Note: I had the following post on the blog yesterday, then decided it was to personal and took it down. This morning I re-read it, and realized that while it is personal, it is true-speak and needs to be up, better or worse.
If you don't want to read it, don't- and things are resolving themselves, which I will speak of in a bit.
I know that the only thing you have power to change in this world- really- is yourself. And I need to be the agent of change. And the blog may not be the right place for this, but it is how I communicate best with my self and others, and I need to write in order to think things out, and I need to share in order to not hold things in so much that I am going to explode. I can't handle phone calls and talking because I can't say what I mean, what I feel, and it all gets shrouded in 'everything is fine'. And I know that it is my problem to handle, and no one can do it for me, but something has to change because I am in trouble in my heart.
I am having a hard time right now, because I am not happy. I do love Mr. Owens dearly, but at the same time, I am not happy and I don't know if it is worth working out, if he is willing to work at it so that we can both change and meet some sort of compromise, or if it is a conditional thing or if we need to be done. And it is hard to say, hard to think about, heartbreaking- but truth of the matter is that I have an independent soul and I want to do things, be things, go places- I miss the freedom that I used to have, my center and balance and peace. Because I get angry, and I stuff it all down, and then it just burns away at my core. And I know that I was lonely before, that I looked for love thinking one thing, discovering it was another. I know he loves me- but- again I feel a hollowness. I don't know if he is depressed, or unhappy, or what exactly is going on but we are having a hard time communicating, a hard time being able to say what we mean, what we need, what we want. I try to talk and he seems to think that nothing is wrong, that nothing needs talked about, and in the meantime, I cannot breathe.
Perhaps it is me, I sometimes think, because not everything is a one-way street. I work to hard, and I am constantly stressed because the burden of responsibility for everything falls on me- not just financial responsibility, but the handling of emergencies, the making sure resources meet needs, the picking things up when things fall apart. And things are falling apart. The house is tumbling down, it needs repair badly, the yarden is horrible and nothing is done...and I get angry, and ashamed, and I am caught in the snare between "I'm going to do it" and doing it myself- and I wonder if I am just chicken and need to just man up and do it myself (which is probably going to happen)....or what. Or if we are going to get better and it will go back to the way it once was. All I know is that I am falling back into old habits (getting up at 3am for solitude and work), suppressing myself, distancing myself from everyone and everything, restricting myself to a life of rules- bottling up my will and my soul. He doesn't see it that way- because he never says I cannot do something or go somewhere- but still and all the same, the vibe is there. I've always been good at vibes. And to be fair, I do know that his life has changed considerably and that he is struggling with the pain, and not being able to work, and fear/denial about the skin cancer (more biopsies next week), and those can cause inertia. I feel selfish for wanting so much~ and I've never been good at relationships (obviously). I said for many years that I was to selfish to get married again, and I should of listened to myself.
He would hit the roof if he knew I was writing this- he hates making private things public- but I need to get it out. He doesn't read the blog much anymore, so I don't know if he will see it or not- and while I've spoken of this to him, he doesn't seem to think it is a big deal....and because I love him, and I'm weak, I fall right back into being passive, and the good wife- I so want to be a good wife- but it doesn't seem to happen that way - what am I doing wrong? I have been working on myself- physically and mentally- and have gotten other aspects of my life back within some sort of boundaries, And I am not miserable all the time- it is hard to explain. I get excited, and happy, and positive, but then I get frustrated and tired. I work on boundaries but still am unable to refuse requests. I seek approval through working~ because that is what I know. He does care for me, and is still very loving and fun but I hate having to be the responsible one all the time. I've lived this story before- in different ways, different places- but the roots stay the same.
SO, because I cannot change others I can only change myself- what am I going to do? Write it out. Try to get him to talk to me today, to agree to counseling or therapy or something. Be brave and put this out on the blog (trust me, I've been thinking 'oh, I'll just save it as a draft', 'no one needs to know this', 'it will just upset people' 'I'm embarrassed that I feel this way, and that I'm just a quitter who once again didn't try to make things work')....but I don't need to be in denial either. I don't need to go through life pretending everything is ok when it is not, and in reality I know that I'm not the only person in the world with these issues- it just seems that everyone around me has been so happily married for so long (yes, I know you have bumps in the road) but how in the world do you all do it? How do you figure things out about responsibility and freedom, trust and balance and getting things done? I've always hated to tell people what to do (and like wise be told what to do)- I want *him* to make the decision that things need to change as well.
I just don't know what is going to happen, or where this is going to take us. I don't know if this is the start of the end of our story or just a bump in the road. I do know that I need to change because I don't want to be like this- and I need to find my way somehow- and the only way to do that is to start walking.
