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Hum. This isn't as easy to write about as it seems when I am in the car, thinking and driving- I wish I could put all of my mind onto the page then. Now it just feels trite, vainglorious and confused- but none the less, once started I continue on. And that, my friends, is the problem.
For a long time I was independent and blessed with success resulting from working hard and focusing. It wasn't easy exactly, but it wasn't hard. This year has been hard. I don't know if I have tried to do to much (probably), am still adjusting to being renested (empty nest then marriage), or just having that proverbial midlife crisis topped off with pope-killing karma from a past life. All I know is I started stressing in summer, and by the time the end of September rolled around I was a mess. A total mess- a combination of very depressed, self-treating that through a combination of overworking and avoidance of everyone (because I was overworking, I never am finished with the work, and it is always halfass....so I avoid people so I don't disappoint them, be it friends, or family, or students, or coworkers, or school or whatever- and I *know* most of these people could care less about the amount accomplished on my to-do list- but I *care*...and was dysfunctionally caring excessively.... it's a trap. And I avoided everyone- I haven't even seen Grendel in months~). Anyway, I was such a mess that I couldn't finish anything, was breaking my day down into 15 minute increments (seriously. with a timer. the buzzing and bells drove Charles and everyone else nuts), waking up at ungodly hours (2am, 3am) then burning out and sleeping for excessive amounts of time. (12 hours. 15 hours. full days). I don't know how (or why) anyone put up with me- I was excessive. On the surface- fine- for the most part- but inside, not so much. Not so much at all.
Long story short, I refound my old Dr. Lori (oddly enough she moved offices into our old vet's office... which is kinda weird because the exam rooms are the same that they were for the doggs). She realized that I was not doing well and sent me to see Dr. Mike, a therapist friend of hers.....I was slogging through a combination of depression and stress-induced adult ADD. (that is attention deficit disorder, not advanced dungeons and dragons). Now I have medication to help with the focusing, therapy to help with discovering *why* I use work as a drug (besides the fact that I seriously do like to work- that is the denial speaking- I am discovering that I like to play as well), and I'm tackling getting back on track. I still have allot to do- work wise, therapy wise, school wise....but I'll get to the places I need to go. I always keep going (the kill and the cure of it).
Otherwise, this fall the manz has not been well at all- his back is given out, and after a round of MRI's we are off to the back institute this week to see what can be done about it. At this point, it is looking like injections, nerve termination and pain management is the all of it. The days of furniture lifting is over- so, except for the auction (and being the spokes model for light things) no more of the heavy stuff. This is a hard transition for us- both financially and 'what do I do now?' wise for him. We are a good team though, and will figure something out.
I do love my husband, and we are coming up on two years. And I know that he loves me- but it isn't always easy. Sometimes I don't know why/how we put up with each other, sometimes we feel like just abandoning the house (which is happily falling apart), sometimes I get tired. I am sorry for neglecting all of you~ trust me, I never forget you, I love you~ and you all live nightly in my dreams. I will try to do better at connecting, please be patient with me, it takes awhile. That's all I can ask. But I am right here and I'm ok~ and all will be well.
Happy news though, Max *finally* has fur on his butt. It grew back curly, so he is getting his wish of turning into a poodle!
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