Handful of Dust

"I'll show you fear in a handful of dust"- T.S. Elliot.

Fear.  I am afraid sometimes, and that builds anxiety, which builds delay of action (paralysis),which adds to the fear instead of diminishing or dispelling it.  I avoid what I fear- I go to great efforts to walk all around it while that path inevitably takes me right back to the center.  Labyrinth and nexus, converging holes between realities- like pouring sand down a funnel, there is the illusion of stability until something breaks and it all trickles through.

I am not afraid of things most folks are- intruders, strangers on the street, storms, disasters, crashes, bugs or things that crawl, spirits, death, bad parts of town, war, disease- these are to be treated with respect when appropriate, but mostly are just parts of life that are to be expected to a degree- they are known and mostly inevitable.

I have one instinctual fear and that is of heights- sometimes that takes on ridiculous forms (like open stairs and escalators) but because I have balance issues and am naturally clumsy, this is probably a strong survival instinct, and I can live with that.

But it is the other fears that are cruel and crippling- the things that freeze me into being static even though I know that action is best.  Fear of failing- of creating work for others that is below standard, bad- this is why I work so hard, procrastinate so much- because I am afraid to start and fail, but eventually the fear of not doing it at all wins out (usually) and I begin. Late. Then have to double, triple, quadruple time it to get it all accomplished- but am usually rewarded because I exceed the expected.  Fear of criticism, conflict, judgement- oddly enough this translates into fear of phones, especially making phone calls and answering some of them.  I hate, despise, would rather die than call parents/students.  I have no problem with text communication, but when it comes to dialing the phone and speaking- I reach an extreme state of anxiety and panic that I usually (always) end up avoiding it or trying to work around it.  I thus put myself in bad positions- I *have* to contact parents and students by phone for my online class, but I *don't*.  And I am worried about my contact log, and being reprimanded (or fired) for not phoning- I am going to try to force myself to make some calls today.  I know that sounds so simple- everyone else uses phones all the time- but I am nauseated just thinking about it. While this is excalibrated by  difficulties in understanding, that is only part of it.  This extends to phoning  for almost any reason- calling businesses, making appointments, solving other problems (curiously enough when I contacted the local Voc Rehab office by email about possible help with my hearing, they responded with a list of phone numbers. duh.) basically anything and everything to do with phones.   (I can hear you saying "don't be silly" but sorry- this is the way it is and I am being truthful).  When we get automated calls at home, I always instantly hang up.  I don't answer the phone at home if I can help it, or at school (students answer for me- tons of just trivial phone calls daily- send so-n-so to here, make me a poster, etc.).  I *always* answer my cell- those calls are from Charles (at lunch, afterschool- to check or ask- I have no phone issues calling or talking to him) or Grendel (mostly no phone issues, hard time hearing though between my ears and his speech).  Students know to text me on the cell- I love texts.   At home I will answer if it is family or Melissa- and I do try to call Mother as much as I can.... but basically, the phone is the *symptom* not the *problem*.  (and yep, I will talk to Dr. Mike about all of this- but this morning I am feeling the panicky need to write.)  I have to figure out a way to get a handle on this- and the phone thing in particular- the other side of the phone thing is not listening.  I just tune out- I don't mean to, but my mind 'goes away' and I become automatic- I listen, answer, but it is difficult to *engage* in the conversation the same way I do when I write or when we speak one-to-one in person (which I know is not really possible most of the time).  It's all that fight-or-flee....one way or another when I encounter my fears of this issue (conflict, criticism, judgement) I tend to flee, unless it happens in person.  Then I have a meltdown, which we all knows manifests as anger accompanied usually by tears (of frustration. shame. rage. never sadness, I rarely cry when I am sad).  

I don't know what to do about this- it's good that it is written out and verbalized, but my heart is racing.  Something needs to be done.