Worlds

"Every Spirit builds itself a house; and beyond its house, a world; and beyond its world a heaven.  Know then that the world exists for you: build, therefore, your own world."-  Ralph Waldo Emmerson.

I found this quote on facebook this morning, posted by an old friend Susan Sims, who I have not seen in forever but who keeps close on facebook.  (I love facebook by the way- it is the perfect social device for us introverts who like to read- and occasionally type).  Anyway, Susan is a lovely spiritual woman who used to sing with Barbara and Jim back at COS long ago.  This quote caught me unawares- it is new to me- and is feeding my hope/thoughts for this morning.

You see, yesterday was one big disaster~ the husband and I rarely fuss, but when we do we do it up righteously (and that is ok and healthy- if we didn't fuss, there would be things-beyond-fixing).  It was mainly one of my major meltdowns over a combination of work/time/space/money/freedom and our rather dismal budget  (don't even ask how much is left out of my paycheck each month- if we don't *eat* or buy gas...). Money winds me up like nothing else, and I was hitting the budget wall of 'I work all the time, we don't live extravagantly at all, I pay my bills, don't have any credit cards, we have some serious needs (house repairs, lawnmower, boots-) *and* I am at the top of my career as a professional with multiple degrees that have me in so much dept that....well....let's just say that someday I will be one of the over-educated homeless people selling art on streetcorners....and *still* a 'normal' life is out of reach.'   argh.  Mainly frustrated that no matter how hard I try, however good or slack a job I do, my paycheck remains at the mercy of the state. I was really, really, REALLY wound up.... and just melted down into an inferno of redheaded emotion.  Things calmed down and became more copacetic (a 4 hour nap helped) and then we had auction time, in which I worked on student contacts for NCVPS on my phone (I have finally learned how to use texting correctly), drew about 6 pages in the sketchbook, and read 1 1/2 chapters of homework.  Which was slightly annoying because it is a graduate school text that cost over $100, is paperback and about the size of two thick magazines stacked on top of each other, and is full of huge illustrations, ender pages with only a few sentences on them, and lack of....well, lets just say a book published in 2010 for graduate level students in technology should not have to explain that "email is an electronic means of delivering information between one or more people".  Seriously?  (uhoh...I am detecting some rage simmering up to the surface again).

Whew.  Need to step back and refocus, because I didn't want this to turn into another bonfire.  (which came from the word 'bonefire' by the way- which was the practice of burning the bones of meat-animals in order to dispose of excess bones and, as a side result, generate a deep black soot that is the pigment for the best black inks and paints.  Ivory black is the top of that line- because not just any old bone, but ivory itself was burnt. But I digress.)

Now, back to spirits and houses and worlds and heavens~ wisdom and red glass insulators in the kitchen window.  The insulators came from the auction last night, we collect them in a casual way- clear, aqua, pale green, blue.  I had never seen red ones, but here they were- crafted into candlesticks, which is a good thing/ bad thing.  Good because it trashed their value as collectibles so I acquired them (and something else, which will be another post) for $5.00, bad because I would of preferred them unstuck.  But they are beautiful in the window-  and the justification for raging about the budget then spending $5.00 for pleasure is that....well, I have no real justification for it.  They are beautiful, they feed my spirit, and.... this is what happens.  When I spend money that is out-of-the-budget, it is usually on the curious, the beautiful or something for art...and I do it rarely.  The only other thing we bought last night was some metal for scrap- it's tinker season- so that will turn a bit of a profit.  We spent 15.00 total, and Charles is working the smalls now, so all will be well.

And again, my brain has wandered off my original idea of writing and into the details of the moment.  And rationalization.  Anyway, during our fuss, the manz kept saying that 'all will be well' and I was very uncharacteristically negative, which eventually he got fed up with.  (sometimes realistic is negative, but is there a value in that? not so much).  What this quote this morning reminded me of is that our spirit does create our own reality, our own world- and our heaven or hell.  If my spirit is spinning a world of negativity, anger, and frustration- then I am more likely to keep acting/responding that way, which impacts everything around me, which  ripples out until I have created a bit of hell for everyone in my path.  But if my spirit can be teased into positive thought and action, if I can visualize the light in the window, perhaps I will have the wisdom to realize that things are what I make it- and I *can* choose creative grace.  Just as I can create a bit of hell on earth, I have the power to create a bit of my type of heaven~ and that to has a ripple effect.

At school this past week I have spent allot of time with my space- my classroom/office/storage/closet - and while it is normal to clean between semesters, it puzzled people (students, other teachers, our wonderful custodian) why I was doing so much.  I was even asked if I was leaving or changing rooms.  No, what I was doing- and I do it twice a year, every year, but people forget that- was re-enchanting the room.  Turning the negative mojo that built up in December/early January before testing, to the positive.  Creating order, establishing territory, changing just enough things to make it familiar but still new.  This is important- it reconnects me to the space, it helps the kids who are finished with art for the year separate and move on, and it really does re-enchant it.  It is a use of spirit to build a world that is shared with others, a world where hopefully I can create my own blue heaven.