Springfest

Springfest- one of the longest days in the school 'art year' but well worth it.  This is one corner of our booth- the Morning Glory side is mine, the other side has the kids stuff (Art @ Trask).  Beside us were the band boosters selling lemonade and a local cafe with cupcakes.  Across was the stage, with performances of clogging, dancing, Pender High's band, the elementary county chorus, various local performers.  Across the square was the huge art tent with the county art show (which took hours to set up, but looked great)... I had lots of my kids turn out to help, and -with the exception of one or two slackers- they worked really hard.  Crystal and Juan the hardest of all- moving displays, painting faces, selling work, setting it all up and breaking it all down without hardly a break.  The kids made enough cash to pump up the art budget, and I sold a painting (the roosters) and gave away a painting (the pig- to Donna and Jerry for their house-warming, welcome back to Burgaw, just-because-you-like-it reasons...They looked at it and both said 'Wilbur', which is what I've always thought, and I swear the pig wriggled a bit.  It found it's home- that is how art is supposed to happen- it clicks and *bam* soul connection- it's yours.)

Truth be told, I struggle with art shows. I always end up with a deep insecurity that it takes me awhile to recover from, and is compensated for by excessive overwork, job-searching, and a weird embarrassment- wondering why I didn't learn the 'right way'.  Now, it's not what you think- I love the setting up, the bustling, the hard work all day, talking to people, making art in front of people, even getting up on stage and doing introductions, awards, and all those things.  I am enthusiastic and fun- I play with the kids, network in the community and I love seeing my former students as adults with families of their own.  (and a surprising number of them have gone on to work in the arts as professionals, or found other ways to follow their dreams).  And I *know* that I am a good teacher, a good leader, a good artist- BUT....

insecurity.  My students artwork is not as good as that from the other high schools, or even some of the middle schools.  I could blame it on materials or time, class sizes or what-have-you, but truth be told (apparently it is a day for truth-telling, this day of the eclipse) it's me.  I don't know how to teach them to produce technically excellent art.  When I teach I focus on all the things I find important- content, meaning, context, how everything fits together.  My goal is to get them to *think*- creatively, intellectually- and communicate that vision....and the thinking part, more or less, works.  What I get lazy about, and thus they are lazy about, is technique....and I don't know where I missed that part of learning how to teach.  I really don't have a clue if it's because I get bored, or lazy, or distracted, or never liked learning technique myself that is the reason- perhaps all of those.  And it carries over into my own art, because I am much more interested in the meaning of what I make- all of my technical skills simply come from constantly making  things, drawing, painting...just doing.  So when my students art is next to the other high schools, it doesn't look as good.  Plain and simple.  And that makes me insecure, and embarrassed, and feeling like I don't know what I am doing and the kids would be much better off with another teacher. And I wonder if I need to go down to the middle or elementary level, but I know I have no patience for middle-school ages and it's been so long since I've been with the little ones.... and I love the high school kids even though they make me nuts.  It's my age group.  Then I think of moving on to administration (yuck. I hate telling people what to do) or curriculum (not bad, just hard to find a job) or something else...and I just want to cry.

It's odd because I do love my kids and my job, I love teaching and I know that I am good at it.  I just hate the competition (even though it isn't *technically* a competition with ribbons etc, the works next to each other creates a competition...and I dislike that. That's also why I hate playing games, sports, selling things- if I'm not going to win, I'm not going to do it, and I have this core belief that I'm not going to win, not going to be picked for the team (and will drop the ball if I am, or be hit by it), not worth a decent price.  I don't have those doubts with my ability to think, or plan, or organize- just compete.  My gut reaction to this is to simply avoid it.  I don't play games, or sports.  I don't enter art shows and dislike having student shows.  I don't sell my work, promote it to galleries, place a high price- I usually avoid pricing it all together because I am simply astonished that anyone would want it at all.  Yet I have sold work, I have been in art shows .... but the whole thing just throws me off step- and I end up being insecure about a host of things.  I look old, my hair sucks (the style- I'm all forehead, and it needs dyed... but we cannot afford things like haircuts and professional dye...) I need to loose weight (I look sloppy-in-body and I don't like that.  When I look big and curvy that is awesome, but big-n-sloppy is not...and it's not the clothing, it's the sag- bleah).  I end up a bit of a wreck all over, and that is definitely why I don't like art shows.  (and so I know what I will be talking about to Dr. Mike this week~ )

Don't worry- this is just a 'low spot' (as Mother used to say).  I'll get my balance back, step up, do my job continue to work hard.  For awhile I will worry about it and try to reinvent some things- it might even work- but probably revert back to my normal style of teaching... it can't be that bad because the kids *do* learn things, we have a good relationship, and some of them go on to use it in their lives-  and I also need to remember the perspective that I'm just a high school art teacher and this shouldn't be that big of a deal.  Get over it, and if I want to do something about the way I look, I just need to do it.  Go back on the diet, move more, figure out a way to come to terms with my hair and my face and my perception of myself.  (and I know there is a correlation between the art-show self-esteem issue and the punishment of dieting and the impulse to physically recreate myself....that if I change the way I look, other things will change.  I should of learned this lesson by now, but instead I repeat the pattern over and over).

So today, I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I have to get over this spot.  I will do some work, clean a bit- I'm supposed to take George to Grendel's in Wilmington, but I have this inertia...I don't really want to go anywhere right now...I need a time out.