Thank-you for listening, and please don't judge him from my words- he is a good man and has been a faithful loving husband- and I am calmer now. and embarrassed. and may not publish this after all, because it is private- but again, I have to put it out somewhere- it makes me sad, and angry, and- well, I just don't know what I am going to do, but I need to do something.
I am having a hard time right now, because I am not happy. I do love Mr. Owens dearly, but at the same time, I am not happy and I don't know if it is worth working out, if he is willing to work at it so that we can both change and meet some sort of compromise, or if it is a conditional thing or if we need to be done. And it is hard to say, hard to think about, heartbreaking- but truth of the matter is that I have an independent soul and I want to do things, be things, go places- I miss the freedom that I used to have, my center and balance and peace. Because I get angry, and I stuff it all down, and then it just burns away at my core. And I know that I was lonely before, that I looked for love thinking one thing, discovering it was another. I know he loves me- but- again I feel a hollowness. I don't know if he is depressed, or unhappy, or what exactly is going on but we are having a hard time communicating, a hard time being able to say what we mean, what we need, what we want. I try to talk and he seems to think that nothing is wrong, that nothing needs talked about, and in the meantime, I cannot breathe.
Perhaps it is me, I sometimes think, because not everything is a one-way street. I work to hard, and I am constantly stressed because the burden of responsibility for everything falls on me- not just financial responsibility, but the handling of emergencies, the making sure resources meet needs, the picking things up when things fall apart. And things are falling apart. The house is tumbling down, it needs repair badly, the yarden is horrible and nothing is done...and I get angry, and ashamed, and I am caught in the snare between "I'm going to do it" and doing it myself- and I wonder if I am just chicken and need to just man up and do it myself (which is probably going to happen)....or what. Or if we are going to get better and it will go back to the way it once was. All I know is that I am falling back into old habits (getting up at 3am for solitude and work), suppressing myself, distancing myself from everyone and everything, restricting myself to a life of rules- bottling up my will and my soul. He doesn't see it that way- because he never says I cannot do something or go somewhere- but still and all the same, the vibe is there. I've always been good at vibes. And to be fair, I do know that his life has changed considerably and that he is struggling with the pain, and not being able to work, and fear/denial about the skin cancer (more biopsies next week), and those can cause inertia. I feel selfish for wanting so much~ and I've never been good at relationships (obviously). I said for many years that I was to selfish to get married again, and I should of listened to myself.
He would hit the roof if he knew I was writing this- he hates making private things public- but I need to get it out. He doesn't read the blog much anymore, so I don't know if he will see it or not- and while I've spoken of this to him, he doesn't seem to think it is a big deal....and because I love him, and I'm weak, I fall right back into being passive, and the good wife- I so want to be a good wife- but it doesn't seem to happen that way - what am I doing wrong? I have been working on myself- physically and mentally- and have gotten other aspects of my life back within some sort of boundaries, And I am not miserable all the time- it is hard to explain. I get excited, and happy, and positive, but then I get frustrated and tired. I work on boundaries but still am unable to refuse requests. I seek approval through working~ because that is what I know. He does care for me, and is still very loving and fun but I hate having to be the responsible one all the time. I've lived this story before- in different ways, different places- but the roots stay the same.
SO, because I cannot change others I can only change myself- what am I going to do? Write it out. Try to get him to talk to me today, to agree to counseling or therapy or something. Be brave and put this out on the blog (trust me, I've been thinking 'oh, I'll just save it as a draft', 'no one needs to know this', 'it will just upset people' 'I'm embarrassed that I feel this way, and that I'm just a quitter who once again didn't try to make things work')....but I don't need to be in denial either. I don't need to go through life pretending everything is ok when it is not, and in reality I know that I'm not the only person in the world with these issues- it just seems that everyone around me has been so happily married for so long (yes, I know you have bumps in the road) but how in the world do you all do it? How do you figure things out about responsibility and freedom, trust and balance and getting things done? I've always hated to tell people what to do (and like wise be told what to do)- I want *him* to make the decision that things need to change as well.
I just don't know what is going to happen, or where this is going to take us. I don't know if this is the start of the end of our story or just a bump in the road. I do know that I need to change because I don't want to be like this- and I need to find my way somehow- and the only way to do that is to start walking.
Thank-you for listening, and please don't judge him from my words- he is a good man and has been a faithful loving husband- and I am calmer now. and embarrassed. and may not publish this after all, because it is private- but again, I have to put it out somewhere- it makes me sad, and angry, and- well, I just don't know what I am going to do, but I need to do something.
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