Cloudburst

Charles says I worry to much about the wrong things, and sometimes I do. This weekend I worried so much about he and Melissa getting along that I worked myself into a tizzy- they have known each other, but we hadn't all spent a long block of time together yet and I was nervous. Which manifested in an emotional cloudburst dinner time Sunday, which puzzled both of them and made me feel bad...

Turns out that everything was ok, Melissa was just a whole lot sicker than she was letting on (ear infection) and I mistook her silence for distance and yada yada yada. But I still upset everyone and feel bad about making them feel bad... but we talked it out and had a group hug followed up by spaghetti and episodes of TruBlood.

so everything will be ok.

This behavior pattern of mine has to stop though. I will work on it- I don't have meltdowns or cloudbursts often, but I know how they come about. I bottle things up, try to make everyone happy yet worry that everyone is not happy. (I am not that great at telling when people are happy or unhappy all the time... I'm great at one-on-one communication or large group performance, but really suck at small group social skills) I work at being extra-superior-cheerful (and I usually am, naturally) Point is, I keep my fear locked up inside and it either leaks out through snarkiness (which I work really hard at containing. Nothing is more irritable than negativity, and I hate being negative. Negativity from someone else is sometimes hard for me to handle, I understand venting, but just the doom-n-gloom emo outlook annoys me. This is the only life we've got, so I'll be damned if I don't try to enjoy it- call me Pollyanna, but Life Is Good) Ok. back to my self-psychoanalyzing. If things don't leak out, eventually they reach a point where I either cloudburst (burst into tears, very very rare, it's because I feel inadequate and fear abandonment) or have a meltdown (frustration and anger. Meltdowns usually involve invoking my sternest 'teacher voice' and are usually at school... when something is destroyed on purpose or the kids will not listen. In the animal world, it is the equivalent of Mom-Dogg snarling at a puppy to put it in line).

So folks, I apologize for the distress. I am going to work harder at being more forthright about emotions - but if I ask if "everything is ok" please tell me if it isn't. I need people to tell me if they are sick, upset, distressed, tired or just having a bad day. If I did something that pissed you off, tell me. Likewise, I need to tell people if I am sick, tired, distressed etc. (I'm good at telling people when I am happy or in love.... heart on my sleeve and all that... but I'm not-so-good at appropriate communication of distress). I want to thank Charles and Melissa for putting up with me, loving me regardless and understanding where I was coming from.

The little bottles in the picture Charles surprised me with on Saturday- he found them at the stockyards... I love them, the fish especially. They are bottles of 'bitters'- the tonics used to restore health and vitality through 'cleansing the blood'. Made of herbs and roots, bitters were bitter- and just like my cloudburst, encouraged the clouds to pass away so the light could shine forth.

I love you my friends.