Time

Time. Once upon a time, I had a dog named time, mother time. In my home there are 5 clocks, not counting the computer and the hour glass and all the broken pocket watches...but 5 clocks that supposedly work. And a calender. Yet there isn't one that has the same time, let alone the right time- they are all on their own interpretation of the world.

Time is infinite, vast, endless but I never have enough of it- life goes by quickly, then an hour can be all eternity. I'm not quite sure how it works, or how we can just decide that certain times of the year, or certain places we can time travel without problems. Shift in time from state to state, spring forward and fall back, another birthday, another anniversary, another bit of forever or gone in a flash.

The hour glass came from (where else?) the last auction- it is brass and sand and glass and has the endless twisting poles. I am caught up in time right now, feel endlessly twisted. How soon is too soon? What is there to profit by waiting? Carpe' Diem. Seize the moment, seize today- how long is forever? Doesn't it go in both directions?

I am afraid of change. For all my value on freedom and independence, for all my living life for what it is, for all the illusions that you think I am, the truth is that I am a very stubborn, set person. Being chaotic, living moment to moment is my set- time is what I make it, the here there and everywhere whenever I like. I am terrified of fences, routines, things, promises, obligations. It's like moving and school and relationships and even just saying, yes, I'll be there Tuesday.

This is new to me. Thinking about sharing my life with another person is very, very new to me. I am scared to death because it means that I will have to change. I'm afraid that I can't, I'm afraid that people won't love me because I won't be the same me as I was before, that I might (that I will) have to learn how to compromise. I'm afraid that if I don't do it now- when I want to, when I really, really want to- that I will never be brave enough to try again.

I want to be free, but I want to be loved. I want to be independent, but I want to share that. I am tired of being alone all the time but I don't know how not to be alone, but I do know that I am not just thinking about this so I won't be alone- it takes a special person to break that shell. I haven't been with a man on a daily basis for thirteen years... it's new to me. I don't know how to do it, and I can't learn it until I do it. Am I afraid that it might not work out? Of course I am. That is natural and normal and I'm sure that he is to. But he says 'positive attitudes!' it will work if we make it work. Lots of love and time and patience and wanting to make it work, working to make it work. Love isn't easy, there are no guarantees, there is only the possibilities for tomorrow, the promise of today.