The road

I have decided, or come to realize, that I am a happy person.  I have a husband who loves me, who is funny and wise, who works hard and is a good cook.  I have a son who is smart and good and finding his way, I have a best friend who is magic.  My family loves me, and I love them- and we ebb and flow from a distance, apart but together always.  My house is tumbledown but it is my home, my doggs smelly but splendid, the cat- well, he is perfect. Always.  I have talent and luck, I love my job, I love to learn.  We have enough food to keep us fat and happy, and enough belief to be amazed and thankful at every new day.

You see, I've been going through what I call the 'summer struggle'- it happens every year, and this year I am bound and determined to get it out of my system.  The summer struggle is this (see if it might sound a bit familiar, because I am surely not the only one who experiences this)- I spend all the rest of the year working my ample ass off in order to 'enjoy summer', but when I get there, I get bound up in worry over next years work, dissatisfaction with myself, and a stagnating laziness that is not rest but a repression of creativity that ends in boredom.  Not a very pleasant way to be- especially since I 'work' at resting, end up avoiding doing actual work, which creates worry and stress and just yuck.  Like a dismal brown fog that needs blown away- and I get overly concerned with doing what I am expected to do, instead of what I want to do- selfish as that sounds.

This summer- so far- is going well, starting at a gallop with the trip to Texas which was wonderful and some much needed Mr. Owens and I alone without distractions in the car time, which we spent constantly talking and singing- and exploring things along the way.  I am happy that he has a travelling heart, even though he likes staying put more than I do.  When we got back though, I went into the summer struggle.  Trask meeting, catching up with the virtual school, not finding time to do everything else I wanted (sit on the porch, paint outside, go to the beach), and a dissatisfaction with how I look- nothing like the reality of a camera to bring about the fact that you are looking a bit frumpy, and that tummy slump needs to go.  (A belly I can stand- and have earned- but the slump? ew)....so a bit grouchy, a bit stressy, a bit into the tar-pit of self-pity (ew, I'm faaaat, I have nooooothing to wear, blah blah blah- don't know how he can stand it when I get that way- but he always turns me around).....and I decided to 'take the cure'.  And this morning, I've turned the corner and decided that the 'cure has taken' and that I am happy again~

SO, what I did when we got home- 'the cure'- was this:   I began walking every morning, end of the road and back, no excuses.  Even though it is two million degrees out- in fact, I told Mr. Owens that everyday that I *didn't* walk, I would have to pay him $20.00....and this keeps me motivated and him observant.  I walk in the early morning- sans doggs (to hot for them, and they slow me down with endless sniffing), and I find that I'm liking it, getting used to it.  I chant my silly little mantra 'walking, shower, working, surfing' which sets the agenda for the day.  I look at the trees and the plants mostly, and try to find something every day to take home with me as a reward- a bullet casing, crow feather, heart-shaped rock, hydrangea bloom, rusty nail, butterfly wing, turtle (which I photographed then returned to the woods).  These are my touch stones.  I am rediscovering summer foods, and eating what I like- cherries by the ton, swiss cheese and wasa, cold coffee, salads, corn (microwaved in husk for 2 minutes- just add a bit of sea salt), the wonderful fish he makes me that is baked with peppers, onions, radishes, salsa.  All of the good things- and you know what? I do feel better- body wise and mind wise and self-disciplined, which is a great motivator.

As for work, the rule is just suck it up and do it- get it done, it is not going away and if I do a bit each day I feel accomplished and can relax.  Same goes for the art bits- I tend to wait for the 'great painting' or 'writing a book' when actually I make art everyday, paintings big and small, 55 photographs before breakfast this morning, writing on the blog.  Sketchbook work. I just need to recognize these as valid- that not everything has to be created in the perfect setting and the perfect block of time- but coming as they are when they want is even more magical.

And I know that I will find time to sit on the porch, read a book, go to the beach.  I will go to the mountains and listen to the music, watch fireworks tomorrow with my beloved (unless he is out saving someones day), eventually give in and bathe the dogs.

And- since I *did* get called for an interview for the Raleigh Job- interview is at 1:30 on July 27th- I will buff and polish, shop for an interview suit in blue or black with sensible heels, put on my best attitude and give it a go~  and we shall see what happens.

In the meantime, we create our own worlds, and I am lucky that mine is a happy one.