well so far.  So today, we had our roadshow, then came home- I went into the fridge for a yogurt for lunch and *tada* Kitchen Witch!   The manz had found her in a box of stuff, and had a brain storm~  so when I opened the fridge, there she was, dancing on the meat drawer reminding me to be good!  Can't you just hear her saying 'Halt!  Thou shalt not pass to the land of cheese!'  I hollered then laughed so hard I about died- she now hovers in a place of glory above the fridge.  

Gotta love it!

Black Coffee and Jiffy the Skunk

black coffee and Jiffy the skunk

Today I am going to learn how to drink black coffee, hot.  I can drink it cold without a problem (strange, eh?) but hot? Haven't done that since I was in college the first time (I think I drank it then because dorm refrigerators weren't invented yet, and I dislike powdered creamer).  But today- today we are out of milk, and cash-on-hand, and besides that, I'm not going to Walmart at this hour.  I want to write, and read, and start my day instead.  Well... actually there is a spot of milk left, but I'll let the manz have it because his coffee requires milk and lots of sugar, and I earn bonus points on the 'martyrwife' chart.  (which I would also earn by digging around for change and taking myself to Walmart, but that is so not going to happen~).

Last few days of school, I have everything packed up, cleaned up, signed off on except the papers we do today- and that's ok, because I can concentrate on starting up the virtual high school job, getting my personal ducks in a row etc.  I am feeling the flush of summer- maybe because clayplague has finally left, maybe because the students are gone and - while I do really love them- the silence and ability to concentrate for more than 2 seconds is nice.  Maybe it is that I am not taking courses, that I am eating right- or trying to- that I went to the beach, have books to read, a new project to play with (that is just for me! It's not an example, or a gift, or bread-n-butter art or anything but an abandoned backpack that was a) free  b) perfect for me- color, size, shape and c) I can do with it whatever I want to. )  

I think I'm waking up and I feel great.  Beyond great.  And that is a good thing.

Now Jiffy, the Skunk, came as one of my auction treasures from the Manz on Saturday.  He brought back a van load of scrap metal, a recliner to sell (it looks like my old blue one I had at the beach), a door for the doorway between the studio and living room (there is an ongoing boundary battle with the 'no cats' in the living room.  It involves a cat gate that I am forever tripping over, the spray bottle and constant vigilance. Truthfully, I could care less if the cat was in the living room, but it keeps the manz and cat busy and happy to play this game).  Anyway- there is also an assortment of plant shelves, some metal roosters to paint and sell,  an absolutely stunning concrete lion, assorted art treats like sidewalk chalk and crayons (the estate was that of a teacher.  All teachers have chalk on hand, no matter how long they were retired), cuff links with Huckleberry Hound on them, 2 tiny gold purse key chains that open and close, Jiffy the Skunk, and my favorite thing- a pair of small brass cuff links with owls on them.  I have unconsciously developed quite an affinity with owls lately- entirely not on purpose- just find them everywhere, have been drawing them constantly.

Anyway, I dissembled the owl links last night and sewed them onto my new backpack, along with an embroidered border and some small pink/purple frosted glass beads that look flowerish to me.  Perfect!

I love the manz- I love summer, a new project, and yes...I am learning to love black coffee.

Graduation Day!

Turrello with flowers~

It's graduation day- and an estate auction day- it's 5 am and Charles is already gone off to the auction, I've had to many cups of coffee, and all the animals are wondering why we are up and about so very early on a Saturday.  Usually we are up early on Saturdays- it's a roadshow day- but today it is extra early and we are not loading Esmeralda up with treasures.  I fell off the face of the world for the last week plus again- it all started with cleaning the studio at school.  I had the *students* move clay and clean out that room...but I breathed in some dust, which kicked up the claylung problem, and then I caught a right nasty bug from yet another kid.  So- while I haven't missed any school, since that is forbidden at the end of the year- I've been sick again, sleeping constantly and drowning my sorrows in nyquil.  It's finally getting better though, which is good- I have started teaching at NCVPS (the virtual public school) and that is demanding.  

It doesn't seem like teaching online would be demanding, but it is- much more so than teaching for ECU was.  The virtual high school has much higher expectations for teachers and interaction, a quicker turnover time for grades and I'm teaching a subject (digital photography) that I haven't taught before- so I'm trying to do assignments right along with the kids.  At least that is my plan, along with losing weight, fixing up the house and yarden, and a kabillion other things for the summer.  Taking a break from college classes though- the financial aid didn't work out for summer and truth be told, I'm glad.  I don't know how I would of managed the course work these past few weeks- I didn't manage much of anything.  Thankgod for the manz.... taking care of me and keeping me in beautiful flowers and nyquil.

