High Dive

Curious thing happened yesterday- after writing that blog post about dreams, and going to school, I received an email about a job notification.  It is something that is actually possible- I have all of the qualifications plus, all of my teaching benefits (retirement, insurance etc.) would transfer over to it, and there would be a pay-raise involved with the potential to make (much) more than I do at the moment.  BUT (and there always is a but) if I got this job, we would have to move to Raleigh, I would not be in the classroom teaching, and I would be in an office/desk/cubical with a more structured schedule and expectations to at least *look* like a grownup.  So this has me questioning again what I want to do-  I know I could do the job and do it well, I know that I would find it challenging and interesting and that the pay raise would be nice.  I am afraid of changing and then things not working out, of trying to adapt to standards of 'professional dress' (ugh. suits. heels. make-up/hair dos. bleack.) and the responsibility of the position.  And the shift from teaching to administration- which is a good thing/ bad thing.  I am very good at curriculum design, presentations, public speaking, vision and ideas- but I am lousy at phone calls, telling people what to do and delegating tasks.  I assume there would be training involved, and I would be working with someone whom I already know (and like) but the fear of leaving what I know is still present.  Life style change would be different as well- what to do with the house?  (selling it would involve a loss, renting it renovation...) where would we live? (Mr. Owens hates cities.  Living outside the city wouldn't be bad, except for the commute to downtown- and the whole worry of renting? buying? buying with what money? etc.)  Changes, changes and challenges- and nothing that couldn't be done if I got the job, but it is still trepidatious to uproot.  If our house was sellable, it wouldn't be so much of a concern.... or if there was money in the bank.... blah blah blah.

Well, I am going to apply for it.  Nothing ventured and all that you know- and truthfully, I would be very surprised if I am offered it.  Not because I am not qualified, or would be good at it, just because I don't quite fit the bureaucratic mold..... I seriously can't visualize myself as that type of professional.  But still and all, I'm going to do it- at the very least it will give me a chance to dust off and update my cv.

In the meantime, you may of noticed (if viewing online) that I changed the background of the blog a bit.  Not much, just cleaned things up and added the new background (which is a template, not one of mine).  Just thought it was time for a change- I get attached to doing things in a certain way and it can be easier to let them be rather than revise them, taking a chance that others won't like it, or that I will be uncomfortable with the change.  Applies to all of life, I suppose- I like to think myself a risk-taker to an extent, adventurous in many things- but truth be told, I worry far to much about other peoples reactions, and tend to have negative images of myself in some contexts. Sometimes it is just easier to stay in the groove rather than to put a new record on for a test spin- but once in the groove you run the risk of getting stuck repeating the same music.  The risk of becoming stagnant, boring, resigned.  I search always for the compromise between safety and security and being dynamic- taking on new challenges.  I never question my desire to learn and grow, just my competence- I have high expectations for my own performance at anything, and I hate to come in short.  Which creates an all-or-nothing attitude (which is why I don't play games)- either I want to be perfect at something or not do it at all.  If I can't clean the whole house, I won't even dust, if I can't be on a strict diet, I won't even try to avoid food.  If I can't be sure of success, I won't take a risk.  This is not a good way to be, and not healthy- but now that I have verbalized it maybe I can begin to work on it.  What this reminds me of is being a kid and swimming lessons at Bethco- particularly jumping off the high dive.  It took me forever to work up the nerve to do it, but I did it- once.  The anxiety came not from the fear of the water- I have never feared water- but the fear of the height, of walking down that narrow board without rails.  Even thinking about it I get queasy and nervous.... but at the time I eventually told myself : do it or don't, but enough is enough.  So I jumped off the high dive and it didn't kill me.  I didn't like it though- it's not for me- but I tried it.... and that is what I just need to do.  Wish me luck in getting to the places that I need to go~ even when they are up in the air.