Clarity, Illusion

Opera glasses. Beautiful machines that help you see to the illusion- this pair keeps cropping up at the auction and I am always outbid. Someday, however, someday it will be the right day and the right time and we will be together- or not.

So, as you can see (no pun intended) I am setting some boundaries. As much as he loves me, as swooned as I am, I do have my opera glasses on. I need boundaries, and time, and the relationship needs to grow and unfold at a natural pace- a seedling in the sun doesn't last long. Either I'm worth waiting for, or I'm not. I think he is worth waiting for- investing time in- slowing down and enjoying the scenery. I'm forever about the journey, not the destination.

I suppose this comes from my core of independence- yes, I want to learn how to share that, but it is going to take some time. And truth be told, I am a free beast~ a horse not ready for the barn. Pasture, maybe- but not the barn. Not yet. And that would be that.

Because I am a magical beast I believe in omens, good and bad. The good omens of the house and home, the finding of treasures. The bad omens of the bunnies (the last one went back to the nest, died alone- I buried him yesterday), the snizzling popping of electricity all night last night at the auction (I was tense, preparing for the boundary talk).... electricity goes nuts around me when I am upset- call it coincidence or magic or bizarre brain waves, but when I am anxious it happens. I once blacked out an entire Lowes hardware (Brent can testify to that- in the middle of moving, deciding on paint colors, I had the biggest meltdown...the whole superstore went black). I flicker the lights at school when I am really frustrated (have been working on not doing that- the janitor told me that I blow more lights than anyone else), cause things to malfunction and last night they could not get the microphones right. Humming and beeping and static and buzz- I felt guilty. Lights flickered. Electric signs, lamps wouldn't work when they had worked earlier. So be that as it may, I take it as a sign of my unconscious communicating stress.

Right now I have lots going on in my life. A new relationship that is wonderful, and that I want to enjoy. The whirlwind end of the semester, and the end of the school year. Start of summer school and working at the DPI. Travel plans in every direction. Grendel figuring out what to do next, taming the yarden, ear doctor on Tuesday. This and that and the other thing all jumping at the gate- I need time and space and quite and a long drive by myself to sort things out. Why does everything have to be so complicated? Because life is complicated. Because- like an opera- it is art and music and story and song, illusion and reality and without clear vision it is hard to tell which is which.