Ok, I've been absent for a month. Absent from posting, absent from emailing (other than the briefest 'hey, yeah, i'm alive' notes, absent from most phone calls. I'm sorry- (I keep saying that~ somehow) what the truth is:
1. I'm a work-addict. Seriously. I don't know how to say no, I get totally bent out of shape if it is suggested that I am doing a less-than-perfect-job (98?!? What do you mean 98????....not that I actually made a 98, but it's an example...) I wake up at 'dead time' (3:22 am- when other people see ghosts) but I'm awake and thinking about work, which means either a) mentally planning lessons for school b) working on a problem for class or c) obsessing about cleaning off the porch (which nobody cares if it is clean or not- I've been watching to many episodes of hoarders) and, for variety, d) feeling guilty because I have been absent from connecting with friends/family/doggs/boy for most of a month. Not the man tho- he is right here (hopefully not to his dismay!) and keeps me grounded by making me do fun things (like watch movies and eat pizza, go to walmart and take naps)...and the cat who is always around. Anyway, I *do* things, but my mind never stops, and I am always rushing this to get to that instead of focusing all my power on just the 'now' of it. (and I wonder- if I pull 100's while not focused, what could I do if I was focused? It makes me feel fake to not put all of my energy into stuff...like I'm just 'getting by', but it's like racing)
Anyway, if I don't work I get anxious and unhappy, and create a spiral of negative energy like worrying about things that can't change (money. student loans. health care- good God, everything is so expensive and I hate to have to choose. Dentist always loses. and that is something else to obsess about). I like to work- I really really love it- the work, the thinking, the positive reinforcement (call me shallow but I need LOTS of pats-on-the-head) it feeds my brain and helps me feel like I'm making a difference (grace in action), which is important to me. (not difference in the big-picture mother Theresa way, but a difference in the 'at least I'm trying to be responsible' way). And basically, I'm happy- as long as I'm doing well and getting the pats.
But it's not healthy. And I miss all of you- my dreams are constantly about Mother and Daddy, Sue, Barbie, Mel- all together or apart. Nothing dramatic, just doing things like eating out, shopping, decorating (well, in one dream Sue did get a live moose for the back yard....that was kinda odd) but it shows me how much I miss you all- the subconscious is making up for that lack of connection by dreaming it. But I miss you.
Grendel is different- I don't dream about him much (tho I miss him lots!) but that is because of having a Grendel-clone in class. I *know* this kid isn't grendel, but he looks *exactly* like grendel (hair just a bit lighter-) acts *just* like grendel, even knows all the weird odd stuff that grendel does (for example, not just having watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but being able to quote from it and understand the nerd-jokes). Weird.
2. The other side of my addiction is FOOD. I eat when I'm stressed, bored, working (cool thing I didn't know that I learned in class- eating when working/studying is part of my learning style. It doesn't excuse it, but it sure helps explain it) I eat when I'm trying to relax, as a reward, as a soother if I'm criticized (I HATE criticism. I do enough of that to myself, thank-you)...for all the wrong reasons. I was doing great there for awhile- but not so much right now. Which I fuss at myself for being weak... I am trying to be more cognitive of the behavior, so I can at least attempt to put on the brakes and understand what the triggers are. It's not just a matter of willpower, but it is... I don't know. I want to change but it's like the mind takes a vacation and the desire takes over. Which is a classical description of addiction. (I've been doing that homework too-)
So, on to the Re-solutions. I like to think of resolutions as re-solutions.... new ways to address old problems. Right now I'm going to pull out my nifty new skill of Needs Analysis (learned in class) and apply it: (if you read so far, thankyou...I know this is just an introspective rant, but it is helping to write it all out! seriously.)
Wants vs. Needs: I want to be perfect: the smartest, funniest, most beautiful, most creative, pretty house, family-oriented, friendly, loving, professional person ever! Ok, reality:
I need to be: connected to people who matter (husband. family. friends. pets) and myself.
