Contentment

Rain, and a day for finishing a project (not the one that was due first, of course.  I keep playing these deadline games with myself and I need to quit that- why? attempt to control time/ time travel...curious, stressful) Anyway, finished a project for ECU, took a forever nap again (3 hours this time) and then cleaned around- switching out winter clothes for summer, folding my heaps of tshirts (which are mostly brown, black, grey).  I am not very good at folding clothes- I have all the best of intentions but eventually they end up unsorted and stuffed in the drawer again.  I love the process of establishing order to things, but not the maintenance- and I suppose that is a pattern found all over my life.  Or why I cycle between such a messy nest and compartmentalizing... not just physically, but in thoughts, relationships, the all of it.  Loops of chaos and order, wild growth and cutting way back- I am an all or nothing persona and it is a very, very good thing that the vices I have are manageable and fairly harmless (my vices being food, sleep, binge-learning).  Imagine if they were worse- I'd be in such a dreadful mess.

While I was cleaning out and folding things, Turrello was helping- he has a great passion for laundry, fabric and containers of any sort.  He happily lept up into the drawers of the dresser, found an old tag under the lining and after a bit of play settled down for some rest.  I started taking photos, and to my amazement he began to happily pose- turning his head one way or the other, propping his paw on one side, laying his head on his paw then looking up- he has been studying the models on Ugly Betty.  This is one of my favorite shots, because not only is he highlighted in all his glory, but you can see the dresser and the paper inside of it.

This dresser has been around forever, it belonged to Mother and Daddy once, had a matching bed (which I had as well until it fell apart- literally- the wood split to the point that my duct-tape cinder block fixes would no longer work)... now the dresser is left, still solid, useful, beautiful in its age.  I like my furniture old and lived in (battered)- I am about comfort, style of the past- not new, not shiny, not things without stories/ lives/ spirits of their own.  And this dresser has a spirit- you can see it in the faces in the handles, in the scratches and nicks on the drawers and surface.  Ghosts live in its mirror (which I have turned on it's side- vertical instead of horizontal- the ghosts don't mind).  The drawers are lined with paper- tan and brown and black wallpaper with a pattern of shells. Oddly enough I remember this paper- long ago we were moving from Headacher (I think- or it could of been when Mother and Dad were looking to move from Luzerne, but I didn't have much of a part in that, and I remember at least 'feeling' younger), and one of the houses we looked at before deciding on Luzerne Street was newly built- it either belonged to, or was close by, or worked on by a father of a school semi-friend of mine (Susi Brallier, who I still keep in touch with via facebook).  Renting that house didn't work out, but we did shop for wall paper, and of course the sea-shell type was my pick.  I was shell obsessed always, and even then tended to choose brown.  Mother must of bought a roll of this paper and saved it- using it to line these drawers long ago.  The paper is still good, the drawers all safely lined, and it will no doubt remain there for my life time (unless disaster happens to the dresser- I hope not).  A bit of the past peeking through each day, reminding me of the safety and care that was always put into our home.

I don't line drawers. Or use dustruffles, curtains, lampshades unless they are glass- I dislike carpet, place mats, inside-the-tub mats.... though they are fine and lovely for others.  I am a strange bird about these things- I did use the dustruffles faithfully with the bed that matched the dresser, and when I had the twin beds in the guest room- but with those being gone, the ruffles fit nothing (we have a larger bed and a sofa bed for guests).  Instead of placemats I've always covered my table with fabric or quilts- another way to show off my collection. (and we never eat at the table.... sometimes I do work there, or sort mail, but I do like having a table and the look of the quilts).   Windows in our home are filled with odd things- bottles and hanging objects, panes of stained glass- or are free and open to the light.  Living room windows are hung with lace (simple lace tablecloths from Wal-mart, make lovely shadows).  Our bedroom and the guest room have woven white coverlets over the windows- and our window is filled right now with a tangle of blooms- yellow Lady Baltimore, vivid pink azaleas, the small greenish white bloom of privet. A bit of stray wisteria.  The floors in the bedroom and studio are wooden, with smallish rugs- an oriental, a woven dark red Navajo.  I am eager to tear up the bedroom carpet- and the bear room carpet- replace them with honey colored wood that is smooth and cool on the feet.  Mr. Owens created the floors- and they are deep golden, smooth, have a steady shine even after a few years of hard use (especially in the studio- the chairs rolling, doggs, all of my messes)...they are growing graceful with their age.  The rose room floor is painted, and I love it- but I should like to do it again.  The floor in the bathroom is slowly progressing- hand cut wood laid close, finished to bring out the rough grain and mix of browns and greys.  It (and the ceiling in the laundry, which is of the same stuff) reminds me of how the inside of a wooden ship looks- the roughness contrasting with the white cottage walls, small cabinets.  No mat for our tub- it has a ripply bottom to it- and with our water issues it would become another mess to always clean.  Our water comes from a well, and while free (and filtered) is still heavy in minerals- good for the body, bad for anything white.  Everything turns the rusty brown- obvious on the white fixtures, a pain on the shower curtain, lovely on white metal (call it distressed and sell it for a million dollars)- and it is also on our hair, our teeth- just consider it a natural way to extend my reddish hair color.  As for teeth, gave up on them long ago- unless the dental-insurance-fairy stops by, they remain as they are for both of us- but that is another story, a rant for another day.  (Even though I do get highly po'd that I work as hard as I do and *still* cannot afford dental insurance or trips to the dentist.  And on the news this morning was the notice that the reduced cost program that travels the county has been stopped- which means even more of us will become snaggletoothed.)....and enough of that.  Lamps.  Lamps with glass shades, stained glass that glows- flowers, turtles, plain white lilies and colors of all sorts. Glass that can be cleaned with a damp cloth instead of the care required for white silk and pleats- though graceful, those type of shades always end up dusty and tattered around me.  Somethings I am just not good at- and somethings I am.

Today, today I am going to work on things that must be done (that other ECU project), things I want to do (sorting and order, cleaning) and things that just happen as they will.  I am tired of worrying about time, and what I have left, what I must use- today I am letting go and seeing what will happen.