Within, Without

This is an ear.  I have two of them, firmly attached to my head, neither of which works particularly well.  For the most part they go undecorated- I went through my earring phase, then out of it- occasionally now I wear hoops or my Nazar beads, but that is it.  They are pierced- one in one ear, two in the other, but just the basics. Not that I don't like multiple piercings- some of them look quite nice- but that is something I never had the interest or discretionary funds to do.  Appearance is something that comes last in the 'spend money on this' for me- after bills and necessities, first is art supplies, then curious things, then books....clothing, hair, makeup and jewelry is last.  I like those things, but just would rather something else, for the most part.

Right now though all of our discresionary funds (which are non existant, I kid you not) are going to an assortment of doctors.  Are we getting old? wearing out? or is it just a phase?  We live relatively healthy life styles (except for the manz smoking and I eat to much) but it seems that between us we are becoming well versed in the Doctors of Wilmington.  But they do help- and today the ear doctor for me.

Because Mother always had ear problems- and Granny Wrye- my ears were always taken care of.  I kept them dry and clean, away from loud or obnoxious noises, didn't do anything weird or traumatic to them.  But they don't work well none-the-less.  My last hearing evaluation showed progressive genetic hearing loss (something that was probably unknown by Mother/ Granny, because it was accelerated by other conditions) and basically that not much could be done for it.  So I have learned to live with it, more or less- I am good at combining reading lips/gestures with speech to figure out what people say.  I can understand low tones, and high tones, but midrange (where most people speak) is lost to me- I can *hear* it just fine, but it sounds like a *garbled* mess.  The kids are amazed and dubious of this- because I can't hear their normal conversations/ answers but I can hear 'all the bad stuff/ swears'- this is because people tend to drop or raise their vocal tones when they are discussing 'forbidden' information or cursing- I pick up on those tones but not the others.  The manz has a lovely deep voice and I can hear him clearly in person, and on the cell if nothing is in the back ground.  Likewise, in the morning I can hear the birds, the traffic, noises in the distance- but not the phone in the kitchen. My cell is set to extra super loud with a ringtone I can hear- so that works for me.  I use special headphones on the computer, and that works well- but in the regular classroom I am getting more and more frustrated, which results in headaches, crankiness, fatigue and general stress. Vargh.

Anyhoo, along with all this stuff (which I have told everyone before, and not to beat a dead horse but just for context, understanding and to get my story fresh in my mind for the new doctor) I have had a massive ear infection for months- since the end of February. Been to Dr. Lori and Dr. Ricardo, three cycles of antibiotics, ear drops that are administered daily with fiendish pleasure by the manz (they are unpleasant) etc.  What this has resulted in is my left ear feeling thick (physically thick- larger than usual) and stuffed with cotton, and ringy...I am deafer than usual (which amuses the kids because I repeat to them what I think I hear- "No, I don't have any homicidal cowboys") and it aches constantly.  Not a sharp pain, just an ache.  And that makes me tired- and after a day like yesterday, where the day was normal but I was working extra hard to communicate, I come home tired and frustrated and went to bed at 5- and slept until 6 this morning, with one minor wake up to call max inside.  I didn't even take my hair down and it is a tangled mess this morning.  The poor manz was neglected all night- no talking or loving or hanging out.....I didn't even wake up for dinner.  Just sleep, sleep, sleep.  Which I don't know if it is a side effect of the fatigue, or the infection itself, or a depression that I am not aware of- my own irritability- or what, but I don't want to sleep my life away.  If I can't hear, I can't hear- give me some possible solutions and I will cope with that- but this bleahness and ache has to stop. vargh again.  Add to that an observation by the principal that I don't know sometime this week (or probably next since I will not be there today and tomorrow is Friday)- vargh for the third time in a row.

But today is a lovely day- it is warm and sunny and hopeful.  The manz is braving Wilmington to go with me to the doctor (I didn't want to ask him to go- he volunteered, and I am grateful because this way I won't miss anything, and it is *almost* like a date) and to A.C. Moore (school purchase order- sketchbooks, alcohol markers, red paint, papers-).  I will have time to grade my photography class today while he is at work, and mess around the house some, maybe even make something.  Melissa is supposed to come visit tomorrow and I hope she does- we are going to Enams Saturday for an adventure, and will spend time discussing our latest proposals, projects and the 'book-we-are-going-to-write'.

In the meantime, I need to clear my head, think, sort out the tangled mess of the end of school.  When I order things I feel better- I like organization and plans to support my chaotic creativity.  It all balances and works together well... right now I am happy overall, in love with my husband, safe in our home, I have all the things I need- this is just another bump in the road and it to will pass.  Or get paved over.  Or resurfaced- after all, adventure is best found when following detours.