Poison

I get angry.  Sometimes I get very, very angry.  I tend to keep it stifled down, or channel it into something productive, or - eventually- just have a meltdown and let it all out.  But sometimes it is a long slow burn that comes to the surface then suddenly is in danger of erupting, and all I can do is to stay as quiet as possible and hope that it will pass.  But everything feels tight inside, and sick and hot...and my brain just keeps spinning- (and then electric things start going haywire.  Believe what you will, I just know it happens all the time, which is not useful at all when you are trying to get things done).

I'm not going into details here- my anger is a private thing- but I'm hoping that writing will help channel it out, and will help me to understand what happens.  Thing is, I am apparently easy to take advantage of.  I am generous by nature, empathic and hate to see anyone struggle with any problem what so ever.  This results in the urge to take action, to give what I don't have, to forgive things and brush them aside.  To be understanding when other people cannot fill their commitments, or keep their words, to just do their expected job.  Or even just let me alone so that I can do mine.  Time after time I let things slide, I understand, I promise to myself that I will not let it go again and I push all that rage deep down inside and put on my happy face.  My can-do attitude.  My 'don't worry about it- I'll figure something out' voice.  And end up hurting myself- my resources, my energy, my will- and denying myself the time/money/energy that I might just need to spend on me for once.

This is hard because I sound so selfish, and I don't want to be selfish. Or uncaring, unsympathetic, strict, harsh, or any of those things- but enough is enough, and I have to learn how to draw the line somewhere.  One day I might be able to~ today might just be that day.

In the meantime, I breathe in and out, try to distract myself with work and coffee, and am very, very glad that I am not the president with that magic red button. 

(Notice the date- half-way to the apocalypse, almost).