When is average good enough?

Design from Nowhere Bad T-shirts

I like this shirt- it makes me think.  My first reaction to it was to laugh- I found it amusing from the standpoint of both a teacher and a student.  'C'? Who settles for a C? Not ME!  I must have an 'A'- at least- but more specifically an 'A++smiley face glitter star unicorn' for everything that I do!  Nothing less than perfect is ok... then I started thinking.  Is that really ok?  Or even desirable?  Where am I on the scale and where do I want to be?  What about my students? What does this *mean*?  (Ok, I know I am way over thinking this tshirt design, but sometimes things click in a timely way and serve as a prompt for some tougher questions.... and this is what I want to talk about today, and it is Saturday, and I've had coffee, and I'm once again doing the whole 'structured procrastination' thing).

First off, students.  They understand the 'no effort required' part of this- but in their world, that equals an automatic 'A' if they show up, remember to breathe, and do something. Anything.  I don't know where they quite get this idea from- and the companion idea that 'art is easy'- but that is what they assume from the start.   Even with my endless explanations, rubrics, critiques, teary-eyed meetings...by the end of the semester I am *still* explaining to some of them 'Why don't I have an A?  I was here and did everything!'......sigh.  Yes, yes you were here, yes you did everything, but you did just that- nothing above and beyond, nothing extra.  You achieved average status- which means 'C' in the academic world (at least according to me).  You followed directions, did what was asked, even completed it....but there is no effort, there is no stretch of learning, there is no......above average let alone the *wow* factor that pushed it into the land of A.  You don't get to have what you didn't earn. Period. (Dit-Dot-Dash as Dad used to say).  Truthfully, most of my students finished up with 'B's... they did go a bit beyond the expected, but not to the heights.  

Secondly, me and the economy.  Income wise, I still fall into the 'Lower Middle Class' and make right about the median income for our state.  My education level is disproportionate to my income- I am highly educated, have almost hit the ceiling in my profession (teacher- the only thing I can do now to increase wages as a teacher is to have a phd), have a glittery A-level resume/experience, but still have to work multiple jobs- with a spouse working multiple jobs- to make minimal ends meet in a lower economy area.  This is despite our living a 'below-average' lifestyle- meaning that we are not indiscriminate spenders, we do not use credit cards but do have loans, have reached the age of entrapment where I am paying for my student loans while healthcare costs are rising due to age (no, I'm not old- just middle aged.  And so is Mr. Owens, but middle age means increasingly high maintenance).  We are more fortunate than the Japanese professional that has to live in an internet cafe, or the earthquake survivor in Haiti that is still living in a tent years later.  We have our house (tumbledown though it may be), cars (one of which is working), electricity, running water, internet.  We can balance our vices (things like his cigarettes) with restraint (no eating out- and consuming our share of Ramen).  We don't have things other take for granted (cable, dishwasher, microwave) but we do have health insurance, employment and enough to eek by.  We are in a huge amount of dept if you add up the house, student loans and medical bills... but that is 'normal' apparently.  Our grade in this area is somewhere around D+ to C-  I wish this grade was higher, but I'm not sure how to get there.

Work. I work hard.  It is important to me to be the best- and in the past that has meant being at the top of my game, the leader in everything I do, work it and over work it to perfection.  I have a competitive streak that is not a nice one- it is mean, demanding and kept tightly leashed.  This is why I don't play games (trust me, it is not fun for anyone to play a game with me), don't do contests (I am devastated if I don't win or place- the self anger isn't worth it), and am not the best at collaboration.  That streak has profited me as a resource of energy for completing projects in a rush- quick/well done, like a magic trick- the drive for academic perfection, the ability to create the illusion of leadership when it is really lone rangering. (Meaning that the collective didn't do it, or didn't do it 'right', so I get angry and redo it by myself at the last second).  Work wise? My grade has been an 'A'- but at what cost and what benefit?  And is it ok to want to drop back some, slow down some?  Can I handle that emotionally? To get into the passenger seat when I have been driving the car for so long?

OoooOoo- Insight.  I *always* drive the car. For years. (the real car, not the metaphorical one)  I really truly get super carsick very easily....sometimes even when I am driving.  That is allot like working- metaphor being that driving = in charge, not driving = sick,  sick = out of control.  I have discovered though that I *can* be a passenger (in the real car again, not the metaphoric one) if certain people are driving- namely Mr. Owens or Melissa. Why? Good question, will have to think on that.  Is it because I trust their skill, and trust it rightfully- or that we are used to each other- or that I am comfortable enough to just be able to take a break?  Is that the secret to passing on leadership- find someone else that can drive the car well enough that I don't become a bad passenger/ back-seat driver?  How do I handle this?  

I don't know, and I instantly feel like a slacker for entertaining the thought of anything less than A level achievement in work.  But truth is that I am getting tired of *all* the responsibility, and would like to explore other things- focus more on recreating the classroom/teaching, my personal artwork, just living instead of always thinking 'Oh, I have to get this done, and this and this and this'.  I'm sick of being in charge.  There, I said it.  Maybe it is sour-grapes because I didn't get the Raleigh job I was so excited about, maybe it is karma-in-action, maybe it is self-discovery as I approach my half-life. I'm ready for an adventure that *doesn't* include scaling the peaks.....