The glads are really lovely this summer- and Turrello is obsessed with them- he loves to smell them, rub his head in them, looks longingly up at the vase... I have never seen a cat who loves flowers the way he does.  He loves to smell other things as well- but he will go to the flowers first, every time.  I'm thinking in another life he must of been an eccentric gentleman, perhaps an impressionist painter like Monet- he is so fond of flowers, watercolor paint and spice cookies.  Yet he is not a girly cat at all- (Max is our girly girl.... btw, another 200 vet visit, he has stopped itching so much but still is all naked-mole-rat looking, which is not a good look for a girly girl).

mmmm....I have to get started on my school work, but I'm enjoying this morning- the writing, the coffee, the sheets tumbling around in the washer.... just taking my time to get to the day.  It's a good thing.

Gifts of the yarden

Shark teeth in a brass dish- from the driveway

First of the Glads!

I am a very lucky woman- my husband not only loves me, but is still in love with me.  He puts up with all my angst, shenanigans, work and paint everywhere....he works hard, but finds time to stop, look for treasures, bring them home.  Little things- sharks teeth from the driveway, a rock shaped like a face, the first gladiola from the yarden carefully placed in a glass decanter in the studio.  Things that he knows that I love, or will find beautiful, or curious.  That is one of the reasons I love him dearly- not the gifts, but his constant attention to the world.  The ability to look at the ordinary and find something extraordinary~ and know that I will treasure that as well.  We are not of the shopping mall, and that perhaps is why I am not-so-great at buying gifts.  I make things or find things and he is the same. We know what makes each other happy.

Today is the first of summer (I count by months- for me, June/July/August is summer) and it is hot, humid, breathless.  The doggs are passed out on the kitchen floor, the cat in front of the fan, I am home from school but the manz is still working.  The house is warm but pleasant, no sound but the ceiling fan and my typing- I like this stillness, it lets me slow back down and think.  I am in the mood for a summer book, iced tea, afternoon naps.  Walks on the beach.  Painting in the sun. Singing in the car on the way to nowhere (I love it when he sings!). Long, slow days....

and the previous title means~

Forgot to mention it.  Drempt (why is that not a word? it should be a word)....drempt of what to do for my final crafts exam last night.  A five word exam:  Tell Me What You Know.   (of course, in reference to what they have learned in class, I will make that clear ahead of time).  This is awesome because it is summative, doesn't require me using up my copies, differentiated for all learners and can be graded based on the students knowledge, comprehension of content and technical know-how.  I'm thinking points for vocabulary, touching on all topics and how they relate craft to life and developmental stages, technical information/diagrams. Gonna try it out!

5 word exam

Grace in progress: photography, ink, digital imaging

Last night- after not one but *two* naps during the day, I wasn't sleepy (surprise, surprise).  The manz had fallen fast asleep while I was watching a horror movie (case 39), he had tummy troubles all day- attempted to clean the porch but it was 2 billion degrees, he was pale as a sheet and I made him go back inside and sit down.  We are supposed to set up to sell today, but I am unmotivated (I should be motivated- selling = money *and* less stuff) but la la la....I'm still feeling lazy.  Anyhoo, last night after my movie I started playing around with photoshop, which I haven't done in ages.  The result (only at a stage 8 save) is above- a combination of a drawing from my sketchbook (I've been doing all these weird abstract figures lately- not usual at all, but relaxing), the picture of the car issue from Thursday, a cranberry Fenton vase from above, and a photo of a mask at auction.  

I really like the silky look and flow of this- and the toned down colors with the blast of pink.  Good contrast.  I am going to experiment more, and as soon as I get some printer ink, print it out on silk.  Then I'm thinking of working embroidery in silk thread and the smallest of glass/pearl beads- it has a waterfall/Geisha look that I want to bring out.  It felt really good to play with a different media- I've been working in my sketchbook like a madwoman, but it's all mainly watercolor and ink (and some crayon yesterday-) and collage.  Outside the sketchbook I've done a ton of bread-n-butter type painting for Springfest and the huge prom panels (which I love, btw, will put photos up after I take them- hopefully they survived)...but I'm in the mood for some diversity of art.