Problem: have been denying myself contact
Possible solution: making time for contact on a weekly basis, and sticking to it.
Obstacle: working- I get 'in the zone' and distance myself from everything else
Fear: of not being enough for everyone, jealousy, conflicts. Difficulty with phone
Strengths: I work well with schedules. It's not very spontaneous, but it helps~ and I can use internet/ social media very well when I want to.
Plan: Make time daily for blogging: reconnects me to everyone + me.
Make time weekly for direct contact: phone calls or emails
Make time for visits- and make room (rose room) so people can visit us. (see home)
I need to be: balanced when it comes to work.
Problem: Over ambitious- trying to work multiple jobs and be perfect at each one.
Possible solution: scaling back- not trying to do everything perfectly. (OK- even that *thought* makes me nervous. That solution is scary)
Obstacle: No good fairy is going to come along and do it for me/ I believe in better living through extreme personal responsibility- don't complain about it, fix it.
Fear: that working is the only thing I do well, and that everything will fall apart if I cease to work hard all the time.
Strengths: I work fast and well, I like challenges (if I know I'm going to win- does that count?) and again, I like schedules.
Plan: it's scary but I *do* have to scale back. Ask for help. Learn to say no. But I don't know where to scale back at? It's renewal year at work, I looooove going to school, and morninglory is important... I worry about hurting peoples feelings if I don't make art for them (and the money is nice)
Compartmentalize- create a routine and STOP when the routine is completed for the day. I don't have to work all day, every day.
*This is probably going to be the hardest thing for me- *
I need to be: healthy and balanced, lose weight.
Problem: I use food inappropriately to address other needs.
Possible Solution: therapy (to expensive, see 'health care' lack of government system and 'insurance doesn't cover this'), detoxing (cold turkey- no sugar or carbs), finding another addiction (just kidding. I have never been a druggie or a smoker, and booze has calories... not much else left..) Will have to work on this.
Obstacle: I LOVE to eat. It makes me happy. The husband is a good cook, and I have never met a food I didn't like (except pork skins, chittlins and jello). I use food for everything~ and I dream about it all the time. I hate feeling hungry.
Fear: that I'm unattractive, weak, unable to change this.
Strengths: I love food that is good for me- vegetables, fruit, grains, fish...just as much as I love food that is bad for me. I have a 'personal diet coach' who is keeping tabs on me (I'm Keyana's senior project, we weigh in on Wednesdays)....Keyana is important, not just because she is slightly scary, but because it gives me a 'burden of linked responsibility' as incentive.
Plan: again, schedules are my strengths, so I need to make them work for me. I am also good at routine and eating the same thing everyday doesn't bother me.
Work it out in journal form. If I can't afford a real therapist, I do have the skills to work things out on my own....I just need to do it.
THINK about what I do when I do it, instead of just going on impulse.
I need to be: centered in my home.
Problem: our house is a work in progress and hasn't settled into being a cohesive home- I get stressed because vision isn't yet meeting reality.
Possible Solution: work really hard to get it together in all of our spare time.
Obstacle: I am over working as it is, and every second of every day is accounted for. Or reaccounted for to address needs #1, 2, 3.
Fear: that it will never get done, and I'll always be moving things room to room without fixing anything.
Strengths: Charles can help me- he has lots of skills, but he works hard too. I am good at decorating, and am willing to make changes (as long as the walls are somewhat white)
Plan: scheduling. Tackle the main areas, and one project a month. What are the priorities? Bath, library (FKA grendel's room), finish living room, kitchen, our room, yarden.
I know that a little progress goes a long way to making me feel better.
Ok. This seems like lots of work, but hey, that's what I'm good at. (is that progress or not-progress in that statement?)
What matters is that I am calmer now that I have a plan, and I know that at the base some things can slide and some can't. I have identified where the problems are and what needs to be changed, and have the seeds of action in place. It is October, the Season of the Witch, and what is magic but grace in action?
Wish me well!
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