The great 48

Today is my birthday, my start of the new year.  I am full of resolve and resolutions, reflections and distractions- I want to do so many things.  I want to write everyone a letter, telling them my truths- how much they are appreciated and loved, how sorry I am for being disconnected, how they are part of my life even if it is not realized. I want to write a letter to myself, about the same things, about defining who I am and who I have been and who I may yet be.  

Today, today I am forty-eight years old.  I am married, I have one child who is grown, I live in a tumbledown cottage in an overgrown yarden with two doggs and a cat.  I eat too much, work too much, yet feel guilty for not working enough- because I get distracted with knowledge and end up side tracked into all sorts of things.  I love stories, food, sleeping- because my sleep is full of dreams.  My dreams are like other realities- you are all there, off and on, and there is adventures, and places, making things, thinking things, conversations, food and drink and music and lovely smells.  It is strange, because I love you all- family, friends, students- so much that you are part of my unconscious, and I forget that I need to connect consciously as well.  And sometimes it is difficult to connect, to find the words to say in person, in conversation, because it is so easy to just talk about the trivial or not talk at all- I have difficulty in communicating sometimes, it is hard to be 'normal' in groups, join conversations...one on one I am fine, but give me a group and I shut up.  Unless I am speaking in an 'official' role- as a teacher or student- then I am fine holding the floor.  I have no fear of public speaking in front of a crowd- but put me in the crowd and I vanish into the wall paper. Odd. 

Sometimes writing is hard to- but I love it.  I like to type much better than write by hand, and I love the format of the internet- the quick updates on facebook, which are like fleeting emotions and glimpses into everyones lives.  I like the emails- the letters that let me know what is going on.  I love (and am currently obsessed) by the new toy Pintrest- because I can collect images, organize and sort them, *show* others how I think- I'm visual and this is so so so fun.....I worry about over posting, pinning to many things, and then I think- why not?  If they don't want to see it, just unfollow me.... choices, choices. I wish Mother could use the internet- she would love making design boards...it's almost like a portable sketchbook for information- 

So back to the blog.  And I know that I am rambling a bit and not making much sense this morning, but I have to allow myself to say, 'that's ok'. Write for yourself first- selfish as that may sound- and if others want to read it, so be it.  I want to return to the blog, to sharing my thoughts and what goes on~ if I write in a narrative, it is easier to communicate than other wise... but yet, today the words are coming on all blocky and strange. I just want you to know that all is well, and that I am working my way back home.  (metaphorically- in truth, I haven't gone anywhere....but my mind has been 'elsewhere'.)

love you all.

The Edge of the Earth

Hello everyone~ long time without a visit, a chat, a shared cup of tea. Or coffee.  I owe everyone (and I mean *everyone*) an apology for falling off the edge of the earth for awhile.  I tend to do this sometimes- I haven't for quite a while, but I did this year- especially this fall.  I'm working my way back, and this- this bit of writing today- is part of that start.  No excuses, just explanations.  That's all I've got.

Hum.  This isn't as easy to write about as it seems when I am in the car, thinking and driving- I wish I could put all of my mind onto the page then.  Now it just feels trite, vainglorious and confused- but none the less, once started I continue on.  And that, my friends, is the problem.

For a long time I was independent and blessed with success resulting from working hard and focusing.  It wasn't easy exactly, but it wasn't hard.  This year has been hard.  I don't know if I have tried to do to much (probably), am still adjusting to being renested (empty nest then marriage), or just having that proverbial midlife crisis topped off with pope-killing karma from a past life.  All I know is I started stressing in summer, and by the time the end of September rolled around I was a mess.  A total mess- a combination of very depressed, self-treating that through a combination of overworking and avoidance of everyone (because I was overworking, I never am finished with the work, and it is always halfass....so I avoid people so I don't disappoint them, be it friends, or family, or students, or coworkers, or school or whatever- and I *know* most of these people could care less about the amount accomplished on my to-do list- but I *care*...and was dysfunctionally caring excessively.... it's a trap.  And I avoided everyone- I haven't even seen Grendel in months~).  Anyway, I was such a mess that I couldn't finish anything, was breaking my day down into 15 minute increments (seriously. with a timer.  the buzzing and bells drove Charles and everyone else nuts), waking up at ungodly hours (2am, 3am) then burning out and sleeping for excessive amounts of time. (12 hours.  15 hours. full days).  I don't know how (or why) anyone put up with me- I was excessive.  On the surface- fine- for the most part- but inside, not so much.  Not so much at all.

Long story short, I refound my old Dr. Lori (oddly enough she moved offices into our old vet's office... which is kinda weird because the exam rooms are the same that they were for the doggs).  She realized that I was not doing well and sent me to see Dr. Mike, a therapist friend of hers.....I was slogging through a combination of depression and stress-induced adult ADD.  (that is attention deficit disorder, not advanced dungeons and dragons).  Now I have medication to help with the focusing, therapy to help with discovering *why* I use work as a drug (besides the fact that I seriously do like to work- that is the denial speaking- I am discovering that I like to play as well), and I'm tackling getting back on track.  I still have allot to do- work wise, therapy wise, school wise....but I'll get to the places I need to go.  I always keep going (the kill and the cure of it).

Otherwise, this fall the manz has not been well at all- his back is given out, and after a round of MRI's we are off to the back institute this week to see what can be done about it.  At this point, it is looking like injections, nerve termination and pain management is the all of it.  The days of furniture lifting is over- so, except for the auction (and being the spokes model for light things) no more of the heavy stuff.   This is a hard transition for us- both financially and 'what do I do now?' wise for him.  We are a good team though, and will figure something out.

I do love my husband, and we are coming up on two years. And I know that he loves me- but it isn't always easy.  Sometimes I don't know why/how we put up with each other, sometimes we feel like just abandoning the house (which is happily falling apart), sometimes I get tired.  I am sorry for neglecting all of you~ trust me, I never forget you, I love you~ and you all live nightly in my dreams.  I will try to do better at connecting, please be patient with me, it takes awhile.  That's all I can ask.  But I am right here and I'm ok~ and all will be well.

Happy news though, Max *finally* has fur on his butt.  It grew back curly, so he is getting his wish of turning into a poodle!