And now it is 6:39, and I suppose I will once again be responsible and wake up the husband, go sell things.  I forgot my paints at school, so will have to settle for something else...and I need new ideas (stories) for projects.  Projects that are doable (for some reason I've been dreaming of the abandoned mills at Johnstown- not sure if they even exist anymore, but I want to go photograph them, and Grandview, the Arch, other strange places up North).

Masks

Fire Mask, watercolor and ink

This is from my sketchbook, a few days ago, with minimal photoshop manipulation to make it darker/brighter.   I am really liking it- the colors, the movement and pattern.  It would make an interesting quilt/embroidery thing- I don't really work with traditional fibers anymore though outside of showing the kids how to do stuff.  Sometimes I worry that all of my art begins to look alike- which I know is my style- but I keep returning to the same themes, colors, images.  And black ink- always black ink- and LC got me hooked on the new crystal bic pens that are super dark.  They are lovely and smooth to draw with, the ink is very black, but they run out rather quick and you have to be careful because the ink takes a while to set and dry.  Usually that means it ends up all over the side of my hands, on my fingers and face...sometimes the drawing smears but I'm champ at working around that. 

So yesterday I took one of my weird naps (I am the *only* person who naps with the ac on, the fan on high and the electric blanket on high.  perfect mixture of cool and warm and I can sleep forever- I drempt of blue and white puppies, little pitbulls, so cute.  They were white with bluegray brindle spots...I miss Mother Time).  And I did rest- napped and drew and watched tv with the man and played the stupid facebook game that I am addicted to (Gardens of Time).  Thing about that game it is a hidden picture puzzle- which I've loved ever since Highlights magazine days- and you get to create a garden with plants, decorations and buildings from various points in time.  This is fun because it lets me be kinda creative, reviews art history (they don't always tell you *where* the objects are from) and satisfies my need to acquire things and make them aesthetically pleasing.  Other than that, I did virtual high school stuff for an hour or so, went to the grocery for a massive shopping for the month.....did the dishes. That's it.  Lazy day.

Today I am a bit unmotivated because I am slightly cranky still, but what to do? It is what it is-  so the best course is grace in action.  I always stall like this before tackling projects that I know I will enjoy, but that I dread at the same time.  And I have to work on the school/county web page, write my exams, write my ap summer stuff, set up the ap class online, register at ecu for fall, check the bank crap, deal with more financial aid forms (they never, ever end.  I think everyone who uses financial aid in college should get a bonus degree in form-filling-out), and I want to clean off the porch, clean the house - am tired of it looking like wtw.  Tomorrow we are planning to set up and sell, then go out to the farm for lunch. mmmmm.......hopefully there will be pickled beets or potato salad..... Anyway, I 'm not complaining about everything I have to do, but listing makes me feel better about it.  Grace in action- take a deep breath, plunge in and just start swimming.  Hope for the best and you never know- it just might happen.

Adventure, or I need a spa day. Bad.

Here I am, in the car, on the way home from Raleigh.  I need a spa day bad, or at least a makeover- not that I've ever had each, but they sound nice.  Instead, I had my version of an adventure.  I had to go to Raleigh to sign papers for teaching at NCVPS, and Melissa and Michelle where going to be there, and Barleyjuice was playing at Tirnanog...so...adventure.  And this is how it went:

All week: worked like a madwoman to have all of the prom props painted before I left- lots of late evenings @ school, plus a band concert.  Stressed about money, resolved that, stressed about car not working right- 

Thursday: supposed to be observed- made sure all bells and whistles were in place, students compliant.  Never showed up.  Painted the last bit of prom art- a 3' x 4' copy of 'Starry Night' in 20 minutes during study hall with my fingers.  *that* is some kind of record.  Car working ok- Manz had it fixed by Dad's mechanic Ray (new waterpump)- went to get me a new tire when I got home from school @ 2 and packed.  Began drive to Raleigh (apt. is for 4:30), Serpentine belt breaks halfway there- thankgod there was a service station right off the exit.  Missed the apt, but after several many hours, car was fixed.  In the meantime I sat in the lobby and did school work until the computer battery died....resumed trip to Raleigh.  

