The Manz Understands~

And he brought me glads from the yarden when I had this mornings meltdown- and he understood when the original meltdown evolved into "I don't want to work all summer this is stressing me out and I want to quit Lumina and I feel like a failure and what about the money and ....."on and on and on.
He reassured me that I am not a failure, that I don't have to work all summer (in fact, he reminded me that he wanted me to take the summer off in the first place- an opinion seconded by Mother), that the money is not that important (we always make do) and to just calm down. So after much leaking about the eyes and a glass of orange juice, I am... he is off now with his Dad to collect a heap o' cabbages for give away, and I am thinking about this decision.

I stumbled across the Lumina post by accident on craigslist, and I viewed it as a good opportunity to begin teaching online- which it is. And the money isn't bad, and in theory it was doable. But I've found myself avoiding the work, sleeping to much and having constant stress dreams about school. I worry about burning myself out, keeping the deadline pressure going, not taking care of our home, our family, myself (selfish as that may sound- but I need to get better). I don't want to disappoint anyone, and I hate feeling like a failure- it's rare that I take on something that I don't finish and I don't like that one bit. I hate feeling out of control, and right now I do- spinning in place and I am tired of doing that. The engine needs turned off.

It's summer, and right or wrong I want to clean my house, make art, read, go to Texas, see mother, play with my doggs, nap without guilt, cuddle with the cat, get healthy, go to the beach, take photographs, spend time with my boy, my family, my friends and most of all be relaxed and happy and 'in the moment' with my beloved husband. I don't want to be worrying so much about what I should be doing that I neglect what I am doing. Does this make sense? I know the 'straight and narrow' thing to do would be to follow through with the job. That is hard work, little risk, just discipline and focus. But something tells me that the responsible thing to do is to step back, make my apologies, bow out and just focus on the 'now'. Work will always be there, and money- no one ever has enough. Family isn't always there though, and summer is slipping by. I'm choosing now.