Passages

Photo by Christa, one of my photography students.

When you are first starting out in the world, when you are first a parent, then an adult, then an elder, everyone cautions to enjoy your time for it moves so very fast.  This isn't realized at first- when a child, everything takes forever, lasts forever, sometimes it seems as if things will never change. You will always be waiting for Christmas, and it will never arrive.  Always waiting for summer vacation, your first job, your first kiss, first car, first chance to 'get out of the house and live like an adult'....your first responsibilities.  All events are intensely felt, decisions a matter of life and death- and many of them are for they will set the way you walk into the future.

When you become a parent, everyone says to enjoy it while it lasts- but most of us are to busy caught up in the whirlwind of childhood wishes, adult responsibilities, balancing everyday life while trying to make dreams come true.  At the time it may feel joyous, depressing, over whelming, exciting- if the baby can't sleep, or the elementary recorder concert goes over an hour- it may seem like there is no end in sight.  But like most things, childhood sparkles then fades- and before you know it they are grown and gone.

And then it is your time, to be an adult, to begin again to look forward to things that seem so very far away (retirement), enjoy the present challenges of career and life, reinvent yourself for the next half, fall in love again with yourself, your spouse, your children as adults- your passions that were put off while you were so very busy with other things.  This is where I am now- and I know that it too will pass quickly and I will be on to the next stage- and I don't know what that will be like for me yet.  I keep expecting something different, and end up feeling surprised when I feel all the things that people tell me I will feel all along.  (Some things will never change however, I will have to look up the correct spelling of 'surprised' until the day I die.  It really *should* have a z in it.)

I am feeling this way today because another of Grendel's classmates died last night.  This one, Deante', was not a close friend, but was in class with Grendel, and they knew each other.  Deante was good at art, a talented athlete, smart- tall and handsome, caramel skin and these wonderful light amber-green hazel eyes that run in the Lewis family here abouts.  He became a father while in high school- his little boy will be starting kindergarten next year- he worked at being a good dad, went to college, kept a job, supported his son. And Deante's case was one of those you hear of every now and again- a childhood condition (mild epilepsy) long thought gone comes back suddenly, and you wake up dead.  On to the next chapter.

I suppose that because I am a teacher as well as Grendel's mother I have kept up more with his class than any other- and the evidence of time astounds me, because I don't see Grendel changing as much as the rest. With him I have 'mother-vision' where he will always be young, my kid- the same thing that Mother says to me. (no matter how old you are you are still my baby).  His classmates and friends I have watched move on- most of them are finishing college like he is, some are married, parents, in jail.  A few are gone, from accidents or suicide or strange medical maladies- and life goes on regardless.  They become adults, have children, the cycle moves on once again.  Time speeds up, moves fast- and sometimes we forget in the moment how very lucky we are.

I am very lucky. My husband is alive, well, loves me and is happily snoring away next to his cat.  My best friend is sound asleep in the guest room- we are going on an adventure today.  My son is grown and doing his best to live his own life, and so far so good.  My Mother is alive and well, our family is prosperous and of good nature, even my doggs are happy and healthy.  I love my job, I love being an artist and a scholar, I am grateful for my talent, our tumbledown cottage, our cars.  We have a good life with many blessings, and I am thankful for that- and while the blessings are balanced by the challenges and change, we have the skills and the belief that change creates growth- and everything evolves to the places it needs to go.  Encourage the moment, live in the day, shine brightly and feel everything- this is what I want for today, for right now- is to let the world know that I absolutely love being alive.