Thursday night:  @ hotel there is a Manga convention, which means hosts of teenagers dressed up in costumes based mainly on Japanese comics.  With a herd of random Darth Vaders tossed in.  And a few Furries. And assorted grown men trying very, very hard to pretend that they are *not* looking at teenage girls dressed in sailor-moon miniskirts with pink wigs and platform boots.  We went to Tirannog, where the show was awesome, Aviator brewery was having a beer tasting (with free glasses if you bought a pint of the 'good stuff')... ruben sandwich and a bit of overindulgence. Was awesome getting to sit and talk and hang out- I've missed 'Miss Ball' so much!  

Friday: woke up feeling like death (to old for late nights, even though I love our new free glasses- yes, plural). Went to sign papers, made it home.  Went to sleep while understanding manz teased me.....

Point is, I am still at that awkward age.  I am 47, mentally about 20.  In my mind I am young enough to crave adventures, want to look good,  know what all the current things are, and slack off.....and I'm sure this is influenced with hanging out with teenagers 80% of the time.  I'm also old enough to know I am smart, and I feel guilty when I slack off, and know the difference between fantasy (20) and reality (47).  However.... sometimes the mind and body don't seem to synchronize all that well and... bleah.

Lately I've been feeling particularly haggish.  My hair needs dyed, my eyebrows plucked, I've gained the weight back (stress eating...and when I asked the new doctor about my struggle to gain weight, she just shrugged and said: "it's hard, isn't it?" which was not helpful at all. or encouraging. or adviceful- seriously, for my copay I should at least get either encouragement or a scolding.... or at least a 'participant' sticker).  As usual, at the end of the year everything I own has paint on it somewhere, all of my shoes have holes in them and I'm feeling very, very haggish.  In a perfect world I would go get my hair professionally dyed (only have once ever in my life...in Texas, years ago), get my eyebrows waxed (and the legs!  I hate shaving and never learned how to do it properly), suddenly be bestowed with 3 pairs of shoes (new rainbows, any kind of TOMS, and black lowtop chucks), jeans that fit, long comfy summer dresses, long skirts and amazing new shirts that didn't have: buttons,collars, glitter, stupid designs and showed off the boobs while hiding the tummy.  And my art fat would disappear.  And the doggs would get better and grow their fur back (Max is really in rough shape- vet again on Thursday.  He eats and seems to feel ok, just fierce itching and fur loss- looks like one of the beasts people claim are el chupacabras)..... the manz needs new jeans and work boots.... 

the house is haggish to. needs cleaned, stuff tossed, the yarden mowed (I blame the dogg condition on some plant. like poison ivy or something).... sigh.  and I have work to do for the virtual school, and Trask.  What I want to do is go to the beach (take doggs swimming- think saltwater would be magic on them)  read a good book that I haven't read before, find a way to get positive and motivated about dieting...just kinda change everything.  and I know I'm whining- but sometimes that is what a blog is for since I don't keep a paper journal anymore.

And don't get me wrong- my life *is* very good, very busy, very happy-  I'm lucky, in love with my husband (who loves me right back), love my family, friends, job, kids @ school.... I just want to look/feel better doing it.

Virtual makeover in the soccer-mom mode.  Now I look like all the other teachers.  Actually, this was kinda fun-  

http://www.taaz.com/

Advice~

Mother sent me a version of this as a magazine clip- best advice ever.  I'm trying : )  but just to add to the continued chain of events, I've been out of prozac for several days- to busy to phone dr.- when Charles called this am, they said  "Your doctor is no longer with us. (Death? Rapture? ZA? or just Quit?) so you have to come in tomorrow am for a complete work up before we refill your meds.  And that is like a kabillion dollars because a) I'm fat, so my insurance is higher,  b) it's a different doctor so it will count as a 'new patient' (yes I phoned the insurance), c) it is still more reasonable than the expected bail will be if I snap.  Though want to bet I'd still have to finish the prom props through my cell bars....just stick my hand out and they will put a roller in it and I'd be good to go.

