Burn

I don't know why, but today is one of those days that I woke up angry, ready to burn- just an overall tension and irritability of mood, a slight headache and racing of the heart.  Trigger- if I could I would stay home today and do something moderately violent like cutting down bushes or tossing trash.  I don't know where this came from exactly, other than a slow irritation building up with the lack of responsibility of others.  Picking up the messes at school, the kids being a bit to needy at the moment (scissors?  you seriously can't find the scissors? you have had this class for almost 18weeks and you still have no clue where the scissors are. Seriously?), money of course- always money.  Root of all evil indeed, nothing- absolutely nothing- stresses me out more and serves to underlay all of the other tensions.

And it is the end of the year and there is not much left to do.  Trying to review for finals, complete final projects, clean the studio, deal with neediness and distractions and cling and kids not wanting to work...and I have stuff to get done.  If I just had a day alone in there to straighten and organize I would feel better- if I could just discipline myself to manage our money better, find a way to make more, be responsible- if I could just....  I could go down that road forever.  Truth is though, I know it is just the cycles of the year, the transition time, the stress that comes with change- but I don't know how to place all this negative energy today.  I can't afford to stay home, have things to do, art to drop off at other schools (another responsibility burn), paper work upon paperwork to fill out.  Spontaneous combustion.

I suppose it is good though that I have school today because I can channel this energy into cleaning and sorting- this is not a day for relaxing or drifting on the porch or making art- or doing paperwork that involves careful attention to detail.  I would rush through, no thought or positivism- and that would echo down through everything. Which is also why I want to avoid school in a way- negative vibes breed negative vibes. Same thing at home, or anywhere.  I need the distraction of a story- if I was free from responsibility and had some spare cash, I might immerse myself in a movie- the quite dark theater where you are surrounded by the story- it's very different than watching at home, and sometimes I need that.  And not a happy movie- I am not fond of comedies and romances, but rather something with tension and release.  Chernobyl Diaries.  Or even Dark Shadows, or the Avengers.... would really like to see the Woman in Black, which is not playing in the area.  Something darkish to get all this adrenaline out.  A really loud banging thunderstorm would work as well- in fact, that is what I am feeling like- when everything is all humid and dark right before the lightning bursts and the thunder and the hard heavy rain that washes away all the tightness in the air.