Dream Work

I have dreams- big dreams, small dreams, ambitious dreams.... dreams.  I have always had them, and they have changed over the years in format- sometimes in purpose- but the main dream is that I want... Well, let's talk about that.  I don't know what I want, exactly, dream wise.  Or I do but it is hard to put into words, because you have to separate the nut from the chaff.  Like most everyone else, I dream about being financially responsible, having enough money to exceed our needs.  I dream about Grendel finding his true purpose, love, luck, wealth- but those are wishes for him and he is the one responsible for his dreams.  I envision all of those positives, wrapped up in general goodness for my family and friends, my students- safety for myself.  But I do have other types of dreams.

I have never had that big urge to become an 'important' artist, recognized in galleries, vetted at museums, paraded on the cover of Art News. (don't get me wrong, that would be awesome, just not something I put energy towards.  And believe me, the art market takes *lots* of time, energy and savvy.  It doesn't just happen on it's own).  When I was a kid, I dreamed of being a horse (that didn't quite work out- notice I said *being* a horse not *having* a horse).  Then a detective, then I put lots of time/energy/money into science.  I don't consider myself a scientist- but I did become a scholar, and naturalist, and that satisfies that dream.  Turns out it is the knowledge and the naming that I love, the secrets and lore of nature- not the lab.  Though it is fun to play and I *do* love my science glass and microscope.  And knowing cool science trivia.

I dreamed at a time about the American dream, and actually believed in it to the extent that I thought that I would automatically grow up, find a fellow, get married, have a nice house in a respectable neighborhood, a couple of kids- that I would have playgroups and dinner parties, decorate for holidays with abundance, be the mother who has dinner on the table, everything spotless and in it's place, become the hub of the family.  Well, that was a lovely dream but it surely didn't happen that way-  I am gifted with a wonderful child who had a magical growing-up, and I did have my share of love-and-housework.... but the rest of it?  worked out differently.  And I had to wait until I found my love, my Mr. Owens who brings me flowers from the yarden, tells me stories, tucks me in at night, worries about where I am. (which makes me feel cherished, even though I sometimes get testy- I would miss his concern very much....I have never had anyone care so much about my well-being.  It's very nice.)

I dream about other things to though.  I dream about magic and art, success and knowledge, words and colors and making a difference.  I love to learn and have drempt of getting my doctorate forever- but why?  In part it is because of the learning, in part because of the money, in part because I want that title and the awesome regalia with the stripy sleeves and hood. In part because I want to be the next Dr. Wrye (with the Owens, of course- but the tradition is Dr. Wrye).   And because I want to know *everything*.

I dream about teaching.  Truthfully, I *hated* school during elementary through high school- not the learning, but the structure and society.  I liked college the first time around, up at Edinboro, but that was more about learning how to be social and figuring out what I wanted.  I *loved* school third time around at ASU, when I discovered art and teaching and best friend and that it is more than ok to think the way I do.  I liked school fourth time around at ECU, online- the independence and the studio.  I like school ok the fifth time around at ECU, but I dislike the paperwork and am a bit- just a bit- bored with it.  But I'm going for the sixth time around- somewhere- and it is up to me to craft that experience.   Teaching wise, I *love* teaching- not the classroom management, or the budget or that stuff, but the summoning up a lesson, the research and development, the delivery and the action.  The creation and interest- I get excited just thinking about it, talking about it- a plethora of ideas.  Teaching is what I am good at, teaching is what I want to do.

And that brings us around to last night, the presentation of artwork to the new superintendent (who is a nice blonde lady dr. administrator), and the arts council meeting that I was persuaded to attend by Rochelle.  I have been on the arts council in the past, even was the president for a year, and I couldn't stand it.  I dislike intensely administrative paperwork (especially involving legal things like non-profit status, grant management...vargh...headache just thinking about it) and working with the press.  I did like cleaning the depot and arranging displays- this was back before renovation- but it got rather boring.  What I really wanted to do is to teach classes.  Not kids classes, but classes for adults.  Not 'let's paint a flower' classes- someone else could do that better- but classes on creativity.  Mixed media, storytelling, making books, keeping sketchbooks, exploring cultures.... opening doors to all the stories of the self.  That is what I want to do.  I might have a chance to do it- the arts council is restructured (oddly everyone but Rochelle is a redhead. Go figure) and is in cooperation with a local dance studio to share space.  There is a teaching room- it is small, dark and has no water, but it is a space. I can use it for classes- if I can persuade everyone that my kind of classes are ok- that there is an interest in a more creative aspect of community art than the typical traditional art council classes.  The only concern I have is the studio space- the lady who has the dance school is very conservative and sedate, and I know that once students get going (students of any age) they are not.  They tend to get into what they are making and let out certain expressions that are not conservative and sedate.  I get nervous then not about the class, but about keeping everyone happy- reminding myself that this *isn't* school where I am the behavior-police, that these folks are grown-ups (but creation is a risky business, and that sweet little old church-lady might just decide to paint a giant vagina.  It happens, you know.)....

So my dream- one of my big, big dreams, is to have my *own* space, where I can teach others, and others can teach others, and there are not any rules about 'appropriate' expression.  Where it is allowed to include music of all types, fortune telling, diversity of content- traditional as well as inventive. A place to gather all my books, for people of all ages to come and create.... just a place for that.  In order for this dream to come true, I have to work hard at it.  I'm not sure how to approach it- I have had a lifetime so far of academic instruction, practical classroom experience, and enough administrative training to manage the hateful paperwork.... I have a zillion and a half ideas of what/how to teach..... but I need the financial stability to do this and the physical area to make it happen.  One thing I *don't* worry about is students- I know that they will come.

And now I have bespoken my dream which is always the first step to it becoming reality- now I have to pour the work into it, investigate possibilities, have enough trust and faith that even though it may not turn out exactly as imagined, someday it will become.