Real Men Drink Juice Packs

The manz @ Springfest

Yesterday was Springfest, and it was lovely- all sun, no rain, no zombies.  We began setting up at 7am- thankyou to the students that showed up that early in order to help- worked all day, broke down at 3, auction at 4 home by 11.   Morninglory did quite well, we sold a bed, a painting, and lots of small stuff- and the manz discovered a new passion for juice packs (left over from all county chorus, and warm, but free- and free makes everything better!).  Letty painted faces and made about $50 bucks towards her AP test.  The Trask kids sold a little bit of stuff- about 20 bucks worth- but every bit counts and more importantly they can see how incredibly hard artists have to work in order to prepare for a show that may or may not make any money....I remember living that way, way-back-when, and it sucks.  Almost made me hate art making...now somehow we still don't have any money, but I do have the nice steady paycheck that covers the basics, and the manz covers the rest.  Unfortunately, pay does not keep up with economy, and our pay has stayed the same or been reduced, while gas, milk and coffee are at $4.00 each.  I remember back when I first started teaching I could make 20 bucks in food last a week- counting pets, household and grendel-school-lunches, but now that just buys the basics for the week: 1 gallon milk, 3 gallons gas (which is a weeks worth of driving).  And that is for my car (not the milk- that is for coffee and the manz cookies)  Esmeralda gobbles gas- 20 took her to school, springfest, home.  That's it- she is big and lovely and sturdy but *not* economical.  

Money.  It's boring to talk about, stressful to think about and the bane of my existence.  We do not live beyond our means at all, yet we are constantly broke, which is discouraging- mainly because there are few people that work as hard as we do.  As I said, we make enough to cover the basics, but like so many there is always a choice: fix the car or go to the dentist (car.  car = work = money.  no one pays us for not having crap-all teeth).  buy groceries or go to the beach (groceries.  I love the beach and am wishing for it, but gas to beach = weeks worth of expenses).   blah, blah, blah- it's boring.  And stressful.  Because I was working to much I filled out my ECU financial aid papers for the wrong year (next summer, not this summer) and did not have enough financial aid to cover my classes- plus with the teaching position there being struck (at least for summer, hopefully I will have it in the fall) I could not afford to pay tuition for summer out-of-pocket....  and then I got good news/bad news:  good news is that the virtual high school hired me to teach photography this summer, bad news is that our pay there was cut by 1/3.  Beggars can't be choosers- so I'll take it- but the kicker is that we don't get payed until after the courses are over in August, and then by student completion count. What that translates to is that I work all summer but only get paid when it is over, and  only if Buffy doesn't space out and not finish the class....

Bright side.  Looking on the bright side for all of this though, is that I will have more breathing room than taking on all these classes at once, and that is already making me feel less stressed.  I've neglected the house, my self, poor max (who has horrible allergies to something and looks like a naked mole rat) and everything else- so maybe this way I'll have time to recenter and focus on these things which are important.  Probably will not do much traveling after all this summer- no money and at the moment, no energy- but will try to find a way to get to Mother's- that is of top importance. It would be nice to have other adventures, see Melissa's new house, go to the games, but for now- I'm going to keep expectations low and life simple.  Let's get through this week (prom) and see how we do~  if nothing else, we still have some left over juice packs to sustain us.

Springfest or Zombie Apocalypse?

Santa Murete, from my sketchbook

Saturday is going to be either Springfest or the rapture/zombie apocalypse (depending on who you talk to).  I'm not so very worried~ I have a to-do list longer than my arm for the next few days (everything from directing the band, to latin dance practice, to painting various things in hopes of selling them, to senior project night...and, yeah, classes have started at ECU as well so I'm keeping up with the discussion boards.  And due to various maladventures at the same time, we are totally broke.  Like 'no gas money' broke~ but the manz is working today and tomorrow, and will have money for change for springfest, where hopefully everyone will have a sudden wild craving for overpriced tiki owls) ...anyhoo, all part of the job and I know I will magically get everything done, it will all be sparkly and lovely, and then the end of the world will happen and I will be sitting, alone and unraptured, at my booth at springfest with tiki owls for all eternity.  That's ok.  What my plan is, barring the zombie apocalypse scene, is to happily help myself to an unlimited supply of funnel cakes and strawberry lemonade, then go live in one of the nice old houses (after finding a car-with-gas to see if Max and Bear are still around...but all dogs go to heaven, so it will just be me and the cat.  I'm assuming Charles will go, because I think the best of everyone, but it would suit me fine if he stuck around as well).   And I'd go to wal-mart to do the great public service of eating all of the icecream before it melts.

If there is a zombie apocalypse, I'll head to the city where the boy lives- way to many family graveyards in the country- and then onto someplace graveyard-free, like bird island.  I could so do that... wait out eternity on bird island. I'm not to worried about zombies though- I read the handbook long ago, and hey, I've taught a high school 7am class....they are slow moving and easy to fool.

Seriously, I'm not worried.... either way- ZA or rapture, my student loans would be null and void, which would be awesome.  And if nothing happens, well, I'll still have the tiki owls!

Claude Monet Was a Hipster

There is a girl in one of my classes that is a hipster.  For those not in the know, hipsters wear skinny jeans, TOM's shoes (they are politically and environmentally correct, and even have designs by Dan Eldon.  She has no idea of who Dan Eldon is, but still wears the shoes), cardigan sweatery-things.  They have ethnic jewelry, hobo bags, know obscure bands- tend to be smart, have good manners in a beatnik kind of way  (like they are being nice to you, not because manners are nice, but because it is nice to be nice to people less smart and sophisticated as they are).  This girl is friendly and popular, was a homecoming queen nominee with enough gusto to ride a tricycle in the parade instead of a car, sneaks out of school constantly on Chinese food runs, makes excellent collages and is smart~  if I were to turn back time, she is who I would want to be like. Except I know who Dan Eldon is.

However, hipster I am not, even tho I have the hips and an abundance of vintage sweaters.  In skinny jeans...well, lets not go there.  Skinny and Me are oxymorons.  For example, take Claude Monet above.  A French painter who is highly thought of, by others and himself, Claude is right on the hipster fashion front line. He has the skinny pants, the TOMs type shapelessly stylish shoes, the odd hat, the creamy sweater with a vintage jacket.  (which may not of been actually 'vintage' but just 'old'.  Did people 100 + years ago use the word 'vintage' for anything but wine?).   And the cane- so there is a bit of the urban pimpin style mixed in, which serves to make him edgy in an ironic way.  

So...anyhoo, prom this year is yet another resurrection of the 'Paris' theme.  Once again the prom committee is struggling to build an Eiffel tower out of  a cardboard kit- over 100 pieces held together with hot glue to make a tower 17 feet tall.  Which will probably be thrown away (again) because who can store a 17 foot tall Eiffel tower?  I'm not doing that....I'm making the backdrops- a painting of a cafe', the Parisian skyline at night and something Monet-ish for a photo backdrop.  (Just had a thought that I might have to use pastels because of lighting and glare on paint...ew....).  So of course, instead of actually planning these, I found a photo of Monet and instantly recognized him as the hipster archetype, and collected him up in my sketchbook.  And now I am sharing him with you- so when people ask 'why do people wear skinny jeans' you can blame it on self-centric French impressionists, and at least *sound* like a hipster.

Mid-May Nesting

Nesting

Out side the studio window- right beside my chair- a pair of cardinals built their nest. The manz noticed them first, and together we have watched them come and go caring for the eggs, then the hatchlings, now the young birds.  The babies have grown to the point where their eyes are open and they have feather-fuzz, happily demand constant feeding, scramble about to the point that I worry about them tumbling out of the nest.  But they seem safe and well, and we watch them from the window and prevent Turriello from being a window-stalker.  They don't seem to care about beardoggy at all as she frequently visits the bush they are nesting in (it is a favorite pooping-place)... maybe the bear-poo scares off all evil.

I am wanting to nest, but it is balanced with wanting to rest.  I think of all the cleaning that needs done, and how I want this and that fixed in a certain way- like hauling all the crap on the porch to the dump, taking up the carpet in boys old room, painting and redoing and playing in the yarden-jungle.  How I need to go through all the files on the computer and organize, delete, update.  Clean out the studio at school, scrub sinks, paint tables.  Throw away old clothes and broken shoes, shave 40 lbs off my body, scrub my mind clean of unnecessary worries.  (the manz says I worry to much about all the wrong things~ ).  I envy Melissa her new house, fresh start, cleaning and painting and arranging with a fresh slate.  Sometimes- sometimes, awful though it would be, I wish for a tornado to blow all of this away (except the manz and critters) so I could just start over.... but then I would miss some things.  We were talking about what we would save if a known disaster was headed our way (like the floods in Mississippi).  Besides us and the critters, my choice would be: the painting of Uncle Jack, the drawing by Granny, all of my sketchbooks, Lassie-dog, the copperplates, some of the family  photos (if I could find them.  Because I collect old photos/documents, I have them stored in trunks, and am not sure what is where).  Dad. The external hardrive for the computer (full of photos, papers I've written, all of our informations).  Evee (the little computer).  Everything else can go- be washed away.  Save the living, the art, the memories.  

All